So my friend Kristi sent me an URL. “God hates it when men waste sperm, no matter what the reason.” Finally, a site addressing the self-abuse epidemic. But after poking around a bit, I realized that the site had so much more to offer. As far as I can tell, none of these sites are spoofs. Oh man. Crackpot Jackpot:
Biblical action figures. The force is a tool of satan. A Website dedicated to rooting out the evil in the Star Wars series. (Note the fantastic URL.) Virigaurd, a combination athletic support and chastity belt. I highly recommend the Installation and Testimonial links. “When young boys from my congregation come to me with sexual inquiries, I counsel them to let God take care of them. If that doesn’t work, I ask them to try the Purity Athletic Viriguard for a few months. Sometimes they resist at first, but once they get used to it, they become more manageable, attend church more often, and show the signs of improvement you’d expect from those who do not pollute themselves through self-stimulation. Ban breastfeeding! “Women who breast-feed enjoy an erotic experience that offensively imposes oral gratification on innocent infants. This reprehensible act teaches children illicit sex that subsequently manifests promiscuity, homosexuality and addiction to cybersex.”
Walking home from work, I had an absurdity attack as I passed 24-Hour Fitness. The huge windows and frenetic step-class activity combined for the effect of a giant jar full of panicked bugs. The guys running on the treadmill were the bugs that keep climbing up to the top of the jar, falling, then climbing back up again. Glah.