“Chagrin and Men I Have Loved,” I wrote a new piece for the Morning News.
Category: categories
Weird Dream
Jim Carrey was wearing a tweed suit and covering himself in chocolate-chip-cookie dough. He danced around on court at a basketball game, and then he scraped the cookie dough from his body, baked the cookies, and sold them for five bucks a pop. Proceeds went to the homeless.
SPEAKING OF FUNDRAISERS
If you live in San Francisco, you should go to the 826 Valencia fundraiser tonight. It’s from 6:30 p.m. to 10 p.m., $10 at the door, and the proceeds go to Dave Egger’s writing workshops for kids. Mr. Eggers himself will be there, and they’ll also be celebrating the release of McSweeney’s Issue #8. All the cool kids are going. Also, there will be chips.
Crocery Shopping
Me: Oh my God. They have individual little snack-size packs of ranch dressing now. Americans are disgusting. Is it too exhausting to pour it out of the bottle so you can dip stuff in it?
Guy 1: No, no. The foil tops make it easier to stick a straw in.
Me: Ha! Why don’t we just mainline it?
Guy 2: (Announcer voice) Are you tired of all those pesky ranch delivery vehicles?
Me: The baby carrots have too much texture. Celery detracts from the pure ranch experience.
Guy 1: Awesome.
LUNCH NEAR THE CONVENTION CENTER
Me: What do their badges say?
Guy 1: Digestive Disease Week.
Me: What the hell? It’s a conference?
Guy 2: Apparently.
Guy 1: Gotta go guys, I’m off to the Unusual Tongue Growths Panel.
Girl 1: Can we have lunch later? I don’t want to miss the Esophageal Extension Roundtable.
Guy 1: I can’t wait for the Ulcerous Cavities Birds of a Feather!
Me: I think they heard you.
Elsewhere
The Case for Cocktails is my second piece for The Morning News. Cheers.
Superman or Chewbacca?
This is almost as addictive as Hot or Not. What’s Better
asks you to rate incongruous things. What’s better, a nuclear explosion or a bull elephant seal?
(via rabbit blog)
Discretion
A teenage boy ascends from the subway wearing a T-shirt that screams “I GOT CRABS AT TOMMY’S CRAB SHACK.”
For Sentimantal Reasons
The guy on the treadmill in front of me was muscle-bound, had a shaved head, and was wearing one of those tank tops with armholes cut down to his waist. He was reading “The Big Book of Torch Songs.”
What it Takes
From the March New Yorker article, “The Riddler” about a crossword puzzle competition. I love these people:
As referees brought in completed puzzles, Rosen and the other twenty or so officials scored the answers, pausing only to ridicule the occasional hapless entry.
“Who writes ‘skua’ with a ‘q’?”
“Eriq La Salle!”
“Wasn�t he just on the over of GQ?”
“You mean GK?”
Would That I Had Been a Badass
When I was fifteen, I was scouting the most advantageous lunch spot on the quad. I also spent a lot of time on my hair. I’ve got eleven years on Katie, and she’s still cooler than me. She says:
april 30 2002
Final proof that there’s no such thing as god, and also wishes don’t come true:
Today in the hallway Steven Fuckhead said “HI KATIE” to me and all his friends who were standing around laughed, so obviously he wasn’t hit by a bus and ground into little pieces like I asked.
april 25 2002
A funny joke:
Ed: I say old chap, knocke knocke!
Fred: Wha? Hullo, who might that be?
Ed: WHy I dare say it’s “orange” my good man!
Fred: Well I never. “Orange?” you say? “Orange” whom?
Ed: “Orange” you glad I’m only going to stab you in ONE of your eyes? Ah ha!
Fred: Dear me!
ps. This joke is funny because they have british accents
(via Anil)
Small Truth
Caterina says:
“I’ve always been amazed that in the first moments of getting to know someone you see very clearly who they are, and then spend the rest of your relationship learning all over again what you knew in those first moments.”
Mighty Girl 