Category: My Life

I don’t know what my thumb did in a past life, but the person in charge of thumb karma has gotten around to me. Apparently, I have Atilla-the-Hun thumb. Twice in the last week, I’ve burned it badly. I mean big, oozy blisters that I have to concentrate on not prodding. Ow. Accursed thumb of Cain.

11:18 a.m.

San Francisco moment: a cable car passes filled with 60 drunken, dangling voters who are chanting VOTE-AL-GORE! VOTE-AL-GORE! One dude at the back has a Nader sign.

9 a.m.

Say you’re at a costume party trying to hit on a girl dressed as a Girl Scout. You think, “I know, I’ll ask about her cookies! Girl Scouts sell cookies, don’t they? I shall win her with my witty repartee, my sly double entendre.” Unfortunately, your cookie joke is not the first she’s heard. She nods vaguely and lumps you with the forty other Cookie Guys she’s met this evening. Some of the better lines I heard:

  • Pure in word thought, and deed?
  • (From the guy dressed as an environmentalist.) It’s not easy being green.
  • I�ll bet you’re prepared for anything.
  • I don’t have much to offer, but I’m totally willing to be your good deed for tonight.

10:38 a.m.

Things I heard in the Castro last night:

  • Guy in a Renaissance-Faire-type outfit: “That’s exactly the kind of Spock costume I want. Blue, the badge… original series.”
  • Girl in Viking Hat with Large Group and Large Beer: “I’ll be 18 in TWO HOURS! WooooooooHooooooooo!” Much high-fiving.
  • Naked Playing Card Girl: “Have you seen the rest of my deck?”
  • Twelve 20 year olds who had climbed atop the bus stop shelter: “ROCK AND ROLL! ROCK AND ROLL WILL NEVER DIE!!”
  • Luke to Princess Lea: “Where’d I put my light saber? Do you have it? Shit… I think someone ripped off my light saber.”

11:22 a.m.

On the bus this morning, a little boy who was sitting with his sister started singing, “Where’s my funny bone? Where’s my funny bone?”
Actually, it sounded more like, “Wheres-meh-fonnybone? Wheres-meh-fonnybone?” But his sister must have understood, because after the obligatory moment of pretending to ignore him, she brought her fist down on his knee. Hard. He screamed, “AAGGgggrraaaaahumph!”

There was a four second pause, then he started singing, “Wheres-meh-OTHER-fonnybone?”

Kids are rad.

10:22 a.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

To: Me

From: A friend at work.

Scenario: He asked me to introduce someone at our awards ceremony.

Excerpt:

Hi Bryan,

Normally, I’d do anything for you, but Nov. 1 is our deadline day. That means I’ll probably be at work until the wee hours of the morning and won’t be capable of waking up on Thursday. Additionally, speaking in front of large groups of people makes me want to huck.

-Maggie

M,

ok

congrats on your promotion!

And you’re dead to me.

bryan

3:35 p.m.

My Girl Scout troop leader once said that raising boys was easier than raising girls because you could let them run and climb trees without worrying that they’d hurt themselves.

2:18 p.m.

I turn 25 tomorrow. I send out thank you notes in a timely fashion, water my plants frequently enough to keep them alive, and have a 401K. At what point does one stop feeling self-conscious when walking by a high school football team?

9:50 a.m.

I was in a cab last night when we passed a fresh accident. A very upset driver was kneeling over a pedestrian who was writhing on the pavement, bleeding from his head. My cab driver stopped to see what was going on.

Me: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Long, stunned pause.

Me: Jesus, can we do something? What can we do?

Cab driver: Yeah… That sucks.

10 a.m.

Yesterday I saw a piece of graffiti that read, “Bongo?”
I said, “Yes, please” and waited for drumming hippies to stampede out of Starbucks.
Nothing happened.

9:54 a.m.