Category: My Life


LADIES NIGHT EXCERPTS

Lady 1: Tell them about what you got John for Christmas. I think this is funny.

Lady 2: What?

Lady 1: Jane and I went Christmas shopping and she bought lacy undies for herself as John’s Christmas present.

Lady 3: Sweet.

Lady 1: I think it’s cute.

Lady 3: What do they look like?

Lady 2: (Describes skimpies.) My starvation diet starts tomorrow.

All: Hahaha.

Lady 4: Hence, the fat-free fudgecicles.

Lady 5: The fudgicles are fat free?

Lady 2: Yep.

Lady 5: Oh man! How could you do that to us?

Lady 2: They’re really good.

Lady 5: So close…yet so far. Well, I guess we could always dip them in frosting.

Lady 6: I think I’ve got some Magic Shell somewhere.

(Highlight of a short sanitary products discussion:)

Lady 1: Someone once said that removing a tampon is like pulling a dead, wet mouse out of a wine bottle by its tail.

All: Whoa!

Lady 1: Dead on though.

Lady 2: Yeah. Pretty much.

1:28 p.m.


AUTUMN ON THE WEST COAST

I walk past a florist every morning. About a month ago, I realized it was fall because all the buckets were filled with orange chrysanthemums. San Francisco foliage.

4:02 p.m.


SPEAKING OF “MORK AND MINDY”

Robin Williams was at the opening performance of “Proof” last night. He was wearing a suit with wide horizontal stripes in red, black, yellow, and green. We saw him at the after-party too, where one of my friends overheard him doing an impression of Osama Bin Laden’s answering machine: “Hi, this is Osama, I’m not coming to the phone right now. Leave a message. Beep!” Everything is funnier when you’re dressed like a carnival barker.

On the way home, we passed an adult bookstore with a marquee that read, “The female orgasm, fact or fiction?” Am I the only one who didn’t know this was still up for debate?

2:43 p.m.


ADVENTURES IN COPYEDITING

Scenario: Deadline day. Sitting on couch, proofreading with co-worker for the last eight hours.

Me: Ogg Vorbis sounds like something off of “Mork and Mindy.”

Her: Yeah, isn’t that weird? Did you see the company name?

Me: No… (Scans article.) Xiphophorous?

Her: That’s it.

Me: “Gentlemen, I present the honorable Ogg Vorbis from the planet Xiphophorous!”

Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!

Me: We’re really rummy.

Her: Yeah.

(a few minutes later)

Me: (’50s radio announcer voice) Ogg Vorbis! AAAAAHHHHG VVOOOORRBIS!

Both: HAR! HAR! HAR!

(pause)

Me: Our lives are tiny and sad.

1:13 p.m.


LADIES NIGHT

Scenario: Discussing the week’s events.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: This week has been kind of tough. Jim has this really good girlfriend who he went to school with who’s visiting. She’s spent all this time working as a doctor in Ecuador…

Lady 2: …Threatening.

Lady 1: And all the guys are friends with her, and when they talk about her, it’s always in these awed tones like, “Oh, Abri this, Abri’s so cool.”

Lady 3: (Pulls in air through teeth)

Lady 1: And she is cool. I mean, she’s done all this amazing stuff.

Lady 3: Bitch.

Lady 2: Ha!

Lady 1: No, she’s really nice. Like, I’m thinking, OK. I’m going to try really hard to like her, because I know that my natural inclination is going to be to not like her, and that’s not fair. But she turned out to be really cool.

Lady 2: Which is even more threatening.

Lady 1: No, I like her. I mean it’s been a lot better than I expected.

Lady 3: You’re a better woman than I.

Scenario: One of the ladies is in a band and wants to run a song by us.

Excerpt:

Lady 1: (Singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna see you again./ I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna kiss you again.

All: Woo hoo.

Lady 1: (singing) I kinda wanna, I kinda wanna touch you again./ I wanna let you in!

All: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!

Lady 2: Tsk! She’s talking about emotional availability, you guys. Geez.

Lady 1: (singing) I wanna taste your SKIIIN!

5:08 p.m.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERNIE

OVERHEARD

Characters: Two girls standing above the dance floor

Girl 1: I’ll go over.

Girl 2: WAIT! We have to make sure he sees you first. Does he see you?

Girl 1: STOP LOOKING!

Characters: Friends on the balcony

Her: How’s the trolling?

Him: Eh. It doesn’t matter anyway. All these people are from Oakland, I’m never going to see them again.

Her: What? San Francisco is, like, 20 minutes outside Oakland.

Him: Yeah…

1:29 p.m.


THEY CALL YOU WHAT?

Do you live in the Bay Area? Go see Harmon Leon in “They Call Me Shitshoes!” It is a laff riot! Well, about three quarters of it is a laff riot, the rest is better if you’ve had a beer. Anyway, it’s a one-man show by this writer (his work has appeared in Salon, Details, and Maxim) who travels around and goes to weird conventions. My favorite bit is about a Christian ventriloquist convention in San Diego, which he visits with his dummy “Mr. Cocksucker.” It amused me greatly, you will like it:

Friday, November 30th

10 p.m.

$7

Spanganga Performance Gallery

3376 19th St @ Mission

San Francisco

415-821-1102

5:07 p.m.


NOE VALLEY MOMENT

Sign in a shop window on my walk home: “Interested in cheese classes? Inquire within!!!” And the sad truth? I’m totally interested in cheese classes.

5:12 p.m.


FUN WITH CRAIGSLIST

Creepy missed connections ad on Craigslist:

” Do you live above the AMC theaters on Van Ness? (Across the street) Can you see me looking at you? Just WAVE…”

Enchanting, no? Especially that last bit, with the insistent “WAVE” in all upper caps. Who writes something like that expecting to get a date? “What’s that you say, delightful thing? You’ve been watching me? Well, how quaint. I don’t even know you, and you’ve already seen me naked. Rather amusing when you think about it. It really is so difficult to meet new people in the City, what with all the crazies about. Do come over for coffee.”

In other news, a smashingly titled event from the entertainment section:

11/17-18: womens art faire this weekend 17th & 18th: ‘OVARIA’ (emeryville)

11:45 a.m.


HOT DIGGITY






This year’s Halloween was super rockadelic. I dressed up as a Hotdog on a Stick girl, and Bryan (my ever-trusty sidekick) was an enormous hotdog on a stick. It was fun, if a little overwhelming because of all the Castro men exclaiming over Bryan. “What are you? What are yooou? OOOOHHH. NOOO. You aren’t! You naughty, naughty thing. Largest on record! Soo naughty!” Rusa has more photos. Other highlights:

The drunk guy who was doing a very convincing girl imitation in his living room window above the crowd. He had on some bikini thing and a mesh beaded top, and he was grinding to wild cheers from the crowd below (most of whom were unaware that he wasn’t a she). He ultimately grabbed onto his curtain rod to do a sort of improvised stripper routine. Of course the aluminum rod came crashing down, taking Paula Abdul right along with it.

The girl who passed me saying, “I wanted a guy to say that to me, not a girl.”

A brief exchange with Evan:

Me: Hey! Someone just pinched my ass!

Evan: Me too.


HAPPY HALLOWEEN

This morning on my way in to work I passed a guy riding his bike. His grass skirt was blowing dangerously close to his chain and he was using one hand to support the four-foot-tall wooden tribal mask he was wearing. Yesterday, I passed a guy in jeans, an REI jacket, and a pair of fairy wings. I heart Halloween.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who sent birthday wishes, cards, and gifts over the last week. All of them made me smile.

10:15 a.m.