Category: My Life

Hair of the Dog

The cab driver is hacking. The kind of hacking that comes from deep in the chest, but doesn’t seem to be doing any good. Between hacks, he wheezes, trying to get air some air in behind his coughs. He pauses for a moment, and says Mind if I smoke?

All the Wrong Places

I found a flyer on the street a few days ago for an escort service. It’s called “Teeky’s Got the Hook-Up.” According to the flyer, “Teeky” offers student and senior discounts. Sweet.

Happy Valentine’s Day, all. I’ll be in Utah for the next few days, so updates may be erratic/non-existent.

11:55 a.m.

Overheard

Scenario: Two girls working at a bead store on the Haight.

Girl 1: The weirdest thing happed to me a few days ago. There’s this bum, right?

Girl 2: Yeah.

Girl 1: And we start talking, and he says, Do you mind if I ask you something? and I’m all, Sure. So he’s like, Are you on your period?

Girl 2: GROSS!

Girl 1: I know! I’m like, None of your business, pervo.

Girl 2: Seriously.

Girl 1: Yeah But the weird thing was, I was.

Girl 2: On your period?

Girl 1: Yeah.

Girl 2 :Sick!

Girl 1:Isn’t that sick?

Girl 2: Well, how did he know?

Girl 1: I don’t know.

Girl 2: Weird. I wonder how he knew.

Girl 1: Yeah.

2:54 p.m.


MY COSMOPOLITAN LIFESTYLE

The girl at the video store knows what movies I want to see.

Her: Hey! How are you?

Me: Good! You?

Her: Good! Are you renting two?

Me: Yeah.

Her: Want to see Ghost World? We just got it in.

Me: Yeah!

Her: Should I put it on your book?

Me: Please. Thanks so much, I’ve really been wanting to see this.

Her: Well, that’s what happens when we get to know you.

No, sweet thing. That’s what happens when I need to leave the house more.

4:13 p.m.


LADIES NIGHT EXCERPT

Lady 1: I totally saw scrotum in yoga class.

All: UGH!

Lady 2: What do you mean, you saw it?

Lady 1: Like, it was right there, like hanging out.

Lady 3: Couldn’t you just look away?

Lady 1: Well we were doing this swan-dive thingy where you bend over (bends gracefully at waist with arms extended behind her), so your face is right at someone’s butt. And his scroat was, like, right there. Huge ball sack.

Lady 2: Hanging out of his shorts or something?

Lady 1: Yeah.

Lady 4: Yuck.

Lady 1: Yeah. I was traumatized.

3:29 p.m.


THESE THINGS HAPPEN

Friday Night

  • Two boys are making noise on 2nd Street. One is yipping, one is mee-meeping like the Road Runner. The dog-boy sees me as they pass and lunges, BARK Right in my face.
  • On Clement Street the cable car driver plays the bell like a steel drum. ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-da-ding
  • At Kell’s I realize I’ve forgotten my ID. The doorman will not believe that I am 26. He asks where I live. He asks about my favorite neighborhood bar. He asks what the bartender looks like.
  • I’ve arrived in the middle of a conversation: That would be a great band name. What? Dermatological Opposites.

Sunday Night

  • I meet someone who uses the same online dating service as my sister. I ask if he has read my sister’s ad. He has. This stranger and my sister share an exact demographic profile. For this reason, I like him more.
  • We put in a Stevie Wonder CD in the boombox resting on the kitchen table. It is too loud, so we move the radio to the floor. We decide Stevie on the Floor would be a good band name.

Last Night

  • My cab gets in an accident, the other guy’s fault. The two drivers make an agreement to pull to the side of the road to further inspect the damage. As we are pulling out, the other driver guns it across three lanes of traffic and takes off the wrong way down a one-way street. God has His finger on that guy now.

This morning

  • I drop my magazine in the bathtub.
  • There is a leaf dangling from the orange tree on 25th Street. It is twisting from a single strand of spider web.

11:06 a.m.


FIGHTIN WORDS

Many nations are realizing (that) when we say you’re either with us or against us we mean it, Bush said. There’s no middle ground when it comes to freedom and terror.

Switzerland, watch your back.

10:26 a.m.


SELF PROMOTION AND THE MATING DANCE

I passed a girl with a license plate that read “JBRATTY.” It was in a Princess plate frame, and she also had one of those sparkly pink stickers on the bumper that said, 100% Fine. Oddly, there are guys who look at these glittery warning flags and think, Ha-HA! Brataay. I like em with a little spunk. I know because I’ve met them. They’re the same guys who approach me at a bar, call me sassy when I say something less stupid than they expect, then shift uncomfortably from foot to foot when I blink at them.

6:13 p.m.


TOLD YOU SO

Lunching at a favorite Chinese food restaurant with a friend:

Me: This water tastes like sperm.

Her: Whaat?

Me: Yep.

Her: Are you serious?

Me: It’s not strong. I think it’s the detergent or something. Taste it.

Her: No. Way. Don’t drink that.

Me: There’s no detritus floating around or anything.

Her: Sick.

A few months later we travel to Bali together. We decide to lunch at a cafe down the street from our hotel.

Me: (Sips water, reflects.)

Her: (Sips water.)

Me: This is what I was talking about.

Her: What?

Me: Do you taste it?

Her: The sperm, you mean?

Me: Yep.

Her: Yep.

Me: It’s got to be some weird cheap-o brand of dish detergent.

Her: Let’s hope so.

2:21 p.m.


SERENDIPITY

I bought a used version of The Best American Travel Writing 2000. While I was reading it this morning, someone’s old airplane-ticket stub fell out.

10:25 a.m.


LADIES NIGHT EXCERPT

Lady 1: To be honest, it wasn�t that I didn�t find him attractive. I just didn’t think he was the type of guy who’d be attracted to me.

Lady 2: Why?

Lady 1: Well, I didn’t think he was into black girls.

Lady 3: Ah.

Lady 1: No I mean… How can I put this?

Lady 4: You don’t have to be too PC.

Lady 1: No, it’s just that Certain types of white guys are attracted to certain types of black girls. Like, there’s the guy who’s attracted to the petite, Halle Barry type of black girl

Lady 2: The white black girl.

Lady 1: Exactly. And then there’s the guys who’s attracted to the darker black girls because it’s more of a I don’t know. And then there’s the guys who just aren’t attracted to black girls. I sort of assumed he was one of those.

Lady 2: Why?

Lady 1: He just didn’t look like the type.

Lady 2: What, was he a rocker or something?

Lady 1: Actually, he looks a lot like Billy Idol.

All: OOOOOOOooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh!

Lady 5: Like all snarly?

Lady 6: He has a beautiful set of teeth. Perfect teeth.

Lady 1: I should have brought pictures.

Lady 6: You should’ve.

Lady 5: Is he all tatted up?

Lady 1: He has some tattoos

All: OOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!

Lady 1: We hung out together, and I stayed over, and we spent Sunday morning watching football.

Lady 2: That’s commitment.

Lady 1: Yeah, you could tell I really liked him because I was doing the girly thing, like, Now, first in ten What does that mean again?

Lady 2: Awesome.

4:13 p.m.


1.24.02 DEADLINE PRESSURE

I used to work with Kate, and I miss her. Kate loved vendor gifts. She had a favorite pen that lit up when you clicked it, a straw cowboy hat sent with some promo materials, and a red bandana with a big startup logo in the middle. One day as I passed her cube, I glanced in. She was wearing the cowboy hat and had tied the bandana around her face. Her eyes widened when she saw me. What are you doing? I asked. She bugged her eyes, held the flashing pen above her head, and whispered:

I’m a secret space cowboy.

3:14 p.m.