Author: maggeh

Leaving a Little Something

I was fast-forwarding through commercials the other day (thanks TiVo!) when I caught a nanosecond of a woman pole dancing. What the…? I stopped; rewound. Turns out it was a cheesy commercial for Centerfolds, a local strip joint. There were dozens of taut women pouting, gyrating, and otherwise seducing the home video camera. Their slogan, “Absolutely nothing is left to the imagination,” made me wonder when that became a selling point.

I’d Rather Be

We pause at a stoplight behind a car that has an enormous fish decal covering most of the back window.

Me: That guy loves fishin’.

B: He likes, killin’ ’em, cookin’ ’em, and stickin’ them on the back of his SUV.

Me: Where did he get that? Who thought, “You know what would be a big seller? A 3-foot-wide Rainbow Trout decal.”

B: Are you kidding? You’ve spent too much time in California. People have all kinds of shit like that on their cars.

Me: Is that true? Many people have large animal decals in their back windows?

B: Sure.

Me: Oh, America.

B: That’s why other countries are so jealous of us.

Me: The 3-foot fish decals?

B: The fish paraphernalia of all kinds. Fish decals, wooden fish models, fish oil paintings, great big beach towels with fish printed on them.

Me: Take that, world!

Cultural Tuesday

The San Francisco Museum of Modern Art has free admission on the first Tuesday of every month. This is your chance to see a lot of little kids in an overtly adult environment and overhear great stuff like, “MOM? That’s enough of my museum.” Right now, they’re having a photography exhibit by Diane Arbus. These are a few of my favorite photos:

Untitled (6): The best thing about this picture is the way the little girl on the right is cracking up.

Girl in a Shiny Dress: This woman has a lovely collarbone.

Masked Woman in a Wheelchair: This reminds me of my friend, Alli.

Boy with a Straw Hat Waiting to March in a Pro-War Parade: If you look closely at the smaller button on his lapel, it reads, “Bomb Hanoi.”

Pie

Last year, I pulled a list out of San Francisco Magazine, “125 Very Best Things to Eat in the Bay Area.” I recently came across it again and decided it was about time we started working our way through. In that spirit, we grabbed a couple of friends and headed an hour and a half south to Pescadero for Olallieberry pie at Duarte’s Tavern. Pie, we learned, is a superior theme for Saturday night. We also learned that if you’re looking for some post-meal protein to accentuate your pie and ice cream dinner, don’t go with the oysters.

When Real Golf is Too Taxing

At the back of the bar there’s a group of five men in their thirties, most of them are wearing plaid. They are crowded around a video-game console pounding at the air and yelling things like, “BITE! Bitebitebitebitebite.” “AIRMAIL, Budddiiiie! ” I walk past them on my way to the bathroom and glance at the screen. Video Golf is just about the whitest thing the world’s got going.

Thankful

This man is standing barefoot in the gutter of a busy street wearing his white terrycloth bathrobe. He has not come out to retrieve the paper, or turn off the sprinklers, or check his mail. He’s come out to enjoy this fine Thanksgiving Day and watch the cars go by. He spits, takes a drag of his cigarette, and sighs contentedly.

Advice

When you’re discussing the wedding over Thanksgiving turkey with your grandparents, skip the part about the two straight chicks who made out on the dance floor.

Handy

If you live near an ocean, this is especially useful. It’s the Monterey Bay Aquarium’s wallet-sized Seafood Watch Card. It rates seafood consumption by how safe it is for the environment and the particular species.