Aloha! My Nose Hurts

1st May 2012

-via MaggieMason on Instagram

So last year the Jamaican Tourism Board sent me an email asking if I wanted to come to Jamaica, which I naturally assumed was a Nigerian prince scheme. Remember?

A few weeks ago, the same thing happened with Hawaii. The Polynesian Cultural Center was like, “Want to come to Hawaii for free?” and I was like, “Do I have to carry a suitcase, the contents of which is unknown to me?” and they were like “No.” So I was like, “Are you a human trafficker who traffics in the sale of humans?” and they were like, “No.” So I was like, “Do I have to pay you in sexual favors?” and they were like, “No, thanks.” So I was all, “Aloha!”

Apparently, Mario Lopez and Danica McKellar work at the Polynesian Cultural Center now. I asked Danica to do some quadratic equations for us after she finished dancing, as a kind of intellectual finale, but she ignored me. Rude.

Now you may be asking yourself, “Will Maggie just get on a plane any time a random stranger requests her presence in a tropical location?” And the answer is yes. Yes I will. Call me.

Is this a racial thing? -via MaggieMason on Instagram

This particular trip was a press junket, where they fly you out in hopes that you’ll talk about the trip (which, durr), and then you allow them to control your life for the duration. It’s sort of like vacationing with your manic uncle who cannot tolerate the idea of missing a single activity or historical marker. So you stumble around after him as he books a kayaking trip on top of a surf lesson after you learn to Hula.

Except! He’s paying for the whole thing, so all you have to do is show up and say, “I have always wanted to go hang gliding in a grass skirt. I will have this Mai Tai in a go-cup, please! I will have two!”

I made a lei, then learned to hula. In a coconut bra. Holding a Mai Tai. -via MaggieMason on Instagram

This is sort of how I wound up inebriated on a surfboard a few days ago. For the record, inebriated is the only way I’d end up on a surfboard, because I am terrified of surfing. Well, not surfing in particular, more the sharks who wait under surfboards trying to decide whether you look enough like a seal to eat one of your limbs. I’m also afraid of old-timey sailor sea-zombies pulling me to a watery grave. (I feel like we’ve discussed this.)

Revelatory breakfast. I have been eating terrible papaya my whole life. -via MaggieMason on Instagram

Anyway, pro tip? Tipsy is not the best approach to surfing. Unless you feel like making out with the reef. And maybe I did feel like it. Did you ever think of that?

-via MaggieMason on Instagram

Let’s meet back here tomorrow to discuss why my nose hurts.

23 thoughts on “Aloha! My Nose Hurts

  1. Mom101

    Your pictures are way too in focus for someone so inebriated. Either you need to drink more, or there’s some photo shenanigans going on here.

  2. Daffodil Campbell

    Wait……you’re HERE?! Were here? I hope you had a blast, and brought home a coconut bra for later. You never know when one of those things will come in handy.

  3. dgm

    If you are trying to tell us you scraped your face on a reef, I hope there will also be reassurances that you have thoroughly disinfected and antibioticized it (your face). Reef cuts can turn nasty.

    On a happier note, surfing is awesome. So is a good papaya!

  4. Jillian in Italy

    I’m with you on the shark fear. How can people enjoy surfing in Hawaii knowing there’s a chance they could be dinner for a shark?

    Hilarious post. Can’t wait to hear the nose story.

  5. Christy

    To repeat, YES. Your hair looks amaaaaazing. Hanging around with Drunk Uncle Hawaii looks good on you. Also, I think even Phoebe Cates would be jealous of how good you are making that red bikini top look on that doorknob. Mrowr.

  6. Tom G.

    Hi Maggie! Love this post. And I agree with the others about your hair in the lei picture, I love it too. You have such a versatile look that you often look like a different person in each photo you post.

    Didn’t get to learn to surf when I lived in Hawaii, so I’m envious. For some reason the parents wouldn’t let an 8 year old out on the open water. But at least you weren’t surfing over a reef while wearing a taboo tiki around your neck. You might remember what happened to Greg Brady when he did so.

  7. Desi

    Love. I’m supposed to be researching quantitative and qualitative analysis in sociological research. But instead? I am laughing coffee through my nose. Thank you!

  8. Sarah

    I would say yes to that. There are people who would say no? This is actually making me reconsider my life choices – here I am working in public schools, where I have summers off but can’t afford to go anywhere. Shoulda been a Mighty Girl instead.

  9. Deanna

    Gaaaaah I’m so jealous!! I used to live there and I miss it. Were you disappointed that there were no real mai tais at PCC? ;)

  10. Rebecca

    Please post every single detail about your trip, we are moving there this summer!! So excited! I hope I look half as smokin’ hot as you in a lei!

  11. Courtney

    Maggie! I really hope you didn’t pass up the chance to eat that shrimp! It will seriously be the best shrimp you will ever have in your entire life. Just looking at that picture made me start to drool. If you’re still on the island, you need to go back and have that shrimp!

  12. Cameron

    I’ve been to the Polynesian Cultural Center! It’s weird. I kept thinking that behind every faux bamboo door was a guy in black pants, a white button-down shirt and a black tie, holding a Book of Mormon, waiting to sign me up.

    Hope you had fun!

  13. JaneInAZ

    Just discovered your blog … love reading you. First papaya I had was in HI … only buy the ones from there now. Banged up my feet and legs on reefs snorkeling, but never tried surfing. You showed me that’s a good thing — one nose kiss from a surfboard and I’d’ve passed out and drowned. (Every time I break my nose I pass out.) Isn’t it great what the HI humidity does to curly hair? Aloha …

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