Finalized

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Hi, everyone. About a year ago I told you Bryan and I were separating. You left hundreds of comments on those posts and sent a host of emails. I mentioned this at the time, but it bears repeating: None of your notes was mean spirited. That still drops my jaw.

I’ve been writing online for twelve years now, and I’ve learned that emotional topics don’t always go over well. Divorce has affected so many of us, it’s a cultural raw spot. It can be easy to confuse the pain of someone touching an open wound with the pain of someone inflicting a fresh one. I expected some hurt, and even rage, to pepper the support here. In fact, I thought it was inevitable. So I braced myself before I hit post, and walked away for a few hours. The kindness I returned to was humbling.

All of us have seen people offload pain onto someone else online, or simply fail to consider the weight of their words. I so appreciate that no one here did that. Perhaps you had to hold your tongue, and if you did, I’d buy you a beer if I could. Your restraint saved me some downtime. To those of you who offered condolences, thank you again for your kindness.

I’m writing this because our divorce was recently finalized. Until the papers came, I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath, though I know it’s been obvious to some of you. What do you write about when most of what you’re thinking isn’t meant for public consumption?

That said, I’ve learned so much through this period, and I’ve spent a lot of time in crash position. (Growth. Ow.) Some of you have said you’re going through your own divorces right now, and oh kid, I know it’s awful. I wish I could wrap you up.

In the coming weeks, I’d like to talk about the helpful things people have said to you, some of the realizations you’ve had about the divorce or break-up process, and the coping mechanisms you’ve found useful. I think it’s good to have that information out there, and I trust you guys to keep it sane.

I also have good news to share. I’ve been snorzeling my kid (who is doing well, to my profound relief), and traveling, and making lists as usual. This has been the most difficult period of my life, but some time has passed, and the bad stuff is always mixed in with the good.

Through all of it, your grace as a community has been a comfort and a source of pride. Thank you again, everyone. You lend me honor.

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107 thoughts on “Finalized”

  8. Congratulations and condolences, darlin’. Been through it too, and I know, even after paper, it’s mixed bag for a long time. We’ll be here if you need us.

    Also, “you lend me honor” is the most beautiful phrase I’ve read in a long time.

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  11. You show us so much grace through your posts that it’s only natural that you would receive it in return. Love to you!

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  12. I started my blog in the midst of an ugly divorce 5 years ago…needless to say I have found great strength and inspiration writing about my transition and what I learned along the way. It’s a bittersweet experience but you are strong and you have an amazing support system that will help you as you move forward. *hugs*

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  14. I blogged.. I stopped.. I facebooked.. I blogged..then I had to start caring for my old parents.. then my husband fell in love with his sole mate.. who was not me.. and then he wouldn’t move out.. and now he’s gone.. and I have to file.. but it’s barely out there.. and I have the support of his family, go figure. How refreshing it must be to get the papers.. why haven’t I sent mine in yet? Uggg.. I keep trying to look at the bright side.. and at cute single guys..

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  19. Oooooof.

    (I think I might’ve been holding my breath for you, too.)

    Here’s to your new normal, Maggie, and the adventures yet to come. *cheers*

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  22. Divorce is never easy. It is a loss and an opportunity for renewal. I pray that you are comforted during this time and that you take time to devote to yourself. I wish I had taken more time for myself instead of jumping right back into my life of doing for others. You have all the support you need and I offer my ear if you need to chat.

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  23. My husband and I are each on our third (and LAST) marriage. Our vows included a note of love as courage – “This marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” May you be just as blessed, Maggie.

    Now, go out there and love again.

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  32. You’re awesome. I’m sorry you had to go through this, but I’m glad you see it as a chance for growth, albeit a painful chance. Rock on.

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  34. I am currently watching my parents go through a pretty rough separation and inevitable divorce. Reading this, and the strength you exemplify, leave me hopeful that my mom will make it through this difficult time with grace and humor.

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  36. I am still waiting for the papers to come. I know it is weird to feel jealous of your divorce. But. We are two years into separation.
    I am of course happy for you, that you have the legal wrangling over, the waiting for things to be decided over. Here’s to brighter days in the future!

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  37. I continue to adore and admire you. This post is beautifully written and another fabulous example of your grace and strength in the very challenging spot where the public and the personal collide. All the best to you (and Hank) as you move forward to wonderful things.

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  42. Maggie, I’ve always admired and respected you, even more so now, hearing your elegant wisdom as you share about your heart. You’re in my thoughts.

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  43. I know it’s been a long and painful process for you all, and yet congratulations seem strangely appropriate. The next time we meet, the bubbly is on me. I love you.

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  45. You seem like such a nice person, and it is tough to know that hard times come to nice people. Several of my friends are going through separations/divorces now, and as a bystander I am bummed out but also wanting to be helpful to them, so I agree that it would be really nice to open a conversation about how to make the best of this difficult thing.

    All the best to you, Maggie!

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  46. Man. I didn’t realize. I follow your blog but somehow I missed that?? Seems impossible. Anyway, I’ve been where you are — it’s been 6 years — and just wanted to say, I am good now. My life isn’t perfect, but it’s really good and it feels right, and it feels like I’m headed where I’m supposed to go. I wish the same for you. 🙂

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  47. I think congratulations are in order. May sound strange, but you did a difficult thing with class, and that deserves a round of applause. Well done, Maggie! And very best wishes for this new, next stage you’ve made.

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  48. I could not have read this at a better time. Just filed for divorce today to a man I’ve known since 1st grade and married to for 14 years. It’s is extremely difficult and knowing other people have done this and thrive on the other side fills me with lots of hope and smiles…..thanks….

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  49. This post proves yet again that you are someone I would seek out in my everyday life to call a friend.

    Thank you for sharing this with us. You are indeed a remarkable lady and quite a moving writer.

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  50. When I was going through my divorce, my dad said, “When you look back on this, you’re going to want to be able to say that you acted with grace and integrity.” He taught me how every thing you do is a decision, and it made me a lot less reactive.

    From personal experience, I can say that it’s wonderful. You get the space to respect the other parent as a person and parent without the expectations you would have of a partner.

    Good luck and have fun, and you look FANTASTIC.

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