In an effort to gather all my writing in one place, every Monday I post articles that originally appeared elsewhere, or work that has been gathering dust on my hard drive. This piece was my first for The Morning News and first was published in 2002. Thanks to Rosecrans Baldwin, who edited this piece.
A few years ago, I had a group of girlfriends who met every Wednesday to chat over a few glasses of wine. I used to write up partial transcripts of our conversations here on Mighty Girl, and this particular week I asked everyone to help me complete a freelance assignment. (Names changed for good reason.)
Me: I have to write an article. Will you guys help me?
Erika: What’s the article for?
Me: The Morning News. I believe I’ll be the first contributor with breasts on the site.
Diana: Cool. What are you doing the article on?
Me: Well, I was supposed to do it on bad date experiences, or kinds of men to avoid, but I just feel like I’ve read those a million times.
Mary: And they’re never good.
Me: Yeah. ‘Men bad. Women good.’ So I decided to do it the other way around. Like, meanest thing I’ve ever done to a guy.
Erika: Meanest thing?
Me: Yeah, like who were you meanest to?
Candice: I haven’t done anything bad, but I have a friend who did something pretty bad.
Candice: Well, she was dating this much older guy…
Me: How much older?
Candice: Much, much older. Like she was nineteen, and he was in his forties.
Me: You know something weird is going on when the age difference is that extreme.
Candice: Yeah. It was a weird relationship. Anyway, they had this really bad breakup. So she called his boss at work and pretended she was younger than nineteen.
Julie: Whoa. Serves him right though.
Me: When you’re 40, you don’t date someone who can’t have a beer with you.
* * *
Me: What about you Sam? Meanest thing?
Sam: The meanest thing ever?
Me: Meanest thing you’ve done to a guy.
Sam: Oh, I don’t know. Well, I did sleep with three of his new girlfriend’s ex-boyfriends.
Me: What? Sorry, it’s taking me a moment to parse that.
Sam: [laughing] I know. To be honest, it wasn’t intentional. But your mind plays tricks on you, when you’re not…healthy. [laughing]
Me: So how did that happen, exactly?
Sam: Well, he was kind of a jerk to me. I was so in love, you know, and I think he was sleeping around. Well, I don’t know if it ever came to fruition or whatever, but stuff happened.
Erika: With this chick?
Sam: Yeah. So when they started dating, I promptly went and slept with three of her ex-boyfriends within the next couple months.
Me: Oh, man.
Sam: I think it was a subconscious thing, but I did find out all the bad stuff about her.
Candice: Like what?
Sam: I mean, all her ex-boyfriends didn’t like her. She was very princess-y. Oh! And I also found out she had never had an orgasm.
Me: You’re kidding me!
Donna: They told you that?
Sam: Well, yeah. I was sleeping with these guys.
Me: But none of this is mean to the guy in question, really.
Sam: Yeah. It was indirectly, I guess. How about the guy who wouldn’t go down on me, and I told him it was a major character flaw?
Mary: What was his response?
Sam: He was like, ‘Well maybe I’ll do it for my wife.’
All: [derisive laughter]
Alyssa: What a weirdo.
Sam: Yeah. He was cute though.
Me: How long had you been dating?
Sam: Not very long, it was like the third time. At first I wasn’t sure because, sometimes, you know, it takes awhile.
Alyssa: Why wouldn’t he?
Sam: I don’t know. Grossed out, I guess. I think he was gay.
Sam: [whispers] I always think men who don’t like pussy are gay. You know? Most guys love it. [laughter]
* * *
Donna: OK, I have a good one.
Donna: When I was younger, there was this guy who I used to correspond with. We would email back and forth and we actually kind of fell in love that way, right?
Donna: But he was friends with the guy I was dating at the time, so nothing happened. Then I broke up with the guy a few months later, and pen-pal dude came to town. Anyway, he was going off to college and he was a virgin.
Donna: So I took care of that. [laughter]
Donna: But then, he left, right? I didn’t hear from him for, like, months. No phone calls, no notes, nothing, right?
Me: Oh, man.
Donna: Yeah! Keep in mind that we used to correspond constantly, so I was really hurt. Upset about it, of course.
All: [sympathetic sounds]
Donna: So he came back to visit or whatever, and I was really niiiice, and we started hooking up. We got all hot and heavy, and then I was like, ‘OK, you need to leave.’ He was like, ‘What?’ And I said, ‘I haven’t heard from you in months, then you come back and expect me to be all fine with it?’
Lannie: Right on. You’re the one who made him a man! [laughter]
Donna: I know, seriously. And he was all confused and stuttering, ‘You’re just gonna leave me like this?’ And I was like, ‘Yep.’
Mary: Good. That whole blue balls thing is such a myth.
Donna: Yeah, he was pretty much limping out though.
Alyssa: Was this after he had…made sure you were satisfied?
All: NO WAAAAYYY!
Lannie: Oh that is the best.
Donna: Yeah, it felt pretty good.
* * *
Me: Your turn Anne.
Anne: I’ve never really been mean to anyone.
Anne: Not that I can think of.
Me: Like never, ever?
Anne: Not really. I wish I were more vengeful when someone screwed me over. I’ve dated some real dickheads.
Me: What about guys who repulsed you and you told them you weren’t interested, but they just kept coming back like the plague?
Me: Oh please, you’re gorgeous. That has to have happened to you.
Me: I don’t believe you.
Anne: Actually, I do have one. But I’m afraid you guys will think I’m a slut.
Alyssa: Oh, now you have to tell. [Anne covers face with hands]
All: Tell! Tell! Tell!
Me: None of us are going to think you’re a slut, come on.
Anne: OK. [anxious] Oooooohhhhhh! It’s really, really bad! OK. [exhales] So I used to live with this one guy, and he had this super-hot best friend who used to come around all the time.
Donna: This can’t go anywhere good.
Anne: So his brother was also really hot.
Me: Oh nooooo.
Anne: Sooo…So all of us went out one night and we decided to try ecstasy. I’d never done it before, and it totally affects me. Like, a lot. So we’re dancing for a while and then we decide to go home, but I can’t find my boyfriend anywhere. We looked around for like an hour, and finally we just gave up and went home.
Me: Uh huh.
Anne: So I’m in the living room with these two gorgeous guys and I order them both to go sit on the couch. Then I just kneel down in front of them and [covers face with hands] give them both a hand job at the same time.
Me: You are kidding me!
Donna: Holy crap! With his brother?
Anne: The worst part is, he was married.
Lannie: Who, the brother?
Donna: Ahem, you’re in trouble with the married lady over here.
Anne: I know. I knoooow. [covers face] It was so terrible the next morning. Like, ‘Oh my God. What just happened?’
Me: What the hell did happen?
Anne: I don’t know, I just felt like such a porn star. It just…sort of…unfolded.
Me: Oh my god. That’s amazing. I would so never expect to hear anything like that from you. Anne? Cupcake-baking, freckles on the nose, smiley Anne?
Anne: I know, I still can’t believe it happened.
Lannie: You were livin’ the dream, girl.
Me: Was it good?
Anne: Yeah, it was totally good.
Erika: The brother was married?!?
Anne: I know. Well, not that this makes it any better, but they really shouldn’t have been married in the first place. I actually think he got a divorce a few months later.
Me: Where the hell was your boyfriend anyway?
Anne: Well, that’s an even better part of the story. Turns out that he was out getting crack.
Anne: Can you believe that? Yeah, I mean I understand a little pot or something now and then, but when you get into heroin or crack… We broke up.
Me: Did you tell him?
Anne: No way. He still doesn’t know. I wish I could go tell him now. He was a jerk to me.
Me: Why didn’t his brother or his best friend say anything?
Anne: They’re not gonna tell. They’d get in more trouble than I would.
Me: I guess that’s true.
Alyssa: You totally win the story contest.
Me: Oh, man.
Anne: I know. I don’t do ecstasy anymore.