In the comments of my wedding etiquette post, Philip pointed out this tribute by Andrew Cohen, who’s in love with a woman marrying another man. He published it on her wedding day:
On Her Wedding Day, Saying the Things Left Unsaid
Then Sarah mentioned that Lizzie Skurnick had written a response column:
How Not to Congratulate Your Ex on Her Wedding Day
If I were the bride, I would have been less than flattered. But I’m curious about what you guys think. Selfish creep, or hopeless romantic?
Mighty Girl 
Um. I’d be a bit more relaxed about it. I seriously doubt that the bride checked her ex’s column on the day she married – I know I wouldn’t have – so it had no effect on her day.
The letter is self-focused and also hints at perhaps why the relationship didn’t take, but it’s not malicious.
To me it screams too many glasses of wine, sad music and self pity the night before which resulted in a hangover that for him will outlast and annoyance on her side.
These are the kinds of messages you usually write but then wisely never send. He’s getting his comeuppance. It’s a very public Cringe.
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Do men ever not have a ‘true love’ who is ‘beautiful’ and ‘young’?
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ok… I realize I’m completely in the minority here, but I think it’s kind of sweet. I think #51 Megan nailed it- it’s a public “Cringe”.
But then I also am thinking with the frame of mind that it wasn’t meant maliciously, but with a genuine heart of well-wishing.
Of course, he still should have sent something from Tiffanys.
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He needs to learn how to write well and when to shut up. Blech.
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It has a real Nice Guy vibe… at least I’ve gotten similar letters from boys with Nice Guy syndrome. I am sure he didn’t mean it maliciously, but it was certainly selfish. It’s a one-sided heart-to-heart (I realize that phrase makes zero sense) which is unfair to her. When I got a letter like that, I felt like my personal space had been violated. Hopefully no one showed her the letter.
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overall, i think andrew was very self absorbed in his actions…and in that regard, lizzie got it right.
the piece certainly serves as a cautionary tale, but probably not in the way the author intended!
megan #51 is spot on as well – *cringe* – and i would add there is a third party affected here – andrew’s future girlfriend. i mean really, who would want to take that rebound?
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Good Lord! I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, but after actually reading it… Creepy but sweet would be one thing, but this is just completely masturbatory.
I actually get the desire for a little catharsis, even it being tinged with a little maliciousness. Right? no, but understandable.
The line (and it’s not even a thin one) where it crosses from merely selfish to vindictive is when it went from something many could identify with but only she would know to whom he was referring into something no one but he could identify with and everyone that knew anything about him OR her would know exactly who he was talking about.
It’s the difference between “To the one that got away: Thanks, you still mean a lot to me.” and “To Mary Ellen Cummerbund: If you ever want to piss off that tool you were stupid and selfish enough to marry instead of me, drop me a call.”
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What Andrew Cohen should have done if he really needed to get that off his chest: sent her that letter privately. And not on her wedding day. What he did instead: took advantage of his access to the public and, in an inappropriate setting, made a sad display of himself. Public emotional masturbation is always regrettable.
I high-5 Lizzie Skurnick who may have been a tad bit bitchy, but but with a very good point. (Well, five, actually.) Which may be why she’s single…no one likes a bitchy know-it-all, even when she IS right.
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“…worldly absolution from any guilt or sadness she felt between the time she said no to me and the time she said yes to him.” and “No one ought to have to carry that with them into a marriage.”
He thinks he’s a priest and is granting her absolution? As a practicing catholic, he is the one who needs absolution because it is written n stone that “thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s wife” He is clearly the one who needs to ask for absolution. There is no commandment stating, “Thou shalt feel guilt for dumping a self absorbed jerk who thinks you should have married him”
Whew! What a jerk! Women of NYC beware this nincompoop.
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He’s navel-gazing asshole.
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Where were the editors in all of this?
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He’s a navel-gazing asshole.
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It was really painful to read his column. Nothing but narcissistic, self-serving, woe-is-me bullshit.
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creepily self-indulgent. This falls into the category of “letters you should write but never mail/publish/allow to see the light of day”
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That guy is a selfish n00b. She clearly has moved on, she is getting married to someone else.
The reason he is looking at her all rose colored is because he thought he would marry her? HE DID NOT MARRY HER BECAUSE HE DID NOT WANT TO.
Women beware!
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Ridiculously selfish. Why do men always do this to women who have moved on?
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As a guy, that made me cringe. As I was reading I thought, “maybe if you had told her these things–you know–when you were together, she wouldn’t be an ex.”
She may have made him want to be a better man, but I don’t think he wanted it enough.
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Creep, and I say that as a guy.
He’s clearly not as collected or together as he’s trying to convince himself he is. I feel sad for her because of the public nature of his post. It would be bad enough if it was a private note, but….
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I’m sorry, but having experienced something similiar, though not written publicly, in my life, I must say that this guy is not only romantic, but truly sounds thankful and forever moved by this woman. How often do we insist on men being forthright about their innermost feelings and then bash them when they can’t cut the mustard…yet when they do we call them creep or selfish or whatever. I don’t think his intent, at all, was to make her feel bad or creeped out or whatever. He wanted to let her know how much she impacted him and totally express it while it was still ok to (not AFTER she was married). I totally applaud him for the move and respect his willingness to bare it all!
I had a man feel that way towards me, express it in much the same way and be my best friend for years and years, after we were both married…until he committed suicide last year. It never, ever would have occurred to me to think he was a creep or selfish. What it did do was clear the air and open up a means for a deep and lasting friendship that meant the world to me and only added to my life. I just imagine if he had not made that attempt so many years ago, how I would not have nearly two decades of him in my life as I changed and lived and became a mother.
I really get peeved when women preach about how men never show emotion, yet tell them to shut it when they do! That’s way more creepy and annoying than a public declaration of how one person loves and cares for another. I would think many women reading that piece would clamor for a man who, however long it took and under whatever circumstances, was able to understand the meaning of deep love and admiration for a mate and eventually express it in such a profound way!!
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I want to send this to my beau who seems unable to make up his mind as whether or not he can ever walk down the aisle again with a note that says “Don’t end up like this jackass.”
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Self-absorbed douchebag.
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Self-important and self-absorbed at the very least. I thought Skurnik’s response was wonderful.
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This is the kind of guy that makes this guy shake my head and feel quite strongly o call him an inappropriate name. I settle for, “Loser,” and, “Jackass.” I will think to my self, “Desperate smelling cyber-stalker.” By the way, was he invited or sent an announcement or invitation or did he do this embarrassing 100% act unbidden?
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If I were the ‘bride that got away’ (THANK GOD) I would think to myself, well- he finally got it out of his system (although it was via cyberspace and will be read by millions) and now I hope he never, ever thinks of me AGAIN.
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Be still my heart, I would have left my groom at the alter for that one!
It would have been MORE romantic if he stood up at the wedding and announced she was “the love of his life”. They could run off hand in hand to his convertible, her wedding veil flowing in the wind as they drive off in the sunset bound for eternal love.
In all seriousness, I was once stalked by an ex. One important thing I learned from therapy was it wasn’t about me, or any real love for me, but his insecurities, losses he had experienced early in life and a need for control.
“Timing is everything?”
Restraining orders are everything and more.
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eh, he feels what he feels, and it probably made her feel like shit. But look what he lost. So, on goes life.
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Selfish, and sad. As a man, I was embarrassed reading his column, for him and for my gender. It was all about him, and his regret. It read like an exercise his therapist gave him, “Write a letter to her on her wedding day,” that they would discuss in his next session, and he decided to turn it in at work instead…
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Cohen probably doesn’t realize it, but this letter is all about him — not her, and not what’s best for her and her new husband on THEIR WEDDING DAY.
At the very least, he could have expressed this privately to her– not to thousands of people. It’s selfish. Skurnick could have been more sensitive, but she’s right.
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Hmmm, he’s pathetic. I don’t think it was heartfelt in the least. His attempt at swooning other women into thinking he’s a introspective and a now changed man has failed miserably.
It sort of reminds me of my own wedding… my oldest and dearest friend’s brother (we all grew up together every summer when I visited my grandparents in Oklahoma) “tried” to flirt with me at my reception. He and I had a moment one summer where he tried to kiss me (I was 12 and he was 15) and back then I considered it my first love and crushed on him from afar for years… but fast forward 25 years later and he’s going to bring this up at my reception? And ask me if remember our love? Men, ugh…
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The first paragraph started innocently enough but it quickly devolved into being so, so very creepy, and just went on and on and on. He kinda has a stalker vibe about him… if I were his ex I’d be watching for him in dark alleys.
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Hopelessly creepy romantic, I’d say.
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I rather enjoyed Lizzie’s response.
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I’m with Lizzie on this, particularly on the opinion that what that guy did was “catastrophically narcissistic.”
Hopefully if the bride ever saw it, she took one look at it, knew it had NOTHING IN THE WORLD TO DO WITH HER, and promptly forgot about it.
Yuck.
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Heartfelt but misguided is how I read it. It’s not a story about a man expressing his emotions, it’s a story about a man not thinking about how his actions affect someone else. The whole “chatty cathy” thing that Skurnick brings up. And, it’s clear that Skurnick is not just talking about *this guy* but all these guys who are in relationships who take a very narcissistic view on romance and love. These “nice guys” who turn bitter because women have made them so. It’s ridiculous.
Also, his response to her after the fact tells the whole story. Called out he resorts to the timeless put-down of women: you’re all just shrews made bitter because you can’t get a man. I was waiting for him to call her a fat, hairy-legged lesbian.
The truth I see in his letter is that he loved his catch of a younger woman (she stood up to her friends) and it made him look good to the people he knew including his family (my son isn’t a failure — look at his beautiful girlfriend!). He claims that she restored his faith in love but I’m not buying it. With his attitude about women and their (stupid) career aspirations, he may find it difficult to not get burned again.
Ugh. Sorry. I’m sure in his heart it felt romantic but these things are all about perspective. Intent is really only half the story.
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After I read these columns, I imagined Lizzie and Andrew meeting in person a la You’ve Got Mail, falling in love and laughing about their battle of words over half chocolate and half vanilla wedding cake.
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I have to vote selfish creep based on how incredibly uncomfortable I was by the end of Cohen’s um “tribute.” Skurnick hit the nail on the head — that letter had nothing to do with the bride.
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This clown sounds like my ex, and they’re all exes for a reason, a reason he, too, has failed to bring to the public.
I once dated a guy in my mid – twenties who was completely lost and irresponsible. He would cut classes while attending community college and had gotten fired once for showing up at work still drunk. But did I put up with such behavior? No. I told him I would end the relationship if he didn’t apply himself and prove that he was better than the examples he’d set.
My ex got married last weekend to a girl he met while earning his Master’s in paleobiology. He not only finished community college, but earned his Bachelor’s, and now he’s applying to schools throughout the world to earn his Doctorates Degree in Paleobiology. Don’t get me wrong – I’m happy for him – but I got nothing out of that relationship…which is why I had ended it three years ago.
I whole heartedly feel the writer is being selfish. It must be nice to get so far in life and only giving your ex loved ones headaches and heart ache in return. Good riddance…
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Finding this written in his journal after he died would be romantic. Publishing it for all the world to see (as well as his ex’s husband) is just selfish. Truly being happy for her would be a public “you deserve this happiness and your husband is a luck man” and a private lament of what you lost.
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There’s a time and a place for everything.
A man I loved once let me walk away from the relationship. I told him that I was in love with him but was pretty sure he was not in love with me, so I wanted to end the “dating” part in hopes of salvaging our very good friendship. A month or two of avoiding each other, another month or so of tip-toeing, and it worked – we got past the awkwardness and were able to resume our friendship for a year or so.
He moved out of town and we didn’t stay in touch as much, and a few months later I heard through the grapevine that he was getting married. I came home and cried, but was happy for him.
Then, about a year after he got married, he called me up one afternoon to tell me he loved me, he had never loved his wife, he married her in a futile attempt to forget me, he had ALWAYS loved me (even when he stood there staring at the wall while I explained that I wanted to salvage our friendship), and that although he would never leave his wife, he just couldn’t stand the thought of me never knowing these things. His words: “It would break my heart if you were to die without knowing how much I love you.”
He seemed completely unable to understand why I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, and bewildered (did I mention angry?) by his timing – and even said, “I thought women always want to know that the guy loved them, even if it’s too late.”
A time, and a place. His confession of love was in the wrong time and place, and so was Cohen’s. Those same words spoken in a different medium, on a different day, in a different set of circumstances, might have been lovely. In his column and on the internet on the day she’s marrying someone else? Heinous.
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selfish, and disrespectful of her.
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I think it’s rare to see that kind of technicolor train wreck. I don’t know what he was expecting people would get for that, what she would get from it…so grossly inappropriate, particularly the dying father. I feel for her husband and maybe a little for the author because one day he is going to realize how untake-backable this act was.
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Technicolor train wreck about covers it. I hope her friends performed a collective dramatic reading of it that paralyzed everyone with laughter and put it into perspective.
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