I have problematic teeth. When I go to the dentist, which I do every few minutes, they look at me like I’ve been sleeping with hard candy in my mouth, and waking to a hearty breakfast of dried apricots dipped in marshmallow fluff.
So many hygienists have given me flossing demonstrations that I’ve begun to carry a photo of our medicine cabinet in my wallet:
That’s eleven containers of floss, y’all, not counting the two in my nightstand drawer and the one I keep in my dopp kit. So you see, I’ve become “vigilant” about this issue. I’m the fucking Rainman of flossing.
Anyway, this round of oral surgery was to place two implants, one to replace a baby tooth that I never lost, and one to replace a botched root canal done by a dentist I no longer visit — except in particularly graphic nightmares.
After the surgeon made four unsuccessful attempts at placing an IV to knock me out, we decided it might be preferable to go with the laughing gas. Because I was in fetal position crying at the time, this sounded good to me.
They applied the Vader mask, and I immediately recalled how much I dislike laughing gas. I lost the bit of composure I’d managed to summon, and tears began to pool in my ears. When the Novocain took effect, I freaked, albeit in a very subdued, distant manner. A peek into my gas-addled mind:
It is clear I have no teeth. I am an ancient person whose toothless face is weathered with knowledge.
No. Wait. I am a baby with a round, toothless face, seeing every detail for the first time.
No! Wait! I am uncomfortably high.
To test the latter theory, I tried to lift my arm. Fail. Accordingly, I began to panic.
I am too high to lift my arm. I am entirely too high!! How can I possibly be of use? How can I help the periodontist complete this task? I am useless like this! USELESS!
Then I began to laugh uncontrollably, and my arm floated into view. I tapped the mask and said, “I. Hate. This. Shit.”
And that’s how I ended up having the surgery with a pint of Novocain and very little dignity. I can recall all the details of why my mouth feels like this, which is why I hope to drink heavily this weekend.
Tomorrow, do you want to talk about bone grafting? No? Aw. Let’s do it anyway.
Love,
Maggie
Mighty Girl 
If it makes you feel any better, I got four impacted wisdom teeth removed … by an Army dentist … while I was fully awake.
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For I split second I thought your post was titled “Lead is Heavy, Like a Melon.” Maybe I’m the one on drugs?
Aw, you poor thing, what a miserable ordeal. (Does the phrase “bone grafting” make anyone else feel slightly queasy?)
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Na na na na..na na na na na…I wanna be sedated!
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Oh, does that ever bring back some unpleasant memories of having my wisdom teeth pulled. I can remember having a long, extremely detailed conversation with myself in my own head about whether I loved laughing gas or hated it. I can’t remember the conclusion I arrived at, only that I hated the periodontist’s breathing guts.
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The first time I had laughing gas (for a scary dental procedure, involving skin grafting!), I became hysterical and cried the whole time. Nowadays, I just ask for the needle straight-up.
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Knowing how you are (or were) about pain, I think your reactions were quite mild. And the fact that you can find humor in it confirms you are out of your mind!
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Oh my gosh, that’s positively terrible. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Nightmare!
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The line about trying to lift your arm made my stomach turn. I remember the first time I was on painkillers, I spent what seemed like hours trying to lift my arms…uugh.
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I have horrible teeth too. I floss daily. I brush twice a day with a Sonicare. My dentist thinks I just have bad genes. Still, I am 28 years old and facing having to have all my teeth crowned. By being vigilant in my dental hygiene I’m hoping to put all that work off as long as possible. In any case, I can, unfortunately, relate to this.
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GIRL. You poor thing. When you get down here to H-town, PLEASE let me buy you a drink. I mean, damn.
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Aww! I hope you start to feel more human soon! I’ve had two implants done, along with the removal of my wisdom teeth for a bone graft. SO FUN!
I do enjoy eating all the mushy foods for a week after though. And being swollen up like a Cabbage Patch doll. Hurrah!
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Oh Maggie, I totally sympathize. Not only did I have jaw-rearranging surgery at 17, I also had braces, retainers, and of course, all four wisdom teeth out at once with a drug experience very much like yours.
Only with mine, the radio station in the doctor’s office started to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher: waaaa-wah-wah-waaaaaa. I tried to say, “I wonder what that song really is.” and then passed out.
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Maggie I feel your pain. I have been through more oral and maxillofacial surgery than any single person should have to endure. Braces, twice. Rapid Palette Expander device. Jaw-rearranging surgery. Other painful stuff I could expand on but won’t. You are not alone, and I hope you feel better soon.
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I would pay good money to see you on laughing gas.
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I am so sorry.
My husband says I like to watch depressing movies, and I say I like to feel real and uncomfortable. (No, I don’t have a therapist, why?)
This post kind of made me feel that way.
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AND. I see that one of your goals is to ring a bell. My husband rang our church’s bell to mark the beginning of our wedding. So you and your husband should renew your vows at our church. You could ring the bell! (This goal is right beside the comment box – see?)
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I think this kid knows how you feel:
(Don’t watch if it hurts to laugh!)
Feel better soon! I am sorry you have problematic teeth 😦
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When I had my wisdom teeth removed and they gave me the laughing gas, the assistant said “Why’re you laughing? What’s so funny? Huh? Whats so hilarious?” Oh yes, surgeon’s assistant your mocking is hysterical!
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When I opened this page, the photo was visible to about 1/3 the way down the cap on that bottle o’stuff on the second shelf, and I thought, “She must have attended some dental-themed art installation,” because the row of flosses on the white(ish) shelf looks like a giant stylized toothbrush. I had to refocus three times before I could actually see it as cases of dental floss.
I used to work at a dental office, and we once had a patient come in for oral surgery who was VERY apprehensive about having dental work done, so he’d requested the nitrous. However, unbeknownst to us at the time, he’d also decided to self-medicate before arriving, with either marijuana or cocaine (I think it was cocaine, but marijuana seems to make more sense).
The mask had been in place for about 90 seconds when he started giggling. By the time he was three minutes in, he was laughing so loud and so hard and so incessantly that the entire rest of the office was at a complete standstill. I was at the front desk, and people calling in over the phone were laughing because they could hear him in the background. The dentist turned the gas off, but the guy couldn’t stop laughing – and by now it was the kind of belly laughs that make you sore for three days afterwards. It took nearly 30 minutes for this guy to stop laughing; none of the women in the office had any mascara left because we’d laugh-cried it all off, and the hygienist ran behind for the rest of the day. None of us could even make eye contact for an hour or so afterwards, because we’d all get set off laughing again.
Out of the four+ years I worked there, I saw maybe a half-dozen people who got the giggles on it, but never anything that impeded the dentist from doing his work. This guy, though… wow. He finally fessed up that he’d been “indulging” before the visit and the doctor sent him home to sober up. He came back the next day – an hour before the office usually opened, just in case it happened again. (It didn’t.)
Anyway, that long story was by way of explaining why I laughed helplessly at this entry – it’s not that I don’t feel for you, you just reminded me of something. (c:
Feel better soon!
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When I got the laughing gas treatment for the first time as an adult, I thought the dentist was trying to kill me to a disco soundtrack.
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I had my wisdom teeth extracted (and apparently much of the wisdom along with) decades ago, but I remember the feel of the drug as if it were yesterday. I recall saying to the oral surgeon, “Man…this is some good shit….”
The oral surgeon’s response remains vivid, too: “Here come the dancing girls,” he said.
I don’t remember seeing dancing girls, but I thought later, “That’s cool, sending people off with a happy little idea like that.” He’d probably have made a good LSD guide. Maybe some kind attention like that could’ve helped you deal with the gas high.
We used to suck up nitrous oxide from whipped cream cans when I was a teen. A friend who worked at Dairy Queen would hand out cans from the drive-thru window on weekends and let us stoners take our buzz to a new level. You could hear the brain cells hitting the floor of the van.
Glad you survived. Loved your description of the event. And I always dig you on the twitta.
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Ok, yes, I hear you on the teeth issues. I’m currently struggling and without dental insurance, so this = terror at the thought of my next basic cleaning. Arg!!!
BUT. Is that a neti pot shaped like an elephant? Sweet christ, even your medicine cabinet has style! (My neti pot = the plastic cvs brand one.)
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Alison, I love that you noticed the elephant neti pot. It’s technically a creamer we got in Italy as part of our “animals throwing up” pitcher collection. Last time I had a sinus infection, I decided to put it to a new use. I am slightly worried about friends who’ve come over for brunch seeing it in our medicine cabinet, but he lives there full time now. Hear that, friends? You have not been dispensing syrup out of anything that has come in contact with my nose. No promises about Hank’s nose. The kid gets into everything.
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where did you get the black hat you are wearing in your photo on the beach with hank?
I get a photosensitive rash and am looking for a hat like that one!
thank you!
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i’m with ya, dentists make a fortune off me! every three months i’m in there waiting for them to tell me very bad news and yet i keep coming back for more.
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How many times do you have to go back? I hear it is a long process but on t.v. they advertise implants in a day. My son is starting the process soon (like Thursday).
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i noticed the elephant netti too, but then noticed your comment back to alison.
animals throwning up creamer collection? is there a post on this somewhere? can you feature these on mighty goods please?
also, i think i saw you walk by me in the crowd at outside lands during radiohead. i was slightly too sto—…um, star struck to say “are you mighty girl” but i’m almost certain it was you. were you wearing big dangly circle earrings and a pony tail? (because i know you totally remember what you wore to that show 7 months ago.) 😛
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When I had my upper wisdom teeth removed, I could only afford to go to Western Dental, where they just do local anesthetic for everything. It was a horrible, horrible experience and has since caused me great anxiety at every dentist visit thereafter, even though I have found a lovely dentist who is better in each and every way. I practically need an injection just to sit through a cleaning without my blood pressure escalating to panic-attack levels.
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One of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I cannot stop laughing and my stomach muscles hurt.
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I was too embarrassed to go back to my dentist for my check-up a few days after I got my wisdom teeth out. It was my first experience with laughing gas. When he started to take out the first tooth I freaked and yelled some sort of primitive “AAARRGH!” with my mouth full of instruments. Then I started to cry. I still feel pathetic whenever I walk in that office. I’m sure they’re all sniggering about me!
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I just got done with my implants! Well, almost done. I think i need to go back and have them tweak one of the crowns, but I’m very close. I feel your pain. Laurie-It took me about a year from start to finish for my implants. I only had to go back to the medieval torturer a couple of times though. Most of the year was just for healing.
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that sucks. sorry to hear it. nothing like getting mouth surgery. had a gum graft once and it was horrible. at least you got the laughing gas! hope you have an easy recovery.
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heeee. i’m sorry you had to go through that, but holy hell that was some funny reading…
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Dear mightygirl,
I send you wishes for copious amounts of bourbon and chocolate during these difficult dental times.
Love,
Maire
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When I was 14, my mom’s business partner bought a new Mercedes. Someone asked my mom, “Where’s your Mercedes?” She pointed at me and said, “In her mouth.”
16 oral surgeries, 6 years of braces, 4 implants, and ridiculous amounts of mashed potatoes.
I understand completely. Feel better.
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Ugh, I feel so bad for you. I hate oral surgery. My worst was when I was 12 (old enough to remember, not old enough to really handle it well) and I remember panicking and thinking I couldn’t breath when they knocked me out with the nitrous and waking up with a mouth full of blood. Ick. I hope you recover really soon and will be sending milkshake thoughts your way!
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If you have seriously problematic teeth and/or the problems continue to get worse, you might consider doing what I did.
I also had problem teeth and, over the years, had many procedures (fillings, root canals, surgery, etc) to combat the problem, but it was to no avail. My teeth kept deteriorating and causing major problems, so my dentist finally suggested that I have ALL my teeth root canaled and capped in order to solve the problem once and for all.
Granted, going through the process of having every tooth root canaled and capped wasn’t fun, but it was more than worth it in that my teeth are now perfect, free of pain, and I don’t have to worry about any more problems.
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I feel for you. When I was 12 an air force dentist (my mom was a MD in the AF and dental care was free) pulled 12 teeth from my mouth, except one was the wrong one and he shoved it back down in my mouth. It surfaced years later. I’ve had years of root canals, and other gastly procedures to correct what this man did to m mouth and I’m not done yet. I am 40 now and had an implant last year, it was the best thing I ever did. You’ll be glad you went through with it, you might need years of therapy but glad all the same. Oh by the way this Dr.’s name was Ceceree.
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Indie, I’m sorry, I don’t remember. It’s like 12 years old. It’s a crushable travel hat, if that helps.
Laurie, it’s a 6-8 month process I’m told. So, break out the party hats.
Sarah, I have no idea what I was wearing, which is unusual for me. That was the weekend our apartment was broken into, so I was in a haze. I’m sure we’ll cross paths again, and this time you know what to do.
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if your hair is as red as it appears in your pictures, you may want to consider the following. apparently novocain does not work as well on redheads. i know it sounds whack, but it is true. there is another kind (a step up from regular) that they can shoot you with…making it so that you may not have to get quite sooooo high.
here is just one link i went to google to back me up…there are a million more…
http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn2923
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The first (and only) time I had laughing gas I wound up puking. NOT a good experience. Novocaine for me ever sense. My dentist tells me I have “soft teeth.” Pretty much every time I go in I have to get some cavity filled. 😦
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For the record, this is your Very Best Blog Post ever, it makes me love you even more than I did previously (which was a lot!). I totally get the bad teeth thing. I was the first female member of my family to make it to age 30 with all her teeth still intact! I don’t have any implants yet, but I’m already saving my money for them. The only upside is the Vicodin!
Feel better soon!
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I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Feel better.
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I think maybe serial killers are wanna-be dentists who just couldn’t pass their boards.
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I luva, luva, luva, LUVA IT!!
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I got the gas with my wisdom teeth at 16 and I loved it. I could fly but no no knew, so I laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I realized they couldn’t fly and that was sad, so I cried for them, and cried and cried. 🙂
Over here now in Germany it’s actually hard to find a dentist who subscribes to the American idea of pain management. They expect you tough it out and actually think they’re giving you good news when they offer to do something without pain meds at all.
It’s taken me years to find a good dentist with the right attitude.
Really wish I wasn’t moving towns next month.
Happy Healing!
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OOOhhhhh nooooo….I should NOT have read all these comments. I’m scheduled to have 3 impacted wisdom teeth out in less than a month. So many evil stories.
I told them to completely knock me out, and asked if there was any chance that I would wake up during. Assistant says: “perhaps, but we will increase the drip and you will never remember!” Right lady, like my dreams will never bring it up again.
Though…I guess good experiences at the dentist don’t make good stories. Feel better!
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lmfao!
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The photo of your medicine cabinet reminds me of going to see my doctor one time. He noted that I had just turned 40 and asked me if I took calcium suppliments. I said, “Well I own calcium suppliments.” And he said, “That’s not what I asked you.”
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Feeling your pain! I had an oral surgeon try to take a tooth out about a month ago with Novacaine and he finally gave up and knocked me out. Feel better soon.
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