An Expert Opinion

19th September 2008

You know how Olympic commentators tell you when someone doesn’t have their toes pointed quite right, or why a particular maneuver is impressive? You start to develop this quasi-expert knowledge of the sports you follow, which you then promptly forget for the next four years.

Wouldn’t it better to have commentators for more quotidian things? Things you could learn that would really have an impact on your quality of life? For example, we could each be assigned a commentator for our early twenties who would follow us around offering insight into our performances:

“This maneuver she’s attempting could be a bit psychologically tough on her, because throughout her dating career, she’s proven to be a nervous talker. Let’s see how she does…

Oh! Oh! Big-time overshare, Bob. That is devastating for her. Let me just explain what happened a bit here, her date did not need to know she’s still having drunken hookups with her ex. Wow! That was out of nowhere.

Whew. That is really gonna cost her.”

40 thoughts on “An Expert Opinion

  1. sarah von

    What about …

    “And we can see she’s opting for the skinny jeans today. Interesting choice. She’s relatively new to this, Linda, so we’ll see how this goes.”

    “It looks like she’s really going for it, Roger. Pulling them on, doing the butt check … and Ohhhhh! We’ve got bad pocket placement. She’s got to be heart broken.”

  2. sparkle

    i could really use one of those this weekend! and not *just* for the second date i’m going on, it seems i could use some coaching all around. :-)

  3. meg

    There as a TV show called “Inside Schwartz” with that premise back in 2001 and, yes, it was pretty much awesome.

  4. sara

    there are a few specific moments in my twenties that make me cringe (and throw up in my mouth a little) at the thought of this idea ever becoming reality

  5. sara

    there are a few specific moments in my twenties that make me cringe (and throw up in my mouth a little) at the thought of this idea ever becoming reality

  6. Katie

    TOTALLY! I once heard Henry Rollins do a great riff on a similar notion, only he (of course) felt we’d all be better off with our own personal drill seargent reminding us to STAND UP STRAIGHT or, even, requiring that we rapell from the top floor of the mall down to the foodcourt, rather than taking the escalator, etc. We’d be a nation of badasses, that’s fo sho.

  7. Evolving

    I would not love a Drill Seargant, Katie, but OH how my life would be better if I had a personal commentator. “And, if I’m not mistaken Bob, what she just did was put her foot right in her mouth. That’s a tricky manuever in this situation. 10 points.”

    I guess my commentator would reward me for my short comings…

  8. Barchbo

    I laughed aloud! And if anyone is interested in being a life-commentator, teach middle school/high school. They really need the coaching…!

  9. latenac

    Sorry all I can think about it the Mitchell & Webb Look snooker commentators saying, “Oooh that’s a bad miss.”

    Not to mention I have to listen to baseball commentators now and tennis ones. Seriously the last thing I would have wanted in my 20s is someone commentating on my life is some 40 year old who felt that that they didn’t get to live the life they wanted in their 20s and thus would have an undercurrent of jealousy of my life in their commentary.

    I always wanted a oompa band to follow me around personally.

  10. ambika

    Ha! I thought you were going to bring in the financial messes that seem to plague folks when they’re young (including me). This was much funnier.

  11. patty

    I’d want Rowdy Gaines doing all of my commentary. He shouts (I’m 42 and even my inner-voice-ears aren’t getting any younger), he’s easily excitable and he always roots for the home team.

  12. Ms. Karen

    I’m afraid any commentators on my life would spend less time talking and more time pointing and laughing until they pee themselves.

    Like with the toilet paper incident of 1975…

  13. Jennifer

    Brilliant! You are so funny, so wise.

    I always wanted the background doo-wop girls from Little Shop of Horrors to follow me around, but I like this more.

  14. CrazyLovesCompany

    As long as the person being commented on could hear the comments. Or even better, before she did what she was going to do. Kind of a hindsight. Like if she heard before she opened her mouth on the date “ooh, hope she doesn’t share too much, could be detrimental to the success of this date.” Now that, is valuable information. Talk about saving embarrassing moments.

  15. sarah

    Hooray! Very funny AND I get to start my day with “quotidian”. Very nice change to my normal monosyllabic life.

  16. Lee

    In fact, this is already available in a slightly different format. It’s called blogging. :)

    Lots of unrelated strangers perfectly willing to give their opinion on whatever you put out there. And for an instant review/rating there’s always Twitter.

  17. denise

    as long as i get a “she shoots, she SCORES!” when i do something right, and a “C-YA!” when i hit one out of the park.

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  19. Piper

    Oh man, I’d be TERRIFIED to have commentators discussing my actions. “Let’s watch how she deals with trying to get her groove on while her burrito is digesting Bob”. “She’s definitely in some tricky territory, Ted. Note that earlier in the date she didn’t take any beano either.” “uh oh Bob, from the look on her face it seems like that is going to cost her dearly in just a short moment”. “OOOH! Did you see the look on her boyfriend’s face, Ted?” “Whew, she’ll be lucky to get some again before 2012, Bob”.

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