5th March 2001

Dear San Francisco Sidewalk Users:

I have tried to be patient owing to your obvious dearth of intellect and corresponding
need to be coddled like a small child. However, I am only one woman. If one more of you nearly blinds
me with a hideously oversized beach umbrella that you insist on using in the rain,
I shall beat you mercilessly about the ears with my laptop bag. When you are sufficiently subdued, I will appropriate your monstrous “umbrella,” snap it shut, and make a kebab of your brethren who will by then have gathered, slack jawed and mewling, to watch your fate unfold.

Thank you.

12:02 a.m.