EMAIL MOMENT!

From:Intrepid reporter friend.

Subject: Editorial Integrity

Excerpt:

“As you may have heard, Mark told some brilliant lies and almost got me a job, but the facade cracked when his boss asked this pointed (and loaded) question: “Do you even know what newspapers do?” I mean, how are you supposed to answer that? Apparently, not with “no.” So, providentially (which means “and then Fate/Satan played another cruel joke”), the building trade magazine I was freelancing for offered me a full-time job. They have a new Editor-in-Chief (third one in the same year — how’s THAT for job security), and she’s got grand visions about making it a “real” magazine. Bless her heart. She’s still fighting the good fight. Today, a guy from advertising came in and said, “Can you do a story on this roofing manufacturer? They just bought an ad,” and she replied, “We don’t do that anymore,” and stared him down. Wow. She’s going to get fired real soon.”

11:55 a.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: Affection.

Excerpt:

And Tom in love is an absolutely sickening sight. Like if you go on a double date with him, which I did once, you put your date in the car, get into the driver’s seat, and wait three and a half minutes for Tom and what’s her face to make out and debate who sits on what side in Lady and the Tramp voices. This is all very strange to a guy whose idea of romance is saying “you wanna be on top or on the bottom?”

3 p.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: Summer jobs.

Excerpt:

The first thing I found out about selling cars is that the dumber you are,
the better. These women come up and say, “What’s the difference between
these two convertibles?” So I say, “This one has 190 horsepower, and this
one has 170 horsepower.” And then they say, “But this one is purple.”

3:47 p.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: Toledo and the state of higher education.

Excerpt:

“At the University of Toledo today, the sidewalk was chalked up with all
kinds of misspelled school spirit: ‘Your here!’ ‘Sign up for the ski
raceing team!’ What the fuck are these people going to do?”

11:05 a.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: More about the bad things that happen when you include the word “girl” in your blog title.

Excerpt:

Have you looked at your search engine keywords thingy lately?!

• Father fucking girl
• Erotic stories of little girl pajama parties
• Naked girl fighting
• Thick free black girl

Man, you have all the cool parties.

3:58 p.m.

To the person who found my site by searching for “this girl i’ve been following:” I found your sleeping bag and toothbrush in the crawl space under my house. They’re on the porch. I’m keeping the photos. (Call me.)

10:45 a.m.