Month: January 2004

Saturday Night

Music: YOU DOWN WITH OPP? YEAH YOU KNOW ME!

L: What does that mean?

Me: What?

L: What does that even mean?

Me: It means, “Say, do you feel that OPP accurately represents your worldview, resulting in an increased respect for, and loyalty to, him and what he represents?”

L:What?

M: And then the other guy says, “Why yes, you’re well-acquainted with my fealty for said musician. In fact, this entire party feels the same way.”

L:…You’re drunk.

Monkeys!

In researching charities for a Morning News article, I came across this site. It’s a charity that, I shit you not, trains monkeys to help quadriplegics. Could this rock any more? At first the idea seemed so weirdly revolutionary that I thought it couldn’t be for real. Tell me that the logo, the tagline (“Monkey helpers for the disabled”), and those grainy photos don’t make it look like a very well-conceived spoof? But it’s not. These are real, live monkey helpers, and this is the best idea anyone has had in a long time. Why, oh why, aren’t they selling T-shirts with just the logo on the front? I’d buy three.

Leader

The news that Bush planned his war with Iraq a few days after inauguration has me upset. Plato, who is smarter than me, says this:

“When the tyrant has disposed of foreign enemies by conquest or treaty, and there is nothing to fear from them, then he is always stirring up some war or other, in order that the people may require a leader.”

Diction

The lead of this article reads:

“A Boynton Beach music teacher seduced one of her 11-year-old students and carried on a 19-month sexual relationship with him until the boy’s stepmother stumbled upon evidence of their escapades Tuesday, authorities said.”

Does anyone else think the word “seduced” is an odd choice in describing the ongoing molestation of an eleven-year-old boy?

Too Bad

Bryan: Green Bay got knocked out. They’re not going to the Super Bowl.

Me: Oh no! We wanted Green Bay to go to the Superbowl.

B: Yeah.

Me: I’m sorry!

B: I don’t know about that.

Me: What?

B: Your tone. I think you’re mocking me.

Me: No. I just don’t know the appropriate level of concern to express about one’s team not making it to the Super Bowl. It hasn’t come up before.

B: Oh. Well it’s kind of like you seeing Pamela Anderson on the cover of Jane again. Not a huge deal, but just… too bad.

Overheard: Information Exchange

Location: Coffee Shop

Scenario: Teenage girl waits for a friend and talks on her cell phone.

“I’m so cold. I wonder why people don’t wear their hoods. (Puts hood up.) You know what makes no sense to me? You see all those fashion shows, and they get a good response, but no one would actually wear that unless you’re that girl on “Clueless.” And their hair is all messed up. Hair is like a fashion statement.

So I went into the boy’s bathroom? I went in with, like, no shoes? Ohmigod, it was like the grossest thing. So you know how Amanda stands on the paper towels? I did that.”

Pulitzer Shortlist

From a November article in GQ, by Rory Evans:

“…Compared to the other men in Hollywood’s 18-to-34-year-old bin, [Colin Farrell] does seem like the most compelling character. Leonardo DiCaprio drives a car that runs on batteries. Josh Hartnett lives in St. Paul, and Ben Affleck is supposedly sober. Farrell, in contrast, rents a whatever car, has fathered a child without getting roped into marriage (his son was born to model Kim Bordenave in September), likes to get laid and, even better, likes to talk about it–a lot.”

So, to break this down, Mr./Ms. Evans is against environmentally friendly modes of transportation, the Twin Cities, and sobriety for alcoholics. In the “compelling” category you’ll find, “whatever cars,” men who are unable to land a model even when they’ve managed to impregnate her, and people who like discussing sex–a lot.