Tag: humor

Hotel Change

Bryan dials the phone, and the man on the other end picks up. Bryan greets him with a voice a few octaves lower than usual:

What are you wearing?

(extended pause)

You’re not Jeff, are you.

Mirror, Mirror

What is that?

You mean the guy with his T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants?

I mean the guy with his solar system T-shirt tucked into his sweatpants.

Seriously?

Yep.

How does that happen? How do you get to be a middle-aged man and think it’s OK to leave the house like this?

Sometimes people fall through the cracks.

Primaries

B: We get to vote tomorrow!

Me: (monotone) I can’t wait.

B: Hey! I don’t make fun of things you’re excited about.

Me: I’m sorry. I get to exercise my voting rights! Tomorrow I will use the power of my ballot to increase the common good!

B: I don’t know.

Me: I lost you at common good.

B: Yeah.

Thinking it Over

A group of us are at a bar celebrating. A stranger approaches with a drink in each hand and says, “Are you the soup and mayo pigs?” The best part is how we look at each other questioningly. Are we the soup and mayo pigs?

Brain to Arm

As we’re leaving a restaurant, a well-dressed gentleman and his wife block the door. He’s helping his wife with her coat, but when he finishes, he just stands there with his hand on the door.

R: Excuse me.

(Gentleman turns and blinks at her slowly.)

R: Excuse me?

(Gentleman may have had one too many mojiotos over dinner. R moves his hand from the door and opens it so we can leave.)

M: He was looped.

R: Yeah, that was weird. He obviously heard me.

M: He just wasn’t sure what to do about it.

R: Brain to arm. Come in arm.

B: This is arm, over.

M: I need you to move the door.

B: (drunken slur) Don’t you tell meee what to do.
Why are you alwaysh telling me what to do?

R: Exactly. “I’m not gonna move the door. In fact, I’m gonna give this woman the finger!”

M: So that’s how that works.

Dawg

This young man is strutting up the street with his boom box. He’s a big guy with a shaved head, sporting new sneakers and a parka. Suddenly he stops, looks behind him at ground level and gives a c’mon jerk of his head. Out of the crowd hurries a tiny Chihuahua. The dog rushes to the young man’s side and then sits nervously at his feet. The man pauses a moment, then resumes strutting.

Open Up

Bryan and I went on a drive this weekend, and wound up behind a minivan with a bumper sticker that read, “If only closed minds came with closed mouths.”

Me: I’m so open-minded that I don’t want to hear any opposing opinions.

B: If you’re not open-minded, shut-the f**k up.

Me: Muteness upon those who disagree with me.