Famous among dozens
An excerpt from Fussy, where Mrs. Kennedy is having a conversation with her little boy, Jackson:
“Me, driving: You know what? I think I’m lost.
Jackson, in back seat: Well, I’m not lost on my side.
Me: Seriously, I don’t know where the fuck we are.
Jackson: Don’t say that.
Me: Sorry.
Jackson: If you say words like that to me, I’ll learn them.
Me: Sorry, sorry.”
On the main strip in Vegas, there’s a billboard of a Hindu god with many hands. Each hand contains something holy: slot machines, dice, cards, a snow globe, a coffee mug, a showgirl. The slogan reads, “Souvenir Nirvana.”
About a hundred feet farther, there’s one with Jesus on it, but he only has two hands, so he’s holding a tiny prostitute in one hand and a martini in the other. The slogan reads, “Heaven on Earth.”
OK, all of that is true except for the part about Jesus. It’s actually a billboard of Buddha.
Kidding again! Vegas would never do that to Buddha and his lucky, lucky tummy.
We head out for an after-work drink at a martini bar that keeps a slushy machine full of vodka mix. Bryan brings us Very Berry Martinis.
Me: Whoa. That’s strong.
Rachel: And sweet.
Me: Just like I like my men.
Rachel: Strong and sweet.
Me: And fruity.
The menu reads, “Warm chocolate souffle with Italian wet nuts.” Bryan asks for particulars about the wet nuts. “Yeah,” the waiter mumbles. “I wish they would change that.”
Things you don’t expect Matt to say when you’re watching the Oscars:
“Wait! Go back. Hit clear. I want to see her purse.”
Bryan: What are you guys talking about?
Rachel: Ryan Cabrera
Bryan: Who’s that?
Me: Ashlee Simpson’s boyfriend.
Bryan: I’m already forgetting that.
Me: RYAN CABRERA!
Rachel: Ryan Cabrera.
Me: Ryyyaaaan Cabrera.
Bryan: Shit.
At the bar, someone mentions the possibility of the pope dying, and Rachel crosses herself.
Me: What was that last thing you did? After you crossed yourself?
Rachel: I was trying to clasp my hands in prayer, but the beer got in the way.
“Is it a boy? Is it a girl? It may be both. This auction is for a genuine real two headed baby calf. Died shortly after birth and owner had it mounted. Was taken to taxidermist who confirmed it was authentic. You can’t get this at Walmart.”
“While at work a coworker purchased some chocolate covered peanuts from a gumball type machine. (You know those machines that all stores have by the entrance to get your children to buy a handful of sugar!!) In that handful of M&M this piece of candy stood out, because it was different. After showing it to several coworkers, some made the comment that they could see an image. Some could see Jesus other people have viewed the item and thought it looked more like Jay Leno, Elvis or other images. In this crazy world of ours there are a lot of people claiming to have images found all around them, so why is it not possible that the beholder could not see Jesus in this.”
“I was told that these are a pair of restraint goggles for the unlucky inmate that was strapped into the electric chair – they are very old and made out of leather and metal – they were affixed to the person after he was locked into Ol Sparky – just before the switch is thrown the spring loaded flip lens is closed so that he sees nothing.”
“This item consists of a tall kitchen bag full of human hair! The hair was collected over the course of a few weeks at Famous Barber John’s of El Dorado Hills California. There is no telling just how many people contributed to this bag.”
“Use for whatever you like.”
“This is a Similac die cut card Baby model dated 1958.”
“I’m sure that many of you have read or heard about my recent Elvis water from his onstage cup auction which was a sealed GLASS bottle with water from Elvis’ cup that he drank from while onstage in Charlotte,NC 2/21/1977..
3-4 tablespoons sold for $ 455.00 on Christmas Day…
During the past week…there has been nationwide interest in the water….but even more interest was shown in the cup…”
Jane Masfield Hot Water Bottle
“She has, as to be expected, some wear on her high spots…”
“A nice collectible of the KKK”
(I shit you not. It says “nice.”)
“Founded in 1844, the Chicken Ranch operated in peaceful coexistence with the law and the small town of La Grange, Texas throughout its entire 129-year history. In fact at the time of it’s closing, it was the oldest continually operating brothel in the nation. The real-life brothel got the name The Chicken Ranch during the depression because, when the men couldn’t afford the $3 cost of a visit to the house, the girls began accepting poultry as payment for their services.
The Chicken Ranch continued operating successfully until mid-1973, when consumer-affairs reporter Marvin Zindler from KTRK-TV in Houston ran a week long expos� on the ranch and what really went on behind closed doors.
The doors were finally shut forever on August 1, 1973 however because of its former reputation customers showed up for more than two years still looking for the place.”
Mighty Girl 