excerpts – Page 25 – Mighty Girl

I’m reading In the Skin of the Lion by Michael Ondaatje. I love this description of a girl rolling over:

“Clara turned slowly like something on the floor of the ocean.”

2:27 p.m.

Another Onion tribute:

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers
Junior

NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a
Manhattan Burger King, New York
Times ‘On Language’ columnist
William Safire ordered two “Whoppers
Junior” Monday. “A majority of Burger
King patrons operate under the
fallacious assumption that the plural is
‘Whopper Juniors,'” Safire told a
woman standing in line behind him.
“This, of course, is a grievous
grammatical blunder, akin to saying
‘passerbys’ or, worse yet, the dreaded
‘attorney generals.'” Last week, Safire
patronized a midtown Taco Bell,
ordering “two Big Beef Burritos
Supreme.”

4:00 p.m.

This is the most interesting portion of an article on the possibility of implanting computer chips in our brains:

Researchers at the University of
Washington estimate that it will take them a
decade to implant tiny computer chips into the
brain of a sea slug, which will then be released to
wander the ocean floor under video surveillance.

When the slug moves forward, dozens of
intracellular electrodes will record its neural
activity. When the slug stops, the electrodes will
record that, too.

When enough data have been collected, the
scientists will begin reverse-programming:
feeding the recorded electrical patterns back into
the slug’s brain. If all goes well, the slug will go
forward. (The military applications are
staggering.)

10:28 a.m.

Technology advances so fast that I feel like Judy Jetson. This is a great idea:

The furry mascots of the 2000 Summer Olympics
in Sydney — as well as an avalanche of caps,
T-shirts, mugs, pins and other official Olympics
merchandise — are being tagged with invisible
ink containing DNA strands from an unidentified
Australian athlete.

3:44 p.m.

Engrish.com has a bunch of terrific Japanese mistranslations. This schedule book says, “Have a smell of panda droppings. This one is very fragrant.”

10:23 a.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

To: Me

From: A friend who just got off icq.

Scenario: He and a fellow programmer discuss a new word.

Excerpt:

maggie, you have to read this. it’s an icq
conversation I just had with
Scott.

<stupid conversation>

Scott: I got mad perl hacking phearness!

Marty: phearness?

Scott: yes its a term that was created in this
very room……

Marty: what does it mean?

Scott: it means kinda anything…but particular
and in that expample its
kinda like means that my mad perl hacking skilll are
so great they should
cause others fear..hence I got mad perl hacking
phearness…..

Marty: that makes no sense. and what are you, a
rapper?

Scott: its makes perfect sense…what kinda
programmer are you? and no I
am not a rapper!

Marty: -ness: suff. State; quality; condition; degree: brightness.

I’m pretty sure the prefix to -ness has to be an
adjective. dictionary.com
lists 0 references to fear being an adjective.

Marty: thus, it makes no sense.

Marty: it certainly doesn’t make perfect sense.

Scott: obvisoiuly you just don’t
understand….you must have no
programming phearness

Marty: I hope not, it sounds stupid

Scott: poor martin…your just not down with the
scene

Marty: and I’m sure that neither you nor me could
cause others fear via
programming skill. in fact, I’m reasonably certain
that bjarne wouldn’t
cause anyone fear due to programming skill, and he’s
arguably the best
programmer ever.

Scott: why must you argue such points with me?
just accept it as a cool
word….obviously your just not under enough stress
at your job to
understand code hakcing phearness

Marty: well I’m certainly not under enough stress to
invent grammatically
incorrect affix construction and then incorrectly
deduce its meaning.

Scott: i can mean whatever the fuck we want we
invented the god damn
thing and its not like the god damn english language
makes any fucking sense
anyway! bitch ass mother fucker!

</stupid conversation>

7:49 p.m.

If you’re a woman, you must visit this site. It teaches you how to pee standing up. I’m talking about peeing just like a guy, without removing your clothes. The quote on the front page by Judith Lewis of L.A. Weekly says it all, “Far and away the most practical information regarding the female anatomy I’ve run across in years. Who knew?” Next we’ll be writing our names in the snow.

12:14 p.m.

A cure for extinction:

BRIGHTON, Tasmania, Aug. 21 ï¿½ A sign by the small enclosure near
the Bonorong Park Wildlife Center entrance says ï¿½Tasmanian
tiger,ï¿½ but the fabled carnivore is nowhere to be seen. The last
known Tasmanian tiger, or thylacine, died in captivity in 1936,
but a team of Australian biologists believes the animalï¿½s
extinction may simply be a 70-year hiccup. DNA from a
Tasmanian tiger has been found, and cloning is under way.

The rest of the article is here.

3:24 p.m.

This is an excerpt from Brad Kloza’s “Decoding the Official Soundtrack of the Democratic National Convention.”

Occasion: Speech by Tipper Gore

Potential First Ladies choose one cause to devote their time to should
their husbands get elected. The DNC needed to select a song in synch
with Gore’s mission: understanding and caring for America’s mentally
ill. Gloria Estefan’s “Turn the Beat Around” does just that.

The Estefan song has become an anthem for mental illness
understanding and caring since it appeared in “Sweating It
Out”ï¿½episode #129 of “Beverly Hills 90210,” a popular program
formerly broadcast on the Fox television network. During this episode
the characters Kelly and Valerie attend a psychology seminar. Valerie
laughs off the professor’s philosophies and decides to leave, but Kelly
takes his words to heart because of her recent experience in a fire,
where she suffered burns on her wrist, ear, and the side of her neck.
“Turn the Beat Around” was a featured song in this episode, and drove
home the fact that Kelly’s lingering fear and associated mental concerns
were assuaged, or, if you will, turned around, with the help of a
licensed psychologist.

Estefan, who is as reclusive as J.D. Salinger, author of books such as
The Catcher in the Rye, refuses to comment on the metaphors in her
song, but countless critics have persuasively argued that “beat” is code
for “mind” while “turn” translates to “cure.” It does not escape their
notice that Estefan entered the University of Miami in 1975 with the
dream of becoming a psychologist. True, she tossed this dream aside
during her freshman year, when she joined a precursor of Miami Sound
Machine, but still this can be no coincidence. And surely Estefan had
Freud on her mind when she wrote the lyrics for “Turn the Beat
Around.” To wit: “Flute player play your flute ’cause / I know that
you want to get your thing off.”

11:30 a.m.

If you’ve got Photoshop and a spare half hour, you can erase your ex-boyfriend from the family photo. Presto, George was never at Lake Winnemuck. Now, live video can be edited the same way, but here’s the creepy part. It can be edited in real time. This allows producers to insert ads on the walls at ball games or completely delete a person who “shouldn’t be there.” The implications? “Here’s footage of the field in question. As you can see, there aren’t hundreds of dead civilians here. Oh no! Just another day in old Kosovo.” Yikes. This article has more info.

3:59 p.m.