Tag: excerpts

Gift cards that aim to change your life perspective:

“Listen to me for a moment. Quit being sad. Can’t you see the blessings dropping around you like cherry blossoms?”

2 p.m.

Two great words I won’t remember in a week:

chivy–to tease or annoy with persistent attacks

desiccate–to drain of emotional or intellectual vitality

11:40 a.m.

Years ago, I worked at my campus newspaper and used to get letters from inmates. (I think there’s a law that allows them free postage to write the press.) The letters were all written in pencil, and many of THEM had RANDOMLY capitalized WORDS, which the author further emphasized by going over them again and again until there were word-shaped holes in the page. Every inmate wanted a female pen pal, so they provided vital stats:

“I like romantic evenings with a beautiful woman where we could go on a picnic and listen to some Tini (sic) Marie. I also like to visit museums, like the La Brea Tard (sic) Pits.”

Wistful now? You wish you had an inmate penpal of your very own, don’t you? Well, I’m here for you. Jail Babes, “A Pen-Pal and Singles Introduction Service.” Enjoy.

10:17 a.m.

Another reason to read more international news: “Monkey Man Hysteria Grips New Delhi Suburbs” “‘It was a monkey alright, and about four foot tall, but as soon as I grabbed it, it turned itself into a cat with tawny, glowing eyes,’ the newspaper quoted a resident as saying.”

Update: This article has pictures!
“Deepali Kumari, from Noida, said: ‘It has three buttons on its chest. One makes it turn into a monkey, the second gives it extra strength, the third makes it invisible.
‘He touches a lock and it breaks. But he is afraid of the light.'” (via MetaFilter)

11:18 a.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: Summer jobs.

Excerpt:

The first thing I found out about selling cars is that the dumber you are,
the better. These women come up and say, “What’s the difference between
these two convertibles?” So I say, “This one has 190 horsepower, and this
one has 170 horsepower.” And then they say, “But this one is purple.”

3:47 p.m.

So this guy dies in his rocking chair. Papers keep being delivered, the grass keeps growing, the neighbors are getting pissed. But no one realizes the guy is dead until four years later when someone buys the house at a delinquent taxes auction and finds a corpse in the living room.

10:08 a.m.

From Messy Chestnut:

“One month after my second son was born he was notified that he was pre-approved for a Mastercard.”

Also, a poem he posted:

Watermelons

Green Buddhas

On the fruit stand.

We eat the smile

And spit out the teeth

-Charles Simic

10:51 a.m.

From Misterpants:

“Hey, you know how people sometimes hoot. Like at a rock concert or whatever, someone might go, “whoooo!”

Well, I’d really like it if everyone who reads this can make an effort to hoot just a little bit more. Not only at rock concerts, but also at poetry readings and just while waiting for the bus or waiting in line at the grocery.

I think it’d be cool if we all just started hearing that “whooo!” a little more often and in a wider range of situations.”

10:04 a.m.

EMAIL MOMENT!

Subject: Toledo and the state of higher education.

Excerpt:

“At the University of Toledo today, the sidewalk was chalked up with all
kinds of misspelled school spirit: ‘Your here!’ ‘Sign up for the ski
raceing team!’ What the fuck are these people going to do?”

11:05 a.m.

A while ago, I finished Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. It’s a modern satire with a hilarious main character. The author committed suicide without ever trying to have the work published. His mother got it published and it won the Pulitzer. My favorite parts:

  • Your total ignorance of that which you profess to teach merits the death penalty. I doubt whether you know that St. Cassian of Imola was stabbed to death by his students with their styli…Pray to him, you deluded fool, you “anyone for tennis?” golf-playing, cocktail-quaffing, pseudo-pedant.
  • My mentality, uncontrollable and wanton as always, whispered to me a scheme so magnificent and daring that I shrank from the very thought of what I was hearing. “Stop! I cried imploringly my godlike mind. “This is madness!”
  • “Santa, honey, that’s a sweet little Blessed Virgin you got on top that TV,” Mrs. Reilly said.
    …Santa said, “Ain’t it nice, though? It’s a little Our Lady of the Television. It’s got a suction cup base so I don’t knock it over when I’m banging around in the kitchen. I bought it by Lenny’s”
    “Lenny’s got everything,” Mrs. Reilly said. “It looks like it’s made outta nice plastic, too. Don’t break.”

      11:20 a.m.