My first Non-Expert Column for The Morning News. It’s on threesomes. I know this article just screams, “Send me some witty little email rife with sex puns and suggestive innuendo!” I’d ask you to resist that impulse. Thank you.
Tiny Little Life
I have an actual blister on my wrist from typing too much. It’s time to go outside.
Away
Our landlady lives below us; she’s rarely home. When someone calls her answering machine and leaves a message, it makes this sound:
Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep
Forethought
I grab this week’s New Yorker and settle in for a long soak in the tub. When I’m finished with the profile on Noam Chomsky, I set my magazine down and begin to wash my face. After the first splash of water, I realize that I’m still wearing my glasses.
The Things That Happened
In a coffee shop on the park, this man is putting together a model airplane. It is an A38-800 Airbus.
The counter guy is not pleased. This man comes around too often and perhaps stays too long; the airplane takes up too much room at a communal table. The counter guy approaches. Oh great, he says. You’re here to stink up the place with airplane glue.
Oh no! the hobbyist says, grinning. He is a man who doesn’t often get attention from strangers. I’m just cutting it out. See? The counter guy nods and makes a nasal sound.
In the corner a professional ballerina is being photographed with her students. In the bathroom, the girl in the next stall answers her cell phone while she’s peeing. She makes plans to meet up for drinks with her pants around her ankles. She is wearing blue Puma tennis shoes, and I wonder if her friend can hear the rattle of the toilet paper dispenser as they decide between Doc’s and Blondies. She hangs up and leaves without washing her hands.
Hi, Charlie
I met Charlie White through this site. Here’s the brief interview I did with him over at The Morning News. He has a show coming up in New York, so keep your eyes out if you live on the East Coast.
Commonality
This morning we’re watching war TV. We turn it off to go about our lives. Upstairs, our neighbors are watching war TV. Downstairs the landlady is watching war TV. For the first time, the thin walls are a comfort.
The Lady is a tramp
Just finished another piece for The Morning News fashion series: �Releasing Your Inner Slut. Please go read it.
Brother jamison
The guy with the shaved head is pretending to fight with his fraternity brother. They do a few drunken karate-ha! kicks before the bald guy decides head butts would be more effective. He removes his plastic Leprechaun hat, charges up the alley, rebounds off of his friend’s stomach, and retreats to charge again. One of the shamrock stickers falls from his cheek.
Later that evening, the DJ’s bass will blow just as the crowd has gotten frothy over Come on Eileen. At 4 a.m., Bryan wakes me with a jug of water and two Advils. This is a man I could spend some time with.
Fart Art
You know honey, we could use something in the bathroom.
Mighty Girl 