Getting Helpful

The Morning News just published my second article in the Virtue series. It’s called “Virtue: Volunteering from Home.” Read it and go do good.

Multicultural

Bryan and I are going to Amsterdam later this year, so I need to pick up a Dutch phrasebook. I want to learn a few key phrases like, “I seem to be bleeding from my ears,” and “I don’t speak Dutch.” Bryan points out that it’s funnier to use a more complex phrase when you’re telling someone you don’t speak their language. We kicked around a few ideas. “I’m terribly sorry, I can’t understand you. Dutch is, most unfortunately, not my native language,” and so on. We finally settled on, “I offer a halfhearted apology for not understanding Dutch. I’m American, so I didn’t bother to learn your little language. Where is the nearest McDonald’s?”

SxSW Memories

Our flight out of San Francisco was delayed and we had to go through multiple security check points before we finally got on a plane. At said checkpoints, they make you drink any fluid you have in your carry on to prove it’s not bomb-related.

Bryan: Do you have the flask on you?

Me: I packed it. I didn’t want to have to swill vodka before 8a.m.

Bryan: Until tomorrow.

Me: Exactly.

SxSW

I won’t be posting again until next Thursday, because I’ll be in Austin for South by Southwest. If you see me there, come say hi. I’ll be the one with Margarita salt all over my face.

Blue-Hair Tantrum

A sweet old lady comes out of the bathroom with her cane. A woman waiting for the bathroom has her back turned, and is blocking the path. The old lady raps her cane on the wood floor twice and stares intently at the customer’s back. She raps twice again, nothing. She begins to pound the floor repeatedly until the woman blocking her turns her head slightly and steps to the side.

Goth Talk

Stumbled across a goth grooming guide. Number 5 is a classic. From “Makeup Tips for the Bleak”:

5. If you have scars on your wrists from suicide attempts, by all means display them proudly. The same goes for bruises, cuts, and track marks. Abscesses, however, should always be coyly veiled in filmy black fabric.