Condolences

After the London bombings last week, I wanted to offer my condolences to the UK. I am so sorry. All of this is awful, bewildering, and needless, and the rest of the world is as stunned as you must be. We are with you in your grief.

The Mighty Hath Fallen

Sorry for the brief interruption of service, I was busy. Busy with pain. I thought it was food poisoning, but it turned out to have been some sort of virus. The sort of virus that makes you wonder, disinterestedly, whether your insides may have liquefied.

Still, because we had barbecued ribs and strawberry shortcake at our Fourth of July picnic, and I awoke at 1:30 a.m. to revisit a less-appetizing version of said meal, I’m currently feeling bitter toward those foodstuffs. I’m ignoring them for a while, say several years, until they’ve learned their lesson.

(You know what sounds good though? Weak herbal tea and saltines. Mmmmm hmmmm!)

Actually, despite being mostly immobile for the last two days, I awoke feeling pretty damn good. Fine, in fact. The contrast is so great that I feel like doing something incredibly productive. Painting the apartment! Lining up all of our shoes and shining them until they gleam! Showering!

Rock and Roll Lifestyle

I’m posting from the airport where I’m waiting to catch a plane to Australia! I’ve wanted to visit Australia pretty much my entire life, so I’m atremble with glee. Keep an eye on my Flickr account (link at left). I’ll post whenever I’m near an Internet connection.

Also, I’m a wee bit superstitious, and wasn’t aware that my otherwise excellent husband had booked international travel on Friday the 13th. So, uh, if you could keep the plane aloft with your goodwill and happy thoughts, that would rock.

Sara’s Dentist Appointment

“They had my mouth all stretched open, and my lips were cracking, so they kept putting Vaseline on, but it would dry out and get all stiff. They would just slap more on, like everywhere, without looking where they were putting it. I was laying there thinking, this is basically my personal hell, my mouth stretched open and my lips cracking as strangers apply Vaseline without discretion all over my face.”

Overheard: Entrapment

Scenario: At our favorite Irish pub, the bartender is crying. She has just unwittingly served an underage informant and is receving a citation when we enter. The officer leaves, and for the next hour, the bar is abuzz with the news.

Bartender: (distraught)I thought she was older than me! She looked just like you, Lisa. Like your age. She was all dressed up and she had, like, a work case, like she just got off work.

Barfly 1: That’s dirty pool, man.

Barfly 2: It’s entrapment.

Lisa: Why the hell would the girl agree to do that?

Barfly 2: They probably got her on something.

Barfly 1: Armed robbery or something.

Barfly 2: Exactly.

Barfly 1: They didn’t Mirandize you. You’re innocent! They didn’t give you your Miranda Rights. Right?

Barfly 2: No. They didn’t arrest her. It was just a citation.

Barfly 1: But she admitted guilt. They can’t use that in court. This is San Francisco, man. This is a set up.

Bartender: (Tearing up.) I know. (She begins to phone other bars in the area to warn them that they should be especially strict about carding tonight.)

Barfly 1: This is how we spend our tax money? To catch criminals like you.

Bartender: Yeah.

Barfly 2: You’re so bad.

Bartender: This is like the bar where old people go!

That Kind of Day

At an outdoor cafe, my bag rests near my chair. A woman walks by with her dog on a leash. She sees a neighbor and stops to chat next to my table. The dog wanders over to my backpack, sniffs it disinterestedly, lifts his leg, and pees.

Boulder, Colorado

We arrive at the car rental agency and they only have white cars. This is a problem because Bryan will not drive a white car. They remind him of his parents’ cars. We wait, in the cold, while the car rental guy retrieves a beige car. This, apparently, is sufficiently psychologically comforting. We settle in.

Me:What’s this barbecue implement doing in the back seat?

Bryan: You’re kidding. You’ve never seen an ice scraper?

Me: Where would I have seen an ice scraper?

Bryan: I don’t know. Movies? National Geographic?

Me: Right. What movie prominently featured an ice scraper?

Bryan: When Harry Met Sally.

Me: When?

Bryan: When they were scraping the ice off the windshield.

Me: That never happened.

Bryan: Okay. Fargo.

Me: When?

Bryan: When William H. Macy is scraping the windshield and he starts freaking out and beating the car because he knows they’re gonna catch him.

Me: … Are you enjoying your beige car?