If you’re wearing a faux fur coat, heeled boots, a skirt, and bright red lipstick, don’t make a quick stop at Home Depot. They look at you funny when you ask where the wrenches are.
Category: My Life
Belief System
Five things painted on the van parked near the panhandle:
- NO CLASS, NO MIND, NAZI NETWORK
- 3 Ps: PROHIBITION, PIGS, PUSSY
- LARRY FLYNT FOR GOVERNOR
- EAT PUSSY, NOT COW
- YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN RETARDED
Lost You
John Adams, please report to the front desk.
The Savage Beast
In the museum music room, the security guard is asleep in his chair.
Hi-Larious
This little girl is standing on the sidewalk with her arms tied behind back. Her wrists are secured with a green nylon jump rope; she is about eight. It takes me a moment to figure out that this is a game, and not some freaky form of punishment being exacted by a missing adult. Her younger sister tries unsuccessfully to feed her sunflower seeds, and then doubles over laughing when the seeds fall on the pavement. This is why kids need backyards.
Overheard: Barflies and Honey
Scenario: Gina has locked herself in the bathroom at the Stone Crow on West 4th.
Girlfriend: Gina! Get out here!…GINA!… I am seriously going to kick your ass if you don’t open this door… You’re freaking me out…GEEEEENNNNAAA!
Female Bar Owner: How long has she been in there?
Girlfriend: About twenty minutes?
FBO: She had too much to drink?
Girlfriend: Oh yeah.
FBO: Gina, honey. You’ve gotta unlock the door.
Girlfriend: GINA! Let. Us. In.
FBO: If you don’t unlock the door, I’m gonna have to call the police, and then they’ll have to break the door in…
Girlfriend: GINA! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!
(The male bartender notices what’s up and comes over to the door.)
Bartender: Her name is Gina?
Girlfriend: Yeah.
Bartender: (Adopts an incredibly soothing tone.) Gina, honey, I know you don’t feel good. If you can just reach up and unlock the door, I can come in and take care of you… Just reach up and unlock the door, and I’ll take care of everything…
Gina: Click!
Bartender: There you go.
Huh
When I step into the elevator, it’s empty. The air inside smells exactly like my first boyfriend.
They’ve Gone Wild
Over dinner at a bachelorette party:
Woman 1: Well you know, before you’re twenty-five you only have a 25 percent chance of conceiving every time you have sex. Then that drops to 15 percent after twenty-five.
Woman 2: Only a 10 percent drop? I’d think it would be more.
Woman 1: Well, there are only a few days a month when you can get pregnant at all, so we have our little calendar and we figure out the days.
Woman 3: You know, you can just get a Basal thermometer, and it measures when you’ll be most fertile.
Woman 4: Best bachelorette party conversation ever.
Overheard
Guy 1: People don’t like to admit it.
Guy 2: Human experimentation works.
Huh
At the season-opening softball tournament in St. George, Utah, no one is allowed to bring beer onto the field. In the late morning, a few men gather around an open car trunk in the parking lot. They are friends of Bryan’s father, and he says hello as we pass.
Bryan’s Dad: Havin’ a little breakfast?
Guy holding beer: Well, no. We had breakfast back at the hotel.
Bryan’s Dad: Oh… OK.
Mighty Girl 