Category: My Life

FYI

Things this guy on the bus would like you to know:

  • You’re wearing wingtips. Wingtips could be Quaaludes and quickly released.
  • The army wants us to acquaint with action. No comment.
  • Brown, Jerry Brown, Willie Brown, Brown-eyed girl.
  • One is the loneliest number.

Hank Williams III

-What happened?

-He knocked my drink out of my hand.

-Why?

-I asked his girlfriend to move over a little so she wasn’t bouncing into me.

-And he got pissed? Probably thought you were hitting on her.

-Yeah. He was like, “You givin’ my woman trouble?”

-He actually said, “my woman?”

-Yep. He was right up in my face staring at me. I turned back to watch the show and he kept staring at the side of my face.

-What did you do?

-I put my hand up to my ear and started acting like he was trying to say something and I couldn’t hear him, like, “What? What?”

-Oh man.

-Yeah, so he sort of nudged his nose into my cheek, and all I can think is, “Did you just nuzzle me?” So I started laughing, and that pissed him off.

Let the Man Go Through

We head to the Mission for our hangover breakfast. It being mid-January in California, we decide to sit outside. During a pleasant lull in the conversation an older man zips by on a motorized cart. Our heads turn in unison to follow his progress up the sidewalk.

The cart is surprisingly silent, and quick. He stops short, two inches from the heels of a sleepy hipster who is waiting for a table. We wait for the older man to clear his throat, or murmur “excuse me.” Instead he reaches angrily for his handlebar:

BBBRRRRING-RRRING!

Of course, he has a bike bell.

Monkeys!

In researching charities for a Morning News article, I came across this site. It’s a charity that, I shit you not, trains monkeys to help quadriplegics. Could this rock any more? At first the idea seemed so weirdly revolutionary that I thought it couldn’t be for real. Tell me that the logo, the tagline (“Monkey helpers for the disabled”), and those grainy photos don’t make it look like a very well-conceived spoof? But it’s not. These are real, live monkey helpers, and this is the best idea anyone has had in a long time. Why, oh why, aren’t they selling T-shirts with just the logo on the front? I’d buy three.

Too Bad

Bryan: Green Bay got knocked out. They’re not going to the Super Bowl.

Me: Oh no! We wanted Green Bay to go to the Superbowl.

B: Yeah.

Me: I’m sorry!

B: I don’t know about that.

Me: What?

B: Your tone. I think you’re mocking me.

Me: No. I just don’t know the appropriate level of concern to express about one’s team not making it to the Super Bowl. It hasn’t come up before.

B: Oh. Well it’s kind of like you seeing Pamela Anderson on the cover of Jane again. Not a huge deal, but just… too bad.

Overheard: Information Exchange

Location: Coffee Shop

Scenario: Teenage girl waits for a friend and talks on her cell phone.

“I’m so cold. I wonder why people don’t wear their hoods. (Puts hood up.) You know what makes no sense to me? You see all those fashion shows, and they get a good response, but no one would actually wear that unless you’re that girl on “Clueless.” And their hair is all messed up. Hair is like a fashion statement.

So I went into the boy’s bathroom? I went in with, like, no shoes? Ohmigod, it was like the grossest thing. So you know how Amanda stands on the paper towels? I did that.”