maggeh

Everyone was sneezing on the bus this morning. The guy behind me kept coughing, and I could feel the little bursts of tepid lung-air on the back of my neck. I kept thinking about that Stephen King book where everyone in the world starts getting colds and then all of them die, except there’s a few hundred people left who form two camps. One is good, one is evil, and near the end of the book they have a battle royale for the fate of humanity.

11:49 a.m.

I found an article

on Slashdot about the possibility of using bacteria in semiconductors to create “biotransistors.” Powering machines with the energy of living things kinda creeps me out.

9:44 a.m.

My favorite line from the Onion’s story about
Harry Potter turning kids to Satanism:

“Hermione is my favorite, because she’s smart and has a kitty,” said 6-year-old Jessica Lehman of Easley, SC. “Jesus died because He was weak and stupid.”

3:51 p.m.

I can’t get anything done when the Onion posts a new edition. Here’s every T.G.I. Friday’s dining experience I’ve ever had:

Welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! May I annoy the living shit out of you?

2:40 p.m.

I just bought a package of phallic stick pretzels called “Rods.”

10:42 a.m.

The shell of a cicada
It sang itself
Utterly away

-Basho

4:12 p.m.

I’m back from my road trip, and as soon as I get my photos developed I’ll have some doozies for the butts across America site.

1:49 p.m.

I’ll be on vacation for the next few days. Need… sunlight.

6:28 p.m.

Butts Across America

National monuments and butt crack–two great tastes that taste great together.

2:37 p.m.

From
McSweeny’s:

AN INVESTIGATIVE INTERVIEW BETWEEN A SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR AND A WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE

SEEMINGLY UNRELIABLE NARRATOR: Is it true that Weebles
wobble, but they don't fall down?

WEEBLES REPRESENTATIVE: Yes.

SUN: Does that mean they simply choose not to fall down, or that it is
impossible for them to fall down?

WR: It is impossible for Weebles to fall down. And since Weebles are
not living things, it is also impossible for them to choose to do
anything.

SUN: Weebles aren't alive? But what about those creepy eyes?

WR: While Weeble artisans make a concerted effort to create a lifelike
appearance on each and every Weeble, I can assure you that your
Weebles are not alive.

SUN: Butï¿½

WR: Seriously, they're not alive. Get a grip.

SUN: Okay, can we back up a little bit? Because I'm getting confused.
Weebles fall down, but they don't wobble? Is that it?

WR: No, no, no. This is not difficult. They wobble, and do not fall
down. How many times do I have to say it?

SUN: Well, wait a minute now. I stuck a Weeble into some Silly Putty,
and now it's lying down. What do you have to say to that?

WR: Just because a Weeble is lying down does not mean that it fell
down. Lying down is something one does on purpose, while falling
down is accidental.

SUN: But how can Weebles do anything on purpose if they're not
alive?

WR: Hey. That was just a figure of speech.

SUN: Okay, I'm dropping a Weeble off the edge of the Grand Canyon.
I think now you have to admit that it's falling, don't you?

WR: Ah, well, now you're just taking advantage of the broader range of
connotations of "fall" vis-ï¿½-vis the comparatively narrow definition of
"fall down". Perhaps this is a slightly abstruse semantic point, but while
one can not fall down without falling, it is possible to fall without
falling down, if you catch my drift.

SUN: Well, being seemingly unreliable, I don't quite follow you there,
but let's move on anyway. What is inside a Weeble?

WR: Just plastic. Oh, and a single pellet of a mysterious superheavy
compound from a faraway planet that fell to earth in a giant meteorite, of
course.

SUN: While I've got you here, you don't know what happened to my
cat, do you? It was in the bedroom the last time I looked.

WR: Well, the Weebles didn't eat it, that's for sure! Because they're not
alive. Ha ha. Really. Not... alive. Can't stress that enough. I have to go
now.

10:17 a.m.