Author: maggeh

I Can Only Hope Not

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Maggie, do we have a synergy?


NO MONEY

Two old men stand on the streetcar island waiting to board. One is wearing a straw fedora, the other a newsie cap.

Man 1: I ain’t got not money. You got money?

Man 2: (Shrugs.) Guess we got to walk then.

Both: Hahahahahahaha.

(Short quiet conversation with bus driver ensues. The men climb aboard.)

M1: Hey, who’s that girl I saw you with?

M2: Who dat?

M1: The girl in the park.

M2: Oh.

M1: That Romie?

M2: Yeah.

M1: So Wapbopadeebot?

M2: HA! Yeah, man. Wapbopadeebot. It’s birthday time.

Both: Hahahahahaha

M1: You know Tony Bennet sang that song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco?

M2: What about it?

M1: Well you left your heart in…

Both: hahahhahaha

M2: Man, I ain’t got no heart. Jus somethin poppin in my chest.

Both: hahahaha

M2: Streetcar Named Desire more like it.

(They sigh together.)

M2: Man, I don’t even care. I’m on vacation. I got me a week off.

M1: Where you goin?

M2: To sleep.

M1: Sleep is right. You doin a lot of sleepin.

M2: Yesiree Bob.

Gay Pride Week

I’m sifting through the handbags in my favorite Mission thrift store, when the man next to me taps my shoulder. He’s attractive, well-dressed, late forties.

Him: Excuse me, can I ask your advice?

Me: Sure.

(He holds up a feminine red blazer and two purses.)

Him: Which of these purses goes better with this blazer?

Me: Well, the left one won’t work because the reds don’t match, and the one on the right is a little crazy. Is the woman artistic?

Him: I sure am.

Me: So, you’re the woman.

Him: Yep.

Me: Then it’s perfect. Have a fun weekend.


ONLY YOU

This morning I noticed a smoldering cigarette in the street. As most of the western United States is on fire right now, I walked a few steps over and crushed it with my toe. Then I realized how silly the impulse was. It’s not as if the asphalt were about to ignite. For a moment, it made me a little sad to live in a place where nothing burns.


MASTER OF MY DOMAIN

I’m way too excited about this. Two days ago, I successfully registered mightygirl.org and mightygirl.com. Triumviratacious. Troikarama.

Minority Report

I liked this movie. Tom Cruise looks good bald. This means that we can look forward to watching him decay onscreen as he’s paired with increasingly attractive 19-year-old leading ladies.

Hootenanny (Or Thanks, Mr. Dave)

Saturday night, I went to see Chris Isaak and Natalie Merchant at the Chronicle Pavillion in Concord. Ms. Merchant, you may be surprised to learn, is a mover. She bends at the waist, rips her head back and forth, and uses her elbows to do a convincing airplane propeller imitation. It’s fascinating and somewhat terrifying. I wanted to catch her head and say, Natalie, Natalie, you’ll need your neck in the morning, love. Stay away from that bad man with the Minithins.

Chris Issak is so much the better once you have a good wine buzz. This was easy to come by, as the walking vendors were selling carafes of red wine. I shit you not. This was when I knew I’d landed squarely in my target demographic, and I went down without the slightest struggle. The audience was a sea of happily bouncing white thirtysomethings wrapped in fleecy goodness. I had my Calvin Klien Jeans, a cellphone in my pocket, and a general sense of goodwill. I’ll be expecting my Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail next week.

Denver

I just got back from Colorado, home of The Melting Pot, an all-fondue restaurant. How many times have you thought, “This food just isn’t melted enough. Where can I go for more glutinous culinary options?” Colorado, my friends, land of cheese and honey. And if you’d like a nightcap after a satisfyingly runny meal? Locals head over to Prom Discount Liquors (for all of their underage drinking needs).

Point of Interest

We went on a hike in Lassen National Park this last weekend. (Hike is a euphemism for seven hours of off-trail snow plowing in running shoes while clinging to the nice young man with the GPS.) Some favorite things from the trip up:

  • A billboard for Colusa Casino advertising high-stakes bingo.
  • Hogsback Road, where an obviously important hog-related event presumably took place sometime in the 1900s.
  • A truck with “Chevrolet” airbrushed on the back in flowing script. There were rose vines circling the word, and a big red apple in place of the “O.”
  • James and Son Prune Dehydrators.