Elsewhere

I just wrote another etiquette piece for The Morning News. It’s called Don’t Be Rude: RSVPs and “Best Persons”.

One of These Kids is Doing Her Own Thing

If you’re wearing a faux fur coat, heeled boots, a skirt, and bright red lipstick, don’t make a quick stop at Home Depot. They look at you funny when you ask where the wrenches are.

Belief System

Five things painted on the van parked near the panhandle:

NO CLASS, NO MIND, NAZI NETWORK
3 Ps: PROHIBITION, PIGS, PUSSY
LARRY FLYNT FOR GOVERNOR
EAT PUSSY, NOT COW
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN RETARDED

Lost You

John Adams, please report to the front desk.

The Savage Beast

In the museum music room, the security guard is asleep in his chair.

Hi-Larious

This little girl is standing on the sidewalk with her arms tied behind back. Her wrists are secured with a green nylon jump rope; she is about eight. It takes me a moment to figure out that this is a game, and not some freaky form of punishment being exacted by a missing adult. Her younger sister tries unsuccessfully to feed her sunflower seeds, and then doubles over laughing when the seeds fall on the pavement. This is why kids need backyards.

Overheard: Barflies and Honey

Scenario: Gina has locked herself in the bathroom at the Stone Crow on West 4th.

Girlfriend: Gina! Get out here!…GINA!… I am seriously going to kick your ass if you don’t open this door… You’re freaking me out…GEEEEENNNNAAA!

Female Bar Owner: How long has she been in there?

Girlfriend: About twenty minutes?

FBO: She had too much to drink?

Girlfriend: Oh yeah.

FBO: Gina, honey. You’ve gotta unlock the door.

Girlfriend: GINA! Let. Us. In.

FBO: If you don’t unlock the door, I’m gonna have to call the police, and then they’ll have to break the door in…

Girlfriend: GINA! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!

(The male bartender notices what’s up and comes over to the door.)

Bartender: Her name is Gina?

Girlfriend: Yeah.

Bartender: (Adopts an incredibly soothing tone.) Gina, honey, I know you don’t feel good. If you can just reach up and unlock the door, I can come in and take care of you… Just reach up and unlock the door, and I’ll take care of everything…

Gina: Click!

Bartender: There you go.

Huh

When I step into the elevator, it’s empty. The air inside smells exactly like my first boyfriend.

They’ve Gone Wild

Over dinner at a bachelorette party:

Woman 1: Well you know, before you’re twenty-five you only have a 25 percent chance of conceiving every time you have sex. Then that drops to 15 percent after twenty-five.

Woman 2: Only a 10 percent drop? I’d think it would be more.

Woman 1: Well, there are only a few days a month when you can get pregnant at all, so we have our little calendar and we figure out the days.

Woman 3: You know, you can just get a Basal thermometer, and it measures when you’ll be most fertile.

Woman 4: Best bachelorette party conversation ever.