Author: maggeh

Clubs That Would Have you as a Member

Scenario: A woman tells her friend why she had to dump the guy.

“The big irony is that I was there first, I was ready, and he pushed me away. Then he was like, ‘I love you… I love the smell of you.’ I felt this huge responsibility. Like, ohmigod this person loves me this much. How can I live up to that?”

Ebay: the End is Nigh

Two-Headed Calf

“Is it a boy? Is it a girl? It may be both. This auction is for a genuine real two headed baby calf. Died shortly after birth and owner had it mounted. Was taken to taxidermist who confirmed it was authentic. You can’t get this at Walmart.”

Jesus M&M (as seen on CNN)

“While at work a coworker purchased some chocolate covered peanuts from a gumball type machine. (You know those machines that all stores have by the entrance to get your children to buy a handful of sugar!!) In that handful of M&M this piece of candy stood out, because it was different. After showing it to several coworkers, some made the comment that they could see an image. Some could see Jesus other people have viewed the item and thought it looked more like Jay Leno, Elvis or other images. In this crazy world of ours there are a lot of people claiming to have images found all around them, so why is it not possible that the beholder could not see Jesus in this.”

Ouch

This woman on the sidewalk has two black eyes. A large butterfly bandage bridges her nose, extends up over her eyebrows, and reaches down near the corners of her mouth. I smile at her. She gives me an exaggerated apologetic look, as though she’s offended me by passing.

Good Morning

The woman across the street runs a daycare in her living room. As parents drop their kids off, she keeps the kids from crying by marching around the living room band-leader style. The toddlers clap enthusiastically from their shared playpen.

When the song is nearing its end, the little blonde boy always bends over, sticking his bum up in the air and touching his nose to his knees. He waits for it, waits for it, then leaps up and throws his hands above his head for the crescendo.

We can never move.

Overheard

Scenario: The hostess at the neighborhood breakfast cafe is a very animated sort. While we speculate as to whether she is coked up at 10 a.m., she begins to chat with a couple from out of town. They are waiting for a table. This is a brief snippet of the 15-minute conversation they had until she seated them.

Hostess: So how’d you come across our little place?
Gentleman: Citysearch.

H: Really? That’s great! Great!

G: Yeah, it’s helpful.

H: Yeah! It certainly is! Although, you know, it’s rough with everyone commenting. You know? Anyone can comment.

G: I suppose.

H: Like, I had a couple of people go on there and say something like, “The hostess ruined our meal.” Can you believe?

G: Oh! That’s awful.

H: Yeah, like, “She seated two people who arrived after us.” I mean, come on! They were a party of six, so I had to wait until two tables opened up next to each other!

G: Of course!

H: That’s standard practice! They made it sound like I was out to get them. (nervous laugh)

G: How awful.

(Hostess holds up finger to indicate that she’ll be right back. She seats a few customers, then returns to chat more.)

H: Anyway, then they wrote, “She ruined my birthday.” I mean, tsk! Do I seem like the kind of person who’d set out to ruin someone’s birthday? I’m friendly! Or, I try to be friendly at least, don’t you think?

Gentleman and his wife nod vigorously.

H: Like maybe I didn’t sing happy birthday or something. But trust me, you don’t want to hear me sing. (nervous laugh) I’ll break the windows. (nervous laugh) Anyway, I try to do a good job, but there’s no pleasing some people. It’s too bad they can go out and just tell the world whatever they want.

G: I guess they should have some sort of screening process.

H: Really.