We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby

17th September 2017

nevermeetingirby

The best parts of We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby:

“‘That’s a really nice bag,’ I said genuinely, taking a sip of my light bill. ‘Did you recently receive a settlement of some kind?’ She laughed heartily and poured her Obamacare deductible down her throat in one long swallow. ‘Girl, nah, I bought this with money I should have spent on my car payment.’ I clinked the ice in my checking account overdraft fees and nodded solemnly in agreement.”

“I do not like conspicuous men.”

“This is a luxury, you know, being spared the day-to-day deterioration of someone you love.”

“I spent too much time trying to mold myself to fit the romantic ideas of humans who proved themselves unworthy of the effort.”

“I once dated an asshole who, every single time I called, would immediately text, ‘Are you in a burning building?’ Um, no? If I were, and I still had the ability to breathe and read the numbers on my phone while choking to death on smoke, my first call would most certainly not be to a dude who says LIE-BARRY and is afraid to try artichokes.”

“I have never, in any of my interpersonal relationships, with women or men, proposed to sit down somewhere and have a talk. No one ever wants to sit you down and talk about something good, like how he or she should buy you more stuff; people want to trap you in an uncomfortable chair so they can go through the laundry list of your perceived crimes. And all you can do is sit there like a scolded child, nodding sadly in agreement that yes, you are the literal worst.”

3 thoughts on “We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby

  1. Kristy

    Is it supposed to be “Are you in a burning building”? The next sentence seems like a non sequitur if not..

Comments are closed.