21 thoughts on “Five Minutes on My Phone

  1. sara

    While drunken typos aren’t terribly original and tend to fall into the only-funny-to-the-parties-involved catagory…

    My best friend and I live in separate cities, and my favorite texts are those I get from my him while he’s at happy hour. He’s already a horrendous typist, but get an old fashioned and his iPhone into his giant man hands, and all bets are off. We have named many a as of yet nonexistent band after some of his horrible typos.

    My favorite is: “Incite to Tibbacoo.” He meant to say “invite to Tobacco Company.”

  2. Molly Chase

    My mother recently suggested by text, after a terrible day that involved a barfing 7-year-old, a 3-year-old pooping all over her room, and an eye injury that necessitated a visit to Urgent Care, that I have a beer, a pickle, and an ice cream bar. My response: “No thanks, I’m not pregnant.” Hers: “Too bad, you’d probably love to have more little darlings right now.”

  3. Meg

    It was an autocorrect fail, but my friend texted me that she “had a really, really good dirty marine at the bar last night” (meant to type martini)

  4. Erin

    The best text chain that ever went around between a few friends of mine and me was when we spent an entire morning one-upping each other with obscure Brady Bunch references. Tiger the dog, FTW!

  5. Kizz

    Last night after I went to sleep a friend texted to say, “I just got home. Punched a cab on Canal Street.” This morning I replied to see if it was an autocorrect fail. It was not. She was on her scooter and he almost ran her over so she punched his vehicle.

  6. Hesper

    Okay, this wasn’t my text, but I have to share anyway. A girlfriend of mine has been talking/texting this guy she met on the internet several months ago. She recently sent him a text trying to tell him that her computer was making noise, only she texted the following:

    “OMG, my cooter is making noise!”

    I died. And I still die every time I think about it.

  7. jenG

    My younger brother hunts and fishes. 97% of the texts he sends me throughout the year include pictures of something he’s just killed or what that something looks like as dinner. (He’s a very good cook.) The other 3% are Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas/etc.

    *I* find this freaking hilarious, but opinions vary.

  8. dgm

    My 14-year-old is a bit of a worrier, so sometimes she’ll text me for reassurance. Like the time she was home alone while I was running errands:

    SHE: Chubbs is acting super weird–He keeps staring at the backyard and then running under the bed.

    ME: Dude, he’s a CAT.

  9. CoraD

    The last one is especially awesome.

    So, I was in Vegas last week with a girlfriend. My hubby asked for a cleavage shot, so I texted him one. He then sent back a picture and I just glanced at the thumbnail that comes in texts and thought it was his foot. Don’t ask my why my brain looked at that pic and decided it was a foot. It just did. So, I turned to my friend and said, “oh, look, J sent me a pic of his foot” and preceded to bigify it. As I looked at it again, my brain realized my error, and I said, “That’s not his foot!” and jerked the phone away. I was horrified and hilarified; she just hilarified.

  10. jen

    Is it strange that this post made me convinced that if I had an iPhone I would have funnier text exchanges?

  11. Sheryl

    The favourite text I’ve ever received was from my fiance, telling me “You’re right, as always” which means now I have evidence that he’s told me I’m always right. Dangerous there.

    The favourite text I’ve ever sent? To my mom, to ask how old I was. Because, you know, I forget that stuff.

  12. Emmy

    Autocorrect is always good for laughs. My phone decided, during a somewhat heavy text discussion about death and grief, that instead of the word “people”, what I really wanted to talk about was “pieholes”. As in, how many pieholes will be speaking at the memorial service? Um.

    And because that was so funny / horrifying, I proceeded to text the story several times. Only reinforcing my iPhone’s once-mistaken belief that pieholes, not people, are one of my favorite topics.


  13. Barbara

    I don’t remember how it started, but a friend and I have this text game where when we find out a famous person has died we have to be the first one to text the other with “Famous Person’s Name, also dead” and then something witty about that person and how they died.

    Example, yesterday my friend texted me while I was in a meeting: “George Jefferson, also dead. I guess he was more than a little Weezie.”

    It’s awful, but also so funny!

  14. LaurenL

    “After four hours of my pregnant self driving her furniture back and forth and loading and unloading it, my Mom asked me ‘So, how’s your weight gain going?’ I’m not saying I killed her, but I am saying you are going to need to call out of work tomorrow and drive up here to help me dig a grave-shaped hole”

  15. Mekesy

    Me: I have STD and I’m on my way.

    Mom: What?! What kind? You’re married.

    Me: What??

    Mom: STD.

    Me: What about them?

    Mom: What kind do you have and where did you get it?

    Me: MOTHER! I don’t have an STD. Crapping crap autocorrect. I meant Syd. And, wow. Mom, I’m aware I’m married. Clean vag’s all around!

    Mom: Was that another mistake?

    Me: What?

    Mom: Vag’s. What does that mean?

    Me: Short for vagina.

    Mom: Don’t say words like that on text, someone might see.

    Me: Whatevs. See you in a minute.

    (My daughter’s name is Sydney and stupid autocorrect used to change ‘Syd’ to STD)

  16. Diana

    My friend’s iPhone autocorrects ‘awesome’ to ‘Swedish’ (?). It’s now a thing for us. That’s so Swedish!

  17. Andrea

    I left work early to go home and take a nap. My husband sent me a text later that afternoon that said, “should I stop at home for a quickie before I pick up the kids?”
    I wrote back, “who is this?”
    I’m still proud of myself that I thought of that on such short notice.

  18. Natalie

    My phone autocorrected my name to “Hoecake” once while texting. I now choose to make it a term of endearment. “Hey, hoecake! What’s up?”

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