Bad News

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Hi everyone, I have some painful news. I’ve resisted writing this because it feels so final, but here goes. Bryan and I are separated.

I know this will come as a surprise to many of you, as it has to some of our friends. We’re both of the fine, thanks! camp, which is ideal for soldiering on, but confusing when your eyes well up.

Hank is doing well, we both get to see him every day, and Bryan and I are working on rebuilding a friendship. Bryan continues to be an amazing dad, and he will always be family. In addition to Hank, we still share a group of supportive, understanding friends, so please don’t be confused if he shows up in photos now and again. We’re both trying to be grownups.

Thank you to those of you who have sent concerned emails about my occasional absences lately. I feel less dazed every day, but I still start when I notice the space where my wedding ring used to be. I so regret not having the emotional resources to do my best work here lately. I’m sorry about that, and I hope you’ll give me a chance to make it up to you.

I’ve written a lot here about my dreams, and though this wasn’t part of my dream for my family, it has certainly been transformative.

In the last week or so I’ve finally felt solid enough to put together a plan, and while I still have all kinds of things I want to do, I’m also thinking more about how I’d like to feel and what I’d like to give. So let’s talk about all that good stuff in the coming week.

In the meantime, I owe you thanks for having been such a positive force in my life over the years. Thanks for being here with me in this upsetting time, just as you’ve celebrated with me in the happy moments. For those of you who are going through something difficult, I hope I can make you feel a little less alone too.

Here’s to more joy in all of our futures.

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344 thoughts on “Bad News”

  1. Just sending love and virtual hugs to you, Hank and Bryan. Hoping you continue to navigate this with grace, maturity and respect for each other.

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  2. Maggeh, I am so sorry. I check up on your site here every morning at work (shhhh don’t tell) and I got teary-eyed for you. I wish we were friends so I could hug you, but maybe a word-hug will do. *huuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggg*

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  3. Oh honey. Been there. The best advice I got was to get the support of a disinterested third party – a counselor/therapist. If you can’t go together, then go alone. It’s worth it. You have tons of friends but because they love you dearly they won’t always be objective. You need that now, for your own sake and for your son’s.

    Godspeed on this next journey.

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  4. Delurking after 2 years to say I’m sorry, and I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts…I hope each.day brings you a little bit more peace than the day before.

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  5. I’ve been reading your blog for a while now but never commented before. I thought today would be a good day to finally say something and let you know that this blog has made me feel like I know you (as I’m sure it has for many others). So I feel the same way (I assume) as I would feel if I got this news from a friend.
    I hope that the joy you bring people everyday can be sent back your way exponentially and boost your spirits!

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  6. Maggie,

    You guys both did what you thought was right and best for yourselves and your child.

    It sucks, yes, but a decision is better than keeping something stagnant or letting it eat away at you for years. As long as you keep it good and civil for your child, that’s the most important part. And remember to treat yourself well and with care during this time.

    xo avb

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  7. I rarely comment, but I just wanted to say I’m so sorry to hear this. I understand what you’re going through — my husband and I separated and divorced almost exactly a year ago, and it is a terribly hard time, but you will get through it. Sending love, strength, and peace your way.

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  8. I’m so sorry you’re going through a hard time. Don’t apologize for not being able to do your work – I think an important part of “work-life balance” is being able to tip the balance toward life and away from work when you need to. Take care of yourself.

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  9. I’m yet another long-time lurker coming out of the woodwork to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure that your smarts and sweet spirit will see you through to the other side of this sadness. Thank you for sharing your life with us – the pleasant and the sucky and the in-between.

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  11. I am sorry that you feel you have to apologize for not doing your best work recently. You are in shock, pain, or just not feeling great. And that is okay, Maggie. You don’t have to be a superhero right now.

    But I do think you will get through this beautifully, even if it does not feel like it now.

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  13. Navigating this with tenderness and grace (to borrow a phrase from Mindy Roberts) will make it much easier for all. You offer so much to your readers – I hope we can be a true support for you now in a time of need!

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  15. everyone else who has commented has expressed these same sentiments so beautifully, but wanted to add my voice to the throng of supportive well-wishers.

    i hope you take comfort in knowing that there are so many people out there (even real life strangers) who are rooting for you and have confidence that this rebuilding will be something that fortifies you and ultimately makes you more compassionate and sure of who you are and what you want (that’s what happened for me when my long-term relationship ended).

    you obviously have an amazing zest for life. thank you for sharing this. amazing peace to you.

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  16. Maggie, I am so sorry. My husband and I have been separated and divorced for almost exactly two years. It was a hard choice to make but after two years, I feel more like myself then I ever did when we were married. I hope that through this experience you will also be able find more strength and resiliency within yourself then you ever knew that you had.

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  18. I’m sorry to hear this. Much love to you, Hank and Bryan. Be kind to each other in the coming months.
    Take care of yourself.

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  21. I’m so sorry to hear this. 😦 Going through the same thing right now and each morning when I leave my ring in the jewelry box it just feels … strange.

    Best of luck to you, Maggie, on your grand new adventure.

    (this is how I label hard times so I don’t hide and cry.)

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  22. Maggie, I’ve been lurking (reading but never commenting) on your blog(s) since 2002 or 2003 or so when I heard you on NPR once on my way to work. I feel like I have grown along with you – I too got married and had a son, and went through all the work-life changes. It is so sad to hear that things have become complicated in a new way in your life. I don’t actually know you so it feels weird to say, but I’m sending my love and best wishes. I read something the other day about how we should all think about the root feelings we are reaching for with our needs and wants and strive for reaching those feelings instead of gaining “stuff”. (It was probably Oprah)
    I think as you ponder what you want and need next in life, you should also focus on the feelings you need and want (for yourself) and how you can maximize those instances of happiness, joy, surprise, whatever they are in your current life… If I knew you, I would immediately come over with some red wine and/or mint juleps and laugh and cry for a few hours and help you work out a plan for the next few months. ((hug))

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  23. Oh, Maggie. I’m so sorry. Sounds like you’re making the best of it, but I hope things get easier for all involved soon. Until then, *hugs*

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  25. Maggie…. hold on a minute, I have to put my eyes back in my head… OK… I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you can save it. If you can, it will get better. I will be thinking about you and sending you warm thoughts of good communication and empathy for each other. Hang in there.

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  26. So sorry to hear the bad news but it sounds like you and Bryan are making the best of it for Hank. Good luck as you move forward as a family.

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  27. My heart sank as I read this and I so appreciate your willingness to share. I cannot imagine what you might be going through as a mother and I’m so genuinely sorry for the situation you’re enduring.

    All that said – I really loved how someone said it earlier in the comments about rooting for all 3 of you as your family takes a new shape (whatever that may be).

    Much admiration!! And so much love.

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  30. I’m so very sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. The interwebs are sending you a big cocktail and a bigger hug right now. You’re a force, lady, and you are loved.

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  31. I thought that your “get health in check” pieces were some of your best, valuable and personal work – and they were recent enough that I figured that was why you were posting lightly lately. This is an upsetting time, and I am sending thoughts of gentleness to the three of you.

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  35. Dearest Maggie,
    I’m so sorry to hear this news. My best thoughts and hugs to you and your family.
    Mourning is tough business. I’m wishing you grace and patience to ride the waves. Also: try not to cheat yourself of the happy moments you have. Feeling happy doesn’t mean you’re not sad. It just means you’re still intact, and life can still be surprising and joyful.
    I am happy to join the cheering section, and I look forward to more posts/chats this week.
    <3<3<3<3

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  36. Almost 10 months ago I separated from my husband and it wasn’t easy, but now I’m happier than I ever thought possible. I hope the same becomes true for you.

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  38. As a long time reader, I have to admit that just felt like a punch in the gut! Your words, your voice, your humor, the grace and style with which you tackle the challenges of everyday life inspire me daily. My thoughts will be with you during this time and I wish you all the best!!! Thank you for continuing to put yourself out there even when it hurts. Wishing you happiness and joy.

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  39. You have inspired me so much – to find my voice, to pull myself up out of the dark and live in the light again. To truly live, again, after too many changes in my life. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. And so grateful to you for sharing all that you have.

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  40. Like many things in life, there’s no “right” way to do this, just the way you get it done. You have have my heart. Love and light to all three of you, darling.

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  41. Wow. You are so brave…for what its worth, my best friend and I are children of divorced parents, and we both agree that our parents divorcing was the best thing they could have done. Unhappy parents make for unhappy children. Take care of yourself, as isn’t that what this is all about? Sending you a big ole hug.

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  42. Oh, Maggie, my heart dropped when I read this. You have been such an inspiration to me with your life lists, style, and writing. I know you will make it through this with the same grace and elegance you do with everything else. And even though I do not know you in person, I feel that I do enough through your writing to know you have my support and love.

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  43. I am in total shock – have been following your adventures for years now, and did not see this coming AT ALL. I kept waiting for you to say APRIL FOOLS or some such baloney.

    Whatever the circumstances, I am sure you will handle the upcoming months with the same grace and class you do everyday.

    Hugs to your bruised heart.

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  44. Hi Maggie,

    Delurking today to say how awesome I think your blog is, and how inspiring it has been to read your life lists, and see the way you seem to approach life, and new adventures with arms wide open.

    Sorry to hear about your separation, I wish nothing but the best for all of you as you navigate your way through this tough time. Sending good thoughts, and tons of hugs your way!

    Patryce

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  47. Here’s to new beginnings. My husband and I have recently decided to separate and my heart alternately soars and sinks. Let’s look forward to getting past the sad part and onto happier days.

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  49. Just a virtual *hug*.

    I admire your talent and your drive and have enjoyed your site for several years.

    I hope that things get better for you soon.

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