Prepared

26th October 2006

It’s our first day of birthing class, and all the women show up in sweatpants and T-shirts. I’m looking around thinking, really? We’ve all given up already?

Then the teacher says, “I know the handout mentioned that everyone should come in stretchy clothing, but we won’t be doing floor exercises until next week.”

Oh. The handout. Right.

20 thoughts on “Prepared

  1. Lora

    Ugh…I remember my birthing class – and how utterly useless it was. Some new age-y chick in her flowing clothes giving me tips on breathing through the pain (I recall white-knuckling the bed rail) and going to my tranquil spot (I envisioned a cute doctor with a big needle full of drugs …the doctor was a woman, dang it!) all the while forcefully eschewing any sort of pharmaceutical intervention. I delivered an almost 12# baby – you’re darn right I had drugs! I breathed much easier on them and could finally envision my tranquil spot. Best wishes to you that your class is much, much better than mine!

  2. Sarah B.

    I remember my birthing class… we were having a biscuit break while we tilled the north field, and Pa said, “Old Bessie’s about to birth, whyn’t youns just watch this and have a learn-see.” When I actually did give birth, I had nothing but a hickory branch to bite, which got in the way of the hymns I was singing in order to distract myself from the pain. In the end, I passed out and woke up around the time my child graduated from refrigerator college. But I’m sure you’ll do great!

  3. Abigail

    Ohhh, okay. So I’ll just tell people I’m going to birthing class. I used to use the “I just worked out” as an excuse but people started to catch on when I still couldn’t do a flight of stairs un-winded.

  4. MissBehave

    I’m 4 months pregnant (due april 19th) and I gave up fashionable clothes a month ago. Now I’m reliant upon elastic-waisted hippie skirts and long tops. :P When are you due?

  5. Jonathan

    What you need to finish off the class is somebody to bring their toddler with them, and say “mommy – how come that ladies boobs are so long?”

  6. MomVee

    I hope you get to see the video with the naked mother whose husband is watering her with the hand-held shower and singing “She’ll be coming ’round the mountain when she comes.” That was my favorite.

  7. Jenny

    It’s not your fault. What the handout does NOT tell you is that the fetus gets approximately 50% of your brain cells in utero. Good luck.

  8. Kristen

    Dude, it’s all a waste because the handout was great for me but someone (and I’m not going to point any fingers) FORGOT the handout with all the exercises AT HOME when I went into labor. I kept yelling, “What the hell was that squatting/knee stretch exercise that is supposed to make this feel like getting a pedicure and not like it’s feeling right now?”

    You are gonna be shocked, but he couldn’t remember which one I was talking about.

  9. Emily

    Oh god birthing class, what ever you do DO NOT let thoes crazies talk you out of drugs (if that is what you want). I drank the no drugs coolaid and regret all 12 hours of pain. I blame the “teacher” and plan to get her back someday. I am not bitter at all can you tell?

  10. CrankMama

    There are too many damn instructions when it comes to birthing and kids anyway. I’m with you… skim (or skip all together) and show up in cute clothes.

    Incidentally, I never attended a birth class when I was awaiting the twins… I just read a few things, hired a good doula, and crossed my fingers. It worked pretty well in the end…

  11. Quel

    Hey, if your old man manages to stay awake through the class, you’ve already far surpassed any expectation of my [ex] husband.

  12. Jaimers

    I actually have fond memories of my birthing class…great teacher and good information. She wasn’t too pushy on the ‘do the whole thing naturally’ thought. Her opinion was each Mom had to make that decision for herself. I went in to the hospital with the ‘I’ll go for as long as I can without drugs, but once I hit my limit, I’ll want the epidural NOW’.
    Honestly, my fondest memory of the birthing class was seeing my beloved husband in the empathy belly…and trying to get up from sitting on the floor. I laughed…and laughed…and laughed. Oh heck, even now it still cracks me up!!!!

  13. MeL

    Ahhh birthing class. Yeah, being the impatient and totally shortcut-friendly types T and I are, we opted for the marathon, 2-day, weekend course instead of the six-week class. Which is good, because a class of any kind that doesn’t involve a satisfying hobby or college credit always somehow makes me feel like I’m 15 years old again, hunching down in the corner of my “SafestWay” Driver’s Education Course.

    Of course, even in the quickie class there was no escaping the circa 1979 birthing video with the vintage lack of private grooming. I vaguely recall gripping the edge of the desk in order to control the impulse to grab a pair of scissors and prune the offending shrubbery.

    Of course, this was before I realized that by the end of the pregnancy, you can’t actually SEE that particular area of your body… forget actually doing any grooming there. But that’s when you find out how far your husband’s love REALLY extends….

  14. dodo

    birthing class? they lie. they tell quarter truths. they’ll tell you to pant. they’ll encourage you to write a birthing plan that will never see the light of day. Don’t ever let on to your midwife that you’ve researched anything. because she will punish you. try antenatal yoga instead. they make you feel powerful and competent. I’ll stop now, for fear of gettign evangelical on the subject. I didn’t think it was me AT ALL. but it saved dignity. and a few other things. and i’m very grateful for it.

  15. JewJewBee

    I actually loved my childbirth class… We learned a lot of the biology of pregnancy, lamaze, baby care techniques, and we even had a class on breastfeeding… I guess it all depends on the instructor… Hope yours is good!

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