“If one were to try, I bet one could discern at what points in the last three years I’ve had a girlfriend based, not on the content of my blog, but simply by analyzing the number nights in a given month I’m making posts between the hours of 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM. I let you figure out the correlation. (2:04 AM)”
In other words, he’s free man, ladies. But for how long? Let the frenetic email flirtations begin!
A small slice of my 4th of July family reunion:
Me: You’ve got a big hunk of something in your teeth.
My sister Raina: (Smiles winningly, and moves her face closer to mine.)
Me: Ugh! Stop it.
Raina: It’s sexy.
Me: (Running my finger seductively over my peeling sun burnt shoulder.) No, this is sexy. Mmmmm.
Raina: I’m going to keep one of these teeth things at home, so I can have one ready when I go out.
My cousin Ryan: You’ve got a collection of dried chives.
Me: I think Madonna had one of those, hers was 14kt. gold, though. She’s into those felt syphilitic moles now.
Ryan: There’s a whole line of possibilities. Like fake boogers.
Me: 14kt. gold fake boogers!
Raina: That reminds me! I have a story.
Me: Do we want to hear this?
Raina: It’s not about boogers.
My cousin Ben: If it’s not about boogers, I don’t wanna hear it.
Raina: So I come home from work and there are tampons all over my lawn. I guess the kids found a box of my tampons and they were playing with them. I’m running around totally embarrassed scooping up tampons before the neighbors see.
Me: What the hell was the baby sitter doing?
Raina: She probably just thought they were playing out front. Anyway, Trevor comes outside the next morning and says, “Where are all my pop guns?”