From this week’s Onion:

Hypothetical Question Clearly Not Hypothetical

YUMA, AZ– Brad Thorstadt was rattled Monday,
when hiking partner and longtime friend Ken
Daniels asked him a hypothetical question that
clearly was not hypothetical. “What the hell did
he mean by, ‘Hypothetically speaking, if you and
Cheryl were into threesomes, would you consider
me?’” Thorstadt asked. “That’s not the kind of
thing you just ask hypothetically.” Thorstadt
added that he likes Daniels and everything, but
damn.

3:08 p.m.

Overheard a city mom talking to her little girl. They passed a produce stand and mom said:

“Look at the all the fruits and vegetables! Do you see the asparagus?” Pointing to a stack of neatly trussed bunches. “You have a toy asparagus at home, but that�s how they grow in the wild.”

I�d like to hear her take on hamburger.

12:40 p.m.

Another Onion tribute:

William Safire Orders Two Whoppers
Junior

NEW YORK–Stopping for lunch at a
Manhattan Burger King, New York
Times ‘On Language’ columnist
William Safire ordered two “Whoppers
Junior” Monday. “A majority of Burger
King patrons operate under the
fallacious assumption that the plural is
‘Whopper Juniors,’” Safire told a
woman standing in line behind him.
“This, of course, is a grievous
grammatical blunder, akin to saying
‘passerbys’ or, worse yet, the dreaded
‘attorney generals.’” Last week, Safire
patronized a midtown Taco Bell,
ordering “two Big Beef Burritos
Supreme.”

4:00 p.m.

My favorite line from the Onion’s story about
Harry Potter turning kids to Satanism:

“Hermione is my favorite, because she’s smart and has a kitty,” said 6-year-old Jessica Lehman of Easley, SC. “Jesus died because He was weak and stupid.”

3:51 p.m.

I can’t get anything done when the Onion posts a new edition. Here’s every T.G.I. Friday’s dining experience I’ve ever had:

Welcome to T.G.I. Fridays! May I annoy the living shit out of you?

2:40 p.m.

I heart The Onion:

As You Can See From My Name Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor

That Female Looks Capable of Passing On My Genetic Material

Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

Smoove B.: Bring It On

Lilith Fair Performers, Attendees Achieve Largest-Ever Synchronized Ovulation

Coalition Of Developmentally Disabled Adults Demands Trip To McDonald’s

12:17 p.m.