Archive for April, 2005

We arrive at the car rental agency and they only have white cars. This is a problem because Bryan will not drive a white car. They remind him of his parents’ cars. We wait, in the cold, while the car rental guy retrieves a beige car. This, apparently, is sufficiently psychologically comforting. We settle in.
Me:What’s […]

Scenario: The N Line is packed and quiet. Passengers are jammed against each other, the windows, the doors.
Characters: Two men in their early thirties. They are strangers.

Guy 1: Man!
Guy 2: (Gives a low whistle.)
Guy 1: I saw someone assassinated in London. I have a healthy respect for crowds.
Guy 2: (Raises eyebrows, […]

In the city, sometimes you’ll smell something in the air, and you’re not quite sure what it is. At first you think it’s a savory smell–Chinese food, or maybe pizza. Then, when you inhale deeply, you realize it’s the stink of something profoundly rotten, so rotten that you can taste it in the back of […]

An excerpt from Fussy, where Mrs. Kennedy is having a conversation with her little boy, Jackson:
“Me, driving: You know what? I think I�m lost.
Jackson, in back seat: Well, I�m not lost on my side.
Me: Seriously, I don’t know where the fuck we are.
Jackson: Don’t say that.
Me: Sorry.
Jackson: If you […]

A priest takes flight.
A snail edges off the faucet.

Two twenty-something women chat over coffee.
This friend of mine knows this girl who’s always like, “What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite kind of car?” Like, she doesn’t engage in conversation, she’s just always asking who your favorite band is or what you’re going to be for Halloween.
Like, next year?
Yeah.
And do you […]

In conversation with the cab driver, the subject turns to crime.
Me: There seems to be a lot less crime in this area lately.
Cabbie: No. I been robbed twice.
Me: Really?
Cabbie: Yeah. Two times with knife.
Me: Oh no! What happened?
Cabbie: Nothing. Guys just wanted my money.
Me: That’s terrible! Were you […]

On the main strip in Vegas, there’s a billboard of a Hindu god with many hands. Each hand contains something holy: slot machines, dice, cards, a snow globe, a coffee mug, a showgirl. The slogan reads, “Souvenir Nirvana.”
About a hundred feet farther, there’s one with Jesus on it, but he only has two hands, so […]

Whoa. Has anyone read this month’s issue of GQ? I’m referring specifically to “The Forbidden Word,” which is ostensibly an article about the devastating affect of the word “cunt” on the female psyche. In actuality, it’s this amazing outline of the author’s own insecurities about his virility, and his open rage at the feminist movement. […]