Scenario: Crowded mid-day bus.

Characters: Two men, one at the front of the bus, one near the back. Perhaps homeless, perhaps just a bit off.

Man 1: (Begins yelling suddenly.) K-JAMS on WYMX. WE GOTTA GRRRREEEAT SHOW FOR YOU FOLKS.

Man 2: Ha! Ha! That’s right!

Man 1: That’s right!

Man 2: Hey! Heeeeey! You know Lisa Jones?

Man 1: Yeah.

Man 2: Yeah!

Man 1: She fiddy.

Man 2: What that?

Man 1: She fiddy.

Man 2: She filthy?

Man1: Yeah.

Man 2: She ain’t filthy. She got money.

Man 1: No she ain’t.

Man 2: She got money. She got money. Get back here.

Man 1: All right.

(The two converse mostly inaudibly, except for occasional mimicry of various radio announcers.)

Man 1: This my stop.

Man 2: You gettin’ off?

Man 1: Yeah.

Man 2: No you ain’t. You gettin off up here where they got the restaurant.

Man 1: No. I got to get off. I got to get me a new T-shirt up here. One I got on all wet ’cause I spilled water on it this… this little bit earlier. I got to get a new one.

(Disembarks.)

Man 2: (Obviously annoyed. Loud.)You got to take a bath. That’s what you got to do. ‘Cause you smell. Smelly sonofabitch. I just washed up this morning. I took three showers. I wash my hair like three times with the soap, used the body wash, everything. Everything. I shampoo like three times, like five times. Like ten times! I got to make sure I smell nice.

Just met a girl named Comfort. With a name like that you’re almost forced to go into nursing.

I only spent about ten minutes at Bay to Breakers this year. The best thing I saw was a guy sitting in a wheelchair, naked from the waist down, walking the chair up the street with his feet.

Later that day, I went to visit my grandmother.

FOOTRACE

Wanna come with us to Bay to Breakers?

I’m going.

Cool, wanna pull a keg with us?

Actually, I’m running it.

You’re running it? …Without beer?

Scenario: Bus commute at about 9:30 a.m.

Characters: Two middle-aged men.

Guy 1: A lot of people are late for work today.

Guy 2: Oh, it seems like there’s a whole bunch of people who are on this schedule.

Guy 1: Or maybe a lot of people are late for work today.

Guy 2: By an hour?

(angry silence)

Guy 2: What are you doing for lunch?

I started a new series for The Morning News. This one is on weddings. My first piece was posted today: “Fifteen Fights to Have Before You Get Engaged.” Go to read it, please and thank you.