Mighty Life List
May 29 2003


Scenario: Crowded mid-day bus.

Characters: Two men, one at the front of the bus, one near the back. Perhaps homeless, perhaps just a bit off.

Man 1: (Begins yelling suddenly.) K-JAMS on WYMX. WE GOTTA GRRRREEEAT SHOW FOR YOU FOLKS.

Man 2: Ha! Ha! That’s right!

Man 1: That’s right!

Man 2: Hey! Heeeeey! You know Lisa Jones?

Man 1: Yeah.

Man 2: Yeah!

Man 1: She fiddy.

Man 2: What that?

Man 1: She fiddy.

Man 2: She filthy?

Man1: Yeah.

Man 2: She ain’t filthy. She got money.

Man 1: No she ain’t.

Man 2: She got money. She got money. Get back here.

Man 1: All right.

(The two converse mostly inaudibly, except for occasional mimicry of various radio announcers.)

Man 1: This my stop.

Man 2: You gettin’ off?

Man 1: Yeah.

Man 2: No you ain’t. You gettin off up here where they got the restaurant.

Man 1: No. I got to get off. I got to get me a new T-shirt up here. One I got on all wet ’cause I spilled water on it this… this little bit earlier. I got to get a new one.


Man 2: (Obviously annoyed. Loud.)You got to take a bath. That’s what you got to do. ‘Cause you smell. Smelly sonofabitch. I just washed up this morning. I took three showers. I wash my hair like three times with the soap, used the body wash, everything. Everything. I shampoo like three times, like five times. Like ten times! I got to make sure I smell nice.

May 22 2003

Marry This Girl

Just met a girl named Comfort. With a name like that you’re almost forced to go into nursing.

May 22 2003


I only spent about ten minutes at Bay to Breakers this year. The best thing I saw was a guy sitting in a wheelchair, naked from the waist down, walking the chair up the street with his feet.

Later that day, I went to visit my grandmother.


Wanna come with us to Bay to Breakers?

I’m going.

Cool, wanna pull a keg with us?

Actually, I’m running it.

You’re running it? …Without beer?

May 22 2003


Scenario: Bus commute at about 9:30 a.m.

Characters: Two middle-aged men.

Guy 1: A lot of people are late for work today.

Guy 2: Oh, it seems like there’s a whole bunch of people who are on this schedule.

Guy 1: Or maybe a lot of people are late for work today.

Guy 2: By an hour?

(angry silence)

Guy 2: What are you doing for lunch?

May 19 2003

My Fiance Could Beat Up Your Fiance

I started a new series for The Morning News. This one is on weddings. My first piece was posted today: “Fifteen Fights to Have Before You Get Engaged.” Go to read it, please and thank you.

May 19 2003

Curiouser and Curiouser

Curiosa is fascinating. It’s by an artist who collects the detritus of fame, death, and other aspects of life, and groups them in interesting ways. He has a communion wafer from JFK’s funeral, a straw with Monica Lewinsky’s lipstick from the Barbara Walters interview, mortician’s eye caps (which are sharp on one side to keep a corpse’s eyes from popping open), and countless other bits of not-quite-trash. Amazing.

May 14 2003


In a museum the other day:

Are those real skulls?

Huh. I don’t know.

I’ll check the materials tag.

What does it say?

“Oil and human skulls on canvas.”