Mighty Life List
Jun 28 2002

I Can Only Hope Not

Email subject header:

Maggie, do we have a synergy?


NO MONEY

Two old men stand on the streetcar island waiting to board. One is wearing a straw fedora, the other a newsie cap.

Man 1: I ain’t got not money. You got money?

Man 2: (Shrugs.) Guess we got to walk then.

Both: Hahahahahahaha.

(Short quiet conversation with bus driver ensues. The men climb aboard.)

M1: Hey, who’s that girl I saw you with?

M2: Who dat?

M1: The girl in the park.

M2: Oh.

M1: That Romie?

M2: Yeah.

M1: So Wapbopadeebot?

M2: HA! Yeah, man. Wapbopadeebot. It’s birthday time.

Both: Hahahahahaha

M1: You know Tony Bennet sang that song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco?

M2: What about it?

M1: Well you left your heart in…

Both: hahahhahaha

M2: Man, I ain’t got no heart. Jus somethin poppin in my chest.

Both: hahahaha

M2: Streetcar Named Desire more like it.

(They sigh together.)

M2: Man, I don’t even care. I’m on vacation. I got me a week off.

M1: Where you goin?

M2: To sleep.

M1: Sleep is right. You doin a lot of sleepin.

M2: Yesiree Bob.

Jun 27 2002

Gay Pride Week

I’m sifting through the handbags in my favorite Mission thrift store, when the man next to me taps my shoulder. He’s attractive, well-dressed, late forties.

Him: Excuse me, can I ask your advice?

Me: Sure.

(He holds up a feminine red blazer and two purses.)

Him: Which of these purses goes better with this blazer?

Me: Well, the left one won’t work because the reds don’t match, and the one on the right is a little crazy. Is the woman artistic?

Him: I sure am.

Me: So, you’re the woman.

Him: Yep.

Me: Then it’s perfect. Have a fun weekend.


ONLY YOU

This morning I noticed a smoldering cigarette in the street. As most of the western United States is on fire right now, I walked a few steps over and crushed it with my toe. Then I realized how silly the impulse was. It’s not as if the asphalt were about to ignite. For a moment, it made me a little sad to live in a place where nothing burns.


MASTER OF MY DOMAIN

I’m way too excited about this. Two days ago, I successfully registered mightygirl.org and mightygirl.com. Triumviratacious. Troikarama.

Jun 26 2002

Speaking of Seats

I don’t like it when my seat is unexpectedly warm, it seems too intimate. On the bus, on the can, in the diner–I don’t want someone else’s heat on my bum.

Jun 25 2002

Raise Your Hand

When someone is sitting next to you on the streetcar, then rises to take a single seat that opens up, should this offend you?

Jun 24 2002

Minority Report

I liked this movie. Tom Cruise looks good bald. This means that we can look forward to watching him decay onscreen as he’s paired with increasingly attractive 19-year-old leading ladies.

Jun 24 2002

Hootenanny (Or Thanks, Mr. Dave)

Saturday night, I went to see Chris Isaak and Natalie Merchant at the Chronicle Pavillion in Concord. Ms. Merchant, you may be surprised to learn, is a mover. She bends at the waist, rips her head back and forth, and uses her elbows to do a convincing airplane propeller imitation. It’s fascinating and somewhat terrifying. I wanted to catch her head and say, Natalie, Natalie, you’ll need your neck in the morning, love. Stay away from that bad man with the Minithins.

Chris Issak is so much the better once you have a good wine buzz. This was easy to come by, as the walking vendors were selling carafes of red wine. I shit you not. This was when I knew I’d landed squarely in my target demographic, and I went down without the slightest struggle. The audience was a sea of happily bouncing white thirtysomethings wrapped in fleecy goodness. I had my Calvin Klien Jeans, a cellphone in my pocket, and a general sense of goodwill. I’ll be expecting my Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail next week.

Jun 20 2002

Fear You Before They Feel You

Excerpted from Nothing’s Shocking by Dennis A. Mahoney:

“We’re left with 100-pound weaklings like Eminem kicking sand in our faces. In his latest single, ‘Without Me,’ the wild rapper hits controversial targets like TRL, techno music, and Saddam Hussein. Oh shit — did he just slam Iraq? White boy crazy.