Archive for April, 2001

4.30.01

Overheard
Scenario: My trusty companion and I hike four hours to a remote campsite to find that it’s been overtaken by a Boy Scout expedition.
Characters: Group of 14-to-17-year-old boys whose food has just been stolen by enterprising raccoons.
Boy 1: They got everything, the marshmallows, the beef jerky, everything.
Boy 2: How did they get into my pack? […]

4.27.01

Raspberry bathroom air fresheners are unsettling. The area where one defecates should not smell edible.
9:43 a.m.

4.26.01

During my commute this morning, a young man collapsed on Muni. He was standing, and then he wasn’t. As you may know, San Franciscans are nice people who mind their own business, but also try to help you not die when we see you collapse on the subway. In such a situation, we can be […]

4.25.01

From Misterpants:
“Hey, you know how people sometimes hoot. Like at a rock concert or whatever, someone might go, “whoooo!”
Well, I’d really like it if everyone who reads this can make an effort to hoot just a little bit more. Not only at rock concerts, but also at poetry readings and just while waiting for […]

4.24.01

Profound(ly odd) thought I had upon waking this morning: “‘Star Trek’ smells like mint.”
9:36 a.m.

4.23.01

EMAIL MOMENT!
Subject: Toledo and the state of higher education.
Excerpt:
“At the University of Toledo today, the sidewalk was chalked up with all
kinds of misspelled school spirit: ‘Your here!’ ‘Sign up for the ski
raceing team!’ What the fuck are these people going to do?”
11:05 a.m.

4.20.01

I went to my first baseball game last night, Dodgers v. Giants in the newish SF stadium. I stood and sang the national anthem, I had some cotton candy and a hot dog with grilled onions. It was a very American evening, except for one thing. No half-naked bouncing women. Not a single one anywhere. […]

4.19.01

You’re an attractive, successful man who seems to have a lot going for him. But let’s say that your dating life is kind of slow, you’re not getting as much action as you used to, and all the women your age want to get married. What if you were to launch a Web campaign offering$10K […]

4.18.01

My credit card company gave me an unsolicited increase. As you might imagine, my first thought was, �Money? What the hell am I supposed to do with more money?� Fortunately, they enclosed an informative brochure entitled, What to do With a Credit Card Increase. Apparently, when your credit line exceeds your annual income, you should […]

4.16.01

I bought leather pants this weekend, and they’re fabulous. They make me want to pose instead of standing still. They make me want to take up chain smoking. They make me want to pout out angry lyrics and crawl catlike toward a video camera while underage models writhe seductively in the soft-focus background. Man, nothing […]