Irony

Going for coffee, I hear a woman crying above me. On the sidewalk below her apartment, someone has spray-painted:

YOU

ARE

CON

TEN

TED.

Privillege

First-world living:

The Oscar Meyer Wiener truck
Frat parties.
Toilets activated by sensor.

O.G.

A little old man with a cane boards the bus one laborious step at time. He’s about 70 and wearing a blue jacket with matching cap. He turns toward me; the front of his cap says, “Old School.”

Oh, Great Pumpkin

On the sidewalk, there is a woman kneeling before a plastic Jack O’ Lantern–the kind kids use for trick-or-treating. She has a strand of Mardi Gras beads wrapped around her palm like rosary beads, and she’s intently flipping through a small, green Bible. Every so often, she genuflects to the little plastic pumpkin. Lady, I hope you get a lot of candy this year.

Given

Three things I like:

People who hum along with songs in stores.
Bright socks with somber outfits.
Black women’s voices.

Three things I do not like:

The intensely defined spaces between your teeth when you’ve just had them cleaned.
Removing dark fingernail polish to find that my nails aren’t clean.
The muffled “pink!” that moths make when they butt against the porch light in the dark.

You Crazy Kid

I have now officially received eight emails explaining the origins of the phrase “I don’t give a tinker’s damn,” or alternately, “I don’t give a tinker’s dam.” Of these, three began with the phrases, “You might be surprised to learn,” “It might surprise you that,” and “Surprisingly enough.” I also received several suggestions of additional phrases that all of you should use more, the best of which were:

Enthusiasm: “Bangarang!”
Approval: “I like the cut of his jib.”
Threat: “I’ll fix your little red wagon.”

Three Phrases That I Would Like You to Use More

To express dissatisfaction: “I don’t give a tinker’s damn.”
As a toast: “Here’s mud in your eye!”
To express approval: “He’s a tall, cool drink of water.”

Good Day

A big group of seniors got on the bus, I think they were going down to visit Fisherman’s Wharf. About fifteen commuters quietly got up from their seats and went to stand in the back.

Truth for the Ages

Sacramento seems to have an unusually high incidence of people expressing life views via bumper sticker: AA Is the Way, Jesus Is Lord and Savior, The Unborn Are Children Too. After a few hours of bumper gazing, I came across my favorite. It was a cartoon drawing of a monkey that read, “I fling poo.”

SPECIALIZATION

San Francisco is quiet on a Saturday morning at 7 a.m. Driving around, I saw a street sweeper, an ambulance driver, a woman lifting her bucket of cleaning supplies from the trunk. There are only a few people up this early on a weekend, and they’re the ones who make the world go. That means the majority of us are bystanders in the process.

Now That’s Science

Think of the people you know who have ancestors of ethnicities that don’t generally make babies together. Why are these people often more attractive than the rest of us? My theory is this: If you’re going to jump the race barriers and take on all the cultural crud that makes interracial dating so difficult, you’re only going to do it for someone who’s really, really hot.