This morning, the bus smelled of fried prawns. The man next to me was sitting much too close. This made me want to push him. I ultimately decided against it.
You Crazy Kid
I have now officially received eight emails explaining the origins of the phrase “I don’t give a tinker’s damn,” or alternately, “I don’t give a tinker’s dam.” Of these, three began with the phrases, “You might be surprised to learn,” “It might surprise you that,” and “Surprisingly enough.” I also received several suggestions of additional phrases that all of you should use more, the best of which were:
- Enthusiasm: “Bangarang!”
- Approval: “I like the cut of his jib.”
- Threat: “I’ll fix your little red wagon.”
Ouch
Few things are more entertaining than a bright writer with a grudge and a fresh pen. In the June 2002 issue of GQ, Bob Drury writes of former George magazine editor Richard Blow’s memoir:
“What is certain is that Blow types faster than he can write.”
Guy on His Cell Phone in the Deli
What are you talking about?
No, no, I was totally involved. Totally.
And she knows Voodoo.
Three Phrases That I Would Like You to Use More
- To express dissatisfaction: “I don’t give a tinker’s damn.”
- As a toast: “Here’s mud in your eye!”
- To express approval: “He’s a tall, cool drink of water.”
At Long Last, Victory
I totally won the office picnic hula-hoop contest. Then I had a sno-cone.
She Got Sauce
On meeting a girl who I can’t believe is still single:
Me: Hi, I don’t think we’ve met yet. I’m Maggie.
Her: Hi, I’m Kate.
(Conversation ensues.)
Kate: I’m sorry, what was your name again? I’m horrible with names.
Me: No problem, it’s Maggie. I don’t remember yours either.
Kate: Here, I’ll do the little Kate dance to help cement it. (Throws hands in hair, shakes bum and turns in little circles while chanting, “Kate! Kate! Kate!)
Me: I will never, ever forget that again.
Fourteen Girls and a Bottle of Rum
I removed three pairs of boxer briefs from my purse this morning. The bachelorette went well. It is decidedly easier than I ever imagined to find a man who will remove his underwear on a public street. Many thanks to Rich, Jed, and John, all of whom gave selflessly for the cause. Happy wedding, Ali.
SUGAR ON TOP
Another article up at The Morning News, please go and read it. Don’t Be Rude: Part II, Relationships.
The Odds
So I’m planning a bachelorette party. Is anyone surprised that my Google search for:
San Francisco “straight male strippers”
produced zero results?
ELSEWHERE
Mark Eitzel has a particularly mesmerizing link list. Find out what death-row convicts order for their last meals, study the intricacies of bagpipe music in movies, gain unlimited access to My Little Pony GIFs, and explore the decaying buildings of Detroit. Go to his site and click on All for more goodies.
826 VALENCIA FUNDRAISER
Him: My shoes were just way over the top.
Her: Yeah.
Opposition
Me: What are you getting?
Him: A Caramel Macchiato.
Me: You can’t do that.
Him: They’re so good though.
Me: Don’t do it.
He: I really want one.
Me: You can do it. The option is yours.
Him: I know. I shouldn’t.
Me: There are certainly more honorable ways to sacrifice your manhood.
MY BRAIN
Just returned from a beautiful wedding in San Diego. They were married in a Japanese tea garden, and they even took the time to write their own vows. Everything was perfectly lovely; I snuffled through the whole thing. But what I’ll remember most thirty years from now is my improperly puerile giggle when the bride and groom promised to “play with each other” for the rest of their lives.
I may be reading books written for college kids, but I’m still laughing at a seventh-grade level.
Mighty Girl 