In an effort to gather all my writing in one place, every Monday I post articles that originally appeared elsewhere, or work that has been gathering dust on my hard drive. This piece was originally titled “The Non-Expert: Threesomes” and was published in 2003 over at The Morning News. The Non-Expert series answers questions posed by Morning News readers. Thanks to Rosecrans Baldwin, who edited this piece.

Question: What would it take for you to have a three-way with me?

Answer: First, allow me a moment to admire your subtlety. You are a man who knows how to woo a woman with sweet nothings, ply her with charm. The Don-Juan quality of your, ‘What would it take?’ really gets a girl purring.

I wish I could give you a one-size-fits-all answer, but this is a question that every woman must answer for herself. Therefore, you should be asking a girl who is going at it with some other chick when you open the bathroom door at a party.

Instead, you’re asking me.

Fortunately for you, I’m rather drunk. (Threesome Criteria Numero Uno? Check). In this fictional advice-column world, I’m not yet 25 (Criteria 2), and find myself conveniently single (Criteria 3). What’s more, your particularly horizontal shoulders and ready smile help you meet Criteria 4: You are white-hot.

Also, you look kind of familiar. I think you were in my second-grade class. Yeah! I remember you. Weren’t you the shy one who wore yellow galoshes rain or shine? How funny! You’re so…non-threatening (Criteria 5). And my, how you’ve grown.

Do you still live in my hometown? Goodness, no. You’ve been in China teaching English since college. How lovely. So it would seem we have few, if any, common acquaintances (Criteria 6).

Let us test this theory with a few minutes of banter about where you went to college, where you moved after school, and so on. I name the two people I know who attended the university you attended. You shrug your shoulders winningly and admit there were 30,000 students there at the time. We laugh and order another round of martinis.

But what are you doing in town? Just stopping in. In fact, you’re headed back tomorrow morning, pretty early. It is quite likely that our paths will never cross again (Criteria 7). That’s a crying shame.

You rest your hand on my knee as you leave a tip on the bar. Your skin feels like you must be plugged in somewhere (Criteria 8). Your ring finger is band-free (Criteria 9).

Have I mentioned that you are not an unattractive young man? And just my type. Smart, kind, confident, likes to travel, abs like the wind-blown surface of a calm summer lake.

I’m pondering the dollar-to-yuan exchange rate and imagining romantic walks along the Great Wall when you ask if I have a couple bucks to cover the drink you just bought me. Um…sure. Later, you begin an entirely too-detailed conversation about the track trophies you won in high school.

All right. So China’s out. You aren’t necessarily boyfriend material (Criteria 10). But have I mentioned that you are not an unattractive young man? Yes, I suppose I have. And I certainly have some time on my hands this evening, so how could it hurt to pass that time with you?

I’m buzzed, imprudently young, and pleased by the way you lean forward when you whisper to me. What’s that? What would it take to…what?

Ohhhhhhh.

Ha! Are you serious? You are.

Well. That’s not an entirely uninteresting question. Hell, haven’t I always wondered anyway? I mean, hasn’t everyone?

So how are your papers? In order? Disease-free, psychosis-free (Criteria 11)? Excellent. Do you have condoms on you? You don’t. All right, you make a drug-store run (Criteria 12), and I’m in.

While you’re gone, I’ll go find the other guy.

In an effort to gather all my writing in one place, every Monday I’ll be posting articles that originally appeared elsewhere or work that has been gathering dust on my hard drive. The Case for Cocktails was published in 2002 over at The Morning News, which you should read regularly because it is staffed by smart people who make good things. (Thanks to Rosecrans Baldwin, who edited this piece.)

The Case for Cocktails

First there was Watergate, then the nuclear family faded, cigars were extinguished, and now interest in cigarettes is waning. Martinis can only be next. Soon, mixed drinks will be fond recollection, a fable shared with an inattentive child.

If we don’t cultivate the demand for complex drinks—cocktails that require a commitment to acquiring certain tastes—we must prepare to relinquish gambling, prostitution, and perhaps even sex.

When we cast aside even our vices, how can we hope to preserve the very fiber of our society? Without morals, we are still a decadent and exuberant people. Without vices, we are troglogdytic hunches, scraping at the earth and mewling at the sky. For the good of mankind, we must stop ordering stupid drinks.

Drinking Well

Any moron can order a beer; a monkey can yank at the tap. Now we have hideous cocktail hybrids, the unspeakable pre-mixed drinks that come in trite, peppy bottles. If you still find bright, shiny objects distracting, by all means, twist the top off of a Smirnoff Ice, perhaps a Tequiza. Go drink it over there.

If you’re feeling arid, and you’d like to start drinking well, begin by expanding your cocktail lexicon. After a few months of practice, you’ll develop a repertoire of five or six appealing drinks to order with studied carelessness. The key here is to find a drink that is obscure enough to confuse fellow quaffers, but not so obscure that the bartender has to ask what’s in it.

Your Options

Not all cocktails are refined, and most of them aren’t gender neutral. Women can drink nearly anything they like; men are not so fortunate. There are a few notable drinks, however, that anyone can order without shame:

Gimlet or Gibson
Ingredients: Respectively, a dry Martini with lime juice, or a Martini with cocktail onions instead of olives
What it says: I’ve had enough Martinis to preserve my remains for science. Pimentos get on my nerves.
Ideal setting: Martini bar

Rusty Nail
Ingredients: Scotch, Drambuie
What it says: I’m wearing wingtips just like my dad’s. I like a little scotch with my scotch.
Ideal setting: After an expensive dinner.

Sidecar
Ingredients: Cognac, Grand Marnier, lemon juice
What it says: I learned to sail when I was six.
Ideal setting: Country club

Greyhound
Ingredients: Vodka and grapefruit juice (A salted rim makes it a Salty Dog.)
What it says: Having tried everything else, this is the only thing I drink. I have the number of a good tailor in my wallet.
Ideal setting: Over brunch

Negroni
Ingredients: Equal parts gin, Campari, sweet vermouth
What it says: I’m earning my MBA.
Ideal setting: Happy hour

Hot Toddy
Ingredients: Brandy, hot tea, sugar, a twist of lemon
What it says: I’m cold.
Ideal setting: Irish or English pub, ski lodge

Old-Fashioned
Ingredients: Whiskey, sugar, bitters, soda
What it says: My grandpa drinks this. My grandpa is a helluva guy.
Ideal setting: Any bar that’s been open more than 25 years.

Manhattan
Ingredients: Bourbon, sweet vermouth, dash of bitters, and a cherry
What it says: What can I order that will get me soused, but will still have a cherry in it?
Ideal setting: Small bar with close friends who live a few doors down

Some of the more ubiquitous standards include Gin and Tonic, Screwdrivers, and Irish Coffee. Those who can’t bear to part with their evening beer should consider ordering a Boilermaker or Black and Tan. Women have even more options: White Russian, Kir or Kir Royal, Cosmopolitan, Margarita, Tequila Sunrise, and so on.

For obvious reasons, please refrain from ordering Wine Spritzers, Melon Balls, or Midori Sours. Also avoid drinks with names that reference copulation—Sex on the Beach, Screaming Orgasm, Slow Comfortable Screw—unless you’re wearing an unwieldy veil on a bachelorette bar crawl.

Public Drinking

Now that you know what to order, learn to drink slowly. A well-mixed drink is like a rich dessert, it’s impolite to shovel sweets into one’s mouth and lick the plate. Sipping will help you aim for cheerful and stop short of drenched.

Have a few taste tests to figure out what kind of liquor you like, then request it when you go out. This will make your drinks slightly more expensive, and also more delicious. If you’re ordering a gin and tonic, make it a Bombay and tonic, a shot of bourbon becomes a ‘Makers Mark, neat.’ Bam, you’re a worldly sonofabitch.

Drinking at Home

Keep your bar stocked. There are few things so satisfying as inviting a date up for a nightcap and mixing the drink of his or her choice. There are several references that detail what you’ll need. Start with the ingredients for your three favorite cocktails and build from there.

Use the best ingredients you can afford. Never subject a guest to ‘diet’ tonic water. Mix some fresh limejuice and sugar instead of buying prefab sours. It’s impressive, and it tastes much better. The same is true of all freshly squeezed juices, they make superior drinks. Also, keep lemons and limes around. They’re inexpensive and will keep for weeks in your refrigerator. You can make a lemon or lime twist by slicing off a small section of the peel, removing the membrane, and twisting it until it curls like a corkscrew.

Nearly every type of drink has a corresponding glass—brandy snifters for drinks that are meant to warm in the hand, daiquiri glasses for blended drinks, and so on. A fairly complete collection of glasses would include: old fashioned (or lowball), double old fashioned, highball, Collins, pilsner, martini, champagne flute or saucer, snifter, Irish coffee, shot glass, and red and white wine glasses. If that sounds insane—and it should if you don’t have several empty cabinets—start with a set of lowballs, large highballs, globed red wine glasses, and taller white wine glasses. You can serve rocks drinks in the lowballs, Collins in the highballs, brandy in the globed glasses, and (under duress) martinis in the white wine glasses.

Bar Conduct

Now that you understand the foundations of drinking well, a few points of etiquette:

• If you want a rum and coke, don’t order a Cuba Libre. In certain circumstances, you can request a Cape Codder instead of a vodka cranberry, but know your audience.
• Tip about a dollar a drink. It’s easy to calculate when you’re well irrigated, and a happy bartender is a generous bartender.
• Don’t drink until all of your friends have been served. Offer up a quaint ‘cheers,’ and click glasses.
• Remember where you are. Don’t order a sidecar in a sports bar. Don’t order a Bloody Mary at an Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day, or a Mojito from a college bar on Saturday night.
• If you spill someone’s drink, buy them a new one. This promotes goodwill and saves you from regular emergency trips to your dentist.
• If you’re feeling illuminated, stop ordering anything in a martini glass. You will slosh most of it on whoever is next to you.
• If someone else buys the first round, for the love of all that is holy, the next round is on you. If you buy the first round, may God’s hand be upon you.