Category: categories


TRANSIENCE

For a very short time, the article headline tag read, “Wall Street in full-on rally mode.” A few minutes later it was changed to “U.S. Stocks Soar on Wall Street.” I love the Web.

7:28 p.m.


CROUTONS SHAPED LIKE MICKEY MOUSE

Me: Jesus, that is so first world. “Tossing a salad’s too hard. Why is there no implement to do this for me?”

Him: You better shut up. I love my Salad Spinner.

4:56 p.m.


SNAKES AND SNAILS

Henry is a 4 year old with the meanest blog around. Makes me misty for my babysitting days. Some excerpts:

We pulled the turkey out of the oven and set it on the table. Henry stared at it for a while in amazement.
Then he looked up at me and asked, “Is it a baby?!?”

“What’s Pikachu turn into?”

“Raichu.”

“What’s Psyduck turn into?”

“Golduck.”

“What’s Charmander turn into?”

“Charmeleon.”

“What’s Henry turn into? Henry turn into Daddy?”

“Aim a little higher, son.”

On a beautiful Sunday afternoon we walked up the street to the ice cream store. Sun was out. Birds were singing. Neighbors waving as they swept their stoops. Henry screaming at the top of his lungs.

“No. Sleep. ‘Til Broooooklyyyyn!!”

We’re impressionable.

Pound for pound, Henry might actually be the most powerful entity in the Western United States.

P.S. We are running out of babysitters.

During a routine shopping trip to Walgreen’s yesterday Henry started screaming that he wanted some chocolate money.

We were walking by the Gold Circle Coin Condom display when he started screaming it.

Ocean Beach.

Henry wrote his name in the sand, admired it proudly then very carefully erased it and walked away.

“Why’d you erase your name son?”

“Didn’t want anybody to step on it, Dad.”

Tracey and Henry went on a school trip to the pumpkin patch last week.

On the way home he says, “When pumpkins wanna communicate they turn into jack-o-lanterns.”

I just taught Henry to say, “I like small Asian girls.”

I’d like to apologize. I was bored and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

(I’m documenting this purely for future therapy reference.)

11:24 p.m.


WHAT SAY YOU, MARTHA STEWART LIVING?

Excerpt from “Hanging Versus Folding”:

“After washing, you have two choices: to hang or to fold. Which is best for a particular item depends on several factors…Deciding when to hang and when to fold is only part of the job, however. On the following pages we show you the best ways to do both, so your clothes are ready when you are.”

4:48 p.m.


…AND SCREAM, AND SCREAM

I saw a bus-stop ad yesterday that read, “I scream, you scream, we all scream for pork tenderloin.”

3:31 p.m.


GENTLE READER: A LETTER FROM COSMO

-How to be cool. Hot. Or not. CSOMO puts you in charge.

-GO FOR IT! Jump start your life. With the fun. The fashion. The juicy essence of life only COSMO would know.

-Be an ice princess. Or a total hottie.

-No hunk too hot to fall. Make him yours. Body and soul.

-He’s already drooling.

-Make him your love slave.

-Don’t just sip life…GULP IT DOWN!!!

Dear Friend:

I know what you’re thinking. COSMO is about sex. Seduction. How to win a guy by any means. Fair or unfair.

Okay, we admit it. It’s a sexy, addictive, fun-to-read magazine. It’s what women obsess about. No contest.

BUT COSMO GOES SO MUCH DEEPER. Because COSMO is really about YOU.

About your life. What turns you on. What gets your juices flowing…

From the unlawfully luscious Dylan McDermott.
To erotic astrology…

Yes, we all want it. A satisfying life. A great guy. Great sex. And COSMO WILL help you enjoy all of that. Everything you’ve imagined in your wildest dreams.

(over, please)

HUNDREDS OF FASHION FINDS. Edgy fringe tops. Flashdance foxy ways to update ’80s cool… Beauty tips every man magnet must have.

Yes…you get it! Embellish. Entice. Add sass to class. Add COSMO ATTITUDE!

WE’LL TELL YOU…

How to resist pigging out with your man.

How to squelch the belch. And when to see a doctor.

LIES. LIES. GUYS.

Does lying come with the territory? Is it a necessary evil of the fun-loving and not-really-committed?

Only when WE do it! For those times when honesty is the worst policy. COSMO shares invaluable, fave fibs!

Is HE lying? Hey, he can’t get away with that! Become a lie detector. Learn to read the six body-language signs that will flush out any rat.

MAKE HIM ACHE FOR YOU.

We don’t believe in fair. And we have an arsenal of weapons.

You have nothing to lose, and lots of fun to gain. So mail your savings certificate now.

Sincerely,

Kate White

Editor-In-Chief

2:42 p.m.


MAN, I HATE THAT

“Looking into your eyes, I see more than I came to
address.”

(from Peter Gizzi’s “Another day on the pilgrimage.”)

1:30 p.m.