Category: My Life

More people I wish I knew:

  • The guy in the boyscout ski cap wearing a T-shirt that reads, “Smoke crack, worship Satan.”
  • The beautiful girl in the pale pink sweater running back to her construction site with hardhat in hand.

12:42 p.m.

The actual headline of a press release I received a few days ago:

Collaboration and Web-Based Self-Service Access to Brand Assets and
Marketing Collateral Enable Tighter Brand Control for Enterprises and
their Partners

11:30 a.m.

Fun trip. My cousin married a Boy Scout troop leader; I fell down a flight of basement stairs in Toledo without breaking any bones; then I drove to Chicago where I met most of the 37 Signals crew–all of whom are as smart and fun in person as they are on screen.

The highlight of the trip was my drive from Cincinnati to Chicago. Indiana radio… how can I say this tactfully?… bites monkey butt. If I hear “I Hope You Dance” one more time, I’m going to find Lee Ann Womac and exchange a few of my own affirmational phrases with her. And who can forget Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam’s “Head to Toe”? Apparently not the Indiana DJs, because I haven’t heard that gem as much since 1987.

But there were a few things I’ll always cherish about the Midwest:

  • Restaurants called Beef and Brandy.
  • Lewd camera poses with Bob’s Big Boy statues.
  • The woman in a denim top with a matching bunny-print denim bag.
  • Seven Bucks for a steak, and Krispy Kreme Lemon-filled donuts.
  • The way natives say “Chicahgoh.”

I’m home now, which means that I’d have to search long and hard for a country music station on the radio, and I can talk smack about American cars in crowded restaurants without getting the crap kicked out of me.

12:03 p.m.

Someone once said that Toledo sounds like something winged monkeys would sing. And it does, “Toh-lee-DOH, weeeoh-WHUM.” Every corner that doesn’t have an Applebees or a Perkins has a funeral parlor. Two brief Ohio related conversations I had with Fred, who is a certifiable Toledo resident:

Me: Rudy’s Hot Dogs. Oh, my God. That place only serves hot dogs?

Fred: No, they also have omlettes.

Fred: So I’ve already taken some hassling because the new truck’s an import.

Me: What? Please. [I look around the restaurant and whisper:] American cars are crap.

Fred: You know you’re in the Midwest when you have to say that in hushed tones.

Now I’m in Chicago. The humidity is such that I don’t need to rewet my contacts. It’s like heaven, except with more toll booths.

10:30 a.m.

Have you ever been mesmerized by your monitor, so deep in concentration that you can’t look away? And say you needed Chapstick while the monitor glowed seductively. Would you reach into your desk drawer blindly and feel around until you found it? OK, good. Now how close would you actually come to applying the glue stick to your lips?

6:24 p.m.

Brief conversation with a girl whose name is a noun:

Me: Hi, I’m Maggie.

Her: I’m Jubilee.

Me: What a happy name.

Her: You think so?

Me: Yeah, like, celebration, party…

Her: Huh. I guess I never thought about it that way.

10:21 a.m.

“Traditionally, the same actor plays Captain Hook and Mr. Darling.”

The Picture Book of Peter Pan (c. 1930)

Does anyone else think that’s creepy?

2:30 p.m.

Overheard: Theological discussion at Firefly.

Scenario: Two characters from a Woody Allen movie swap neurosis at the next table.

Him: I’m just worried that I’ll never taste the joyous nectar of true Dharma. Because I’m fucked up. And I know I’m fucked up! And there’s nothing I can do about that.

Her: Yeah.

11:16 a.m.

It was like something out of a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel–we fell in love when the butterflies were mating. I drove home between fields of corn, and hundreds of yellow butterflies chased one another across the road. The setting was idyllic, the relationship proved less so. He was an entrepreneur without a lot of extra time for romance, I was too young to be thinking about happily ever after. A year later, I was upset, and disappointed, and ready to call it quits. Driving home one night, I realized the butterflies were mating again. I smiled and watched two of them dance around each other. Then they hit my windshield.

10:36 a.m.