Ugly Fat Kid summarizes the average American political sentiment in under ten seconds: “I say we should pass a law about all these problems. There. That covers it. Now on to sports…”

3:57 p.m.

Three confessions:

• I type my grocery list.
• I had Fritos for breakfast.
• Last night, I watched the entire Miss Teen USA pageant, even the part where Mandy Moore sang barefoot.

11:09 a.m.