Me: You used my toothbrush.
Him: I did?
Me: Yes, you’ve done it three times this week.
Him: Oh.
Me: Mine is the blue one. Yours is the green one.
Him: Eh, it’s not like we’ve never made out. Same diff.
Me: Ugh! Uggggh. I’m not into finding my toothbrush mysteriously wet. Also, you don’t rinse off all the toothpaste and it’s gross. Also stop using my goddamn toothbrush, dude
Him: OK.

Two days later:

Me: You used my toothbrush again.
Him: Oh.
Me: Stop it.
Him: OK.

Three days later:

Me: Did you see I bought a purple toothbrush for me?
Him: I did!
Me: You are green! I am purple!
Him: I appreciate that.

A week later:

Me: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHH! Stop using my toothbrush you big jerk! Stop it! Stop it!
Bryan: Shit.
Me: You just use whichever one is closest, don’t you?
Him: Yes.
Me: You don’t even check, do you?
Him: No.
Me: You’ve been doing this for several years and I’m just now noticing. Is that what’s going on here?
Him: Yes.
Me: Excuse me while I go scrape my tongue.

Me: Yow. It may be time to trim those toenails.

Bryan: No! They’re the source of my power.

Me: I want to marry this city.
Bryan: I want to make out with it and tell it I’ll call it later.

Me: What’s their room number?
Bryan: I. Just. Told. You.
Me: Hey. You better watch it.
Bryan: You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Me: …
Bryan: …
Me: Foiled again by your rhetorical rapier.

Me: I love her coat. Love it.
Bryan: Wow, you really love that coat.
Me: (Various kissing sounds.)
Bryan: If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?
Me: Maybe I will. Maybe I will take her coat as my lawful wedded spouse.
Bryan: Why don’t you go hump it?
Me: She would object.
Bryan: You’re making an assumption there.
Me: True. This is San Francisco, probably coat humping is a thing. Probably there’s a coat-humping community.
Bryan: They have coat-humping parties.
Me: We’re out of the loop.