Me: We could just redo the Hot Dog on a Stick thing. Hank could be a soft pretzel! But then we’d have to rebuild your corndog outfit.
Bryan: We could do that.
Me: Or Hank could be a monkey, you could be a banana, and I could be Carmen Miranda.
Bryan: … Why do I always have to be a giant phallus?
Me: I guess that’s just how I see you.
Me: You used my toothbrush.
Him: I did?
Me: Yes, you’ve done it three times this week.
Me: Mine is the blue one. Yours is the green one.
Him: Eh, it’s not like we’ve never made out. Same diff.
Me: Ugh! Uggggh. I’m not into finding my toothbrush mysteriously wet. Also, you don’t rinse off all the toothpaste and it’s gross. Also stop using my goddamn toothbrush, dude
Two days later:
Me: You used my toothbrush again.
Me: Stop it.
Three days later:
Me: Did you see I bought a purple toothbrush for me?
Him: I did!
Me: You are green! I am purple!
Him: I appreciate that.
A week later:
Me: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHH! Stop using my toothbrush you big jerk! Stop it! Stop it!
Me: You just use whichever one is closest, donâ€™t you?
Me: You don’t even check, do you?
Me: You’ve been doing this for several years and I’m just now noticing. Is that what’s going on here?
Me: Excuse me while I go scrape my tongue.
Me: Yow. It may be time to trim those toenails.
Bryan: No! They’re the source of my power.
Me: I want to marry this city.
Bryan: I want to make out with it and tell it I’ll call it later.
Me: What’s their room number?
Bryan: I. Just. Told. You.
Me: Hey. You better watch it.
Bryan: You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Me: Foiled again by your rhetorical rapier.
Me: I love her coat. Love it.
Bryan: Wow, you really love that coat.
Me: (Various kissing sounds.)
Bryan: If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?
Me: Maybe I will. Maybe I will take her coat as my lawful wedded spouse.
Bryan: Why don’t you go hump it?
Me: She would object.
Bryan: You’re making an assumption there.
Me: True. This is San Francisco, probably coat humping is a thing. Probably there’s a coat-humping community.
Bryan: They have coat-humping parties.
Me: We’re out of the loop.
It’s been a particularly hard day, and I’m swigging a large bottle of mineral water.
Me: I wish this were tequila.
Me: I also wish I were 23 years old. Just waking up from having slept in. Until 3 p.m. On spring break. In Cabo.
Bryan: I can make one of those things happen.
Me: Sounds good. I never understood spring break anyway. It was like, why would I spend a week throwing up and pushing away the wasted, persistent guy who wants to put his diseased penis to use?
Me: I was a blast in college.