-Are you gonna have some time kicking around New York between meetings?
-Some time on Tuesday, why?
-There are some elevators I think you might want to check out.
-Oooo!

Scenario: Two older ladies in the hotel lobby discuss their work at a local school.

Lady1: I asked the little girl, where do you think mom is? She says, “I don’t know, probably home with Dad making babies.” Can you believe this!
Lady 2: What are these kids hearing at home?
Lady 1: I know, the filthiest language!
Lady 2: These little boys. One of ‘em come up to me and says, “Mrs. Smith, he said the T-word! ” And I say, “You turn around and don’t listen. You walk away when you hear something bad. You know right from wrong.” Meanwhile, I’m thinking, what’s the T-word anyway? I’ve got to do more to keep up.

After a few minutes in line for the bathroom the girl next to me asks the guy in front how long he’s been waiting. “A few minutes,” he replies. “Hm,” she says. “Did you try . . . pushing the door?” He steps forward, turns that knob, and pushes the door open.

Later, the same guy runs into a friend. She comments that he’s drunk. He denies it. She asks if he’s high. He says no. Their conversation turns to a tall friend of theirs, and she mentions his height. The guy responds, “Dude! Why do you keep asking if I’m high?” “No!” She says, “H-I-G-H-T!”

Hat Guy is on the bus today, and he’s feeling preachy. It’s the noon bus, so most of the people on board are tourists headed into the city for a day of shopping. Hat Guy is making them gravely uncomfortable, which seems to make Hat Guy happy. Here, a sampling of his insights:

On Poverty

The problem is, we got too many folks addicted to sleeping under the sky. Addicted. And then we offer them these itty bitty shelters. Let me ask you something. If you’ve got a great big house, why you gonna trade that for a little small house? Right?

On Marriage

Paul said, if you’re a man, and you’re hot to trot, you should get married. He didn’t put any conditions on that. He didn’t say, only to a woman! You have to marry a woman! No! He said, get married. And that’s the end of that.

On Religion

Bring out the religious stuff and the crowd goes dead.

On Travel

And for those of you who are tourists, this is San Francisco. You come here, you expect to have your mind blown wide open.

On Civil Rights

Does anyone think they might need an attorney in the next couple of minutes?

Scenario: Friends in a hipster coffee shop discuss the creative process.

Girl: Yeah, there’s this guy in our writing group who usually does really good stuff, but just started doing this thing where he strings together a bunch of stuff that doesn’t make sense. It’s like an automatic-writing thing. It doesn’t apply to anything else he’s talking about, but he puts it in there.

Guy: Why?

Girl: He said he thinks it’s funny. Like it’s a kind of joke.

Guy: Like, funny for you guys, or for the reader?

Girl: The reader.

Guy: And is it funny?

Girl: Noooooo.

Guy: Did you tell him?

Girl: None of us know what to say. His other stuff has been so good, it’s like, everyone’s just afraid they’re not getting it, so no one wants to be the first one to say it.

Guy: Yeah, that’s tough.

Girl: Someone needs to tell him.

Guy: Now you know what it’s like to be friends with Tom Cruise.