Mighty Life List
Aug 4 2009

I Do Not Lick Thee, Dr. Fell

Yesterday, once again, I found myself at the periodontist’s with a gas mask over my face. As you may recall, I don’t particularly enjoy laughing gas, as I am a control-oriented sort, but the alternative is usually less appealing in these instances.

I took a few deep breaths, and began to hear the telltale electric beat deep in my ears. The periodontist leaned in with his gloved hands, and they seemed absurdly big. I thought, “This is the only non-sexual scenario in which a man has ever had his fingers in my mouth.”

I laughed. Then I blushed. Then I became hyper aware of my tongue, and spent the next hour wracked with concern about accidentally doing something untoward. In conclusion, laughing gas is wasted on me.

Jul 29 2009

Modern Indignities

Are you F*cking Kidding Me, (The Facebook Song) by Kate Miller-Heidke is very, very good. I would like you to put on your headphones so your boss doesn’t hear, and watch all the way to the end. It gets better and better as it goes along, the last line being the entire point of the song.

Via Sarah Brown, who is always right about these things.

May 22 2009

Open Communication

A couple weeks ago, Bryan lost his keys, causing much upheaval. They’re the kind of keys you can’t copy, thus leaving us with only one key between us and the sitter. This morning, I saw them sitting on the dresser.

Me: Hey! Where did you find your keys?
Bryan: (slightly annoyed) I told you already.
Me: What? When?
Bryan: Yeah, I already told you this.
Me: No. I’m sure you didn’t. Where did you find them?
Bryan: Remember when I was all, “Me and a bottle of cabernet are besting the toddler?”
Me: What? What are even you talking about? Where did you find them?
Bryan: Didn’t you read my Twitters?
Me: … You mean you told me via your public Twitter? Are you kidding me right now?
Bryan: Yeah, remember I was all, “It only took six days, but I bested…”
Me: No. No. Stop saying things out loud.

May 20 2009


Brian & Eileen’s Wedding Music Video. from LOCKDOWN projects on Vimeo.

The best wedding video on record, via the carefree Cup of Jo. Brian and Eileen, we salute you.

May 19 2009

All the talk about “hoses” aside…

Watching a children’s fire truck DVD, and the truck says, “I’m so big. While these men are up in my basket, two firefighters are working on me down below.”

May 8 2009

My Gang of Street Toughs

My good friend Josh Cagan was guest hosting the prompts on Plinky last week as part of the promotion for his new movie Bandslam. I’m getting to them a little late, but here’s the answer to my favorite one:

OH NO, IT’S A RUMBLE! Quick, put together your ideal gang of street toughs!

When I need to assemble a gang of street toughs, and I need to do it fast, I turn to professionals. As usual, Sean “P. Diddy” Combs has anticipated a market for frenzied, murderous song-and-dance crews, and has conveniently assembled Danity Kane.

These girls have it all — doe eyes, gams that go all the way up, and a volatile helping of latent rage. Plus, they already have matching silver-lamé cutout leotards. So, timesaver.

I know what you’re thinking; the ladies can’t exactly dance. But what they lack in dance talent, they make up for in heart. And the desire to bathe in your arterial blood.

Mar 26 2009

Zombies! An Eight Step Plan

1. Twitter.
2. Crowdsource a Costco takeover.
3. Secure entrances.
4. Neutralize Costco undead in increasingly cinematic ways, using only products at hand.
5. Clean off that food processor. We might want to use it later.
6. Set up Wifi.
7. Update Facebook status.
8. Organize a yoga class.