Velvet Tee Dress, $80

Silence & Noise Crepe V-Back Dress, $68

Blackout Batwing Dress, $70

Short Sleeve Sequined Plus Sized Dress, $47

Watch Me Shine Sequin Dress, $45

Emily Dress, $40

A Cheerful Sip Dress, $80

Baby, Come Back Dress, $48

Sleeveless Knit Dress with Bow on Waist, $40

Sleeveless Fringe Plus Sized Dress, $77

You know your ex will be there with the new girlfriend. The new girlfriend is disasterously smart, cute, and funny — all of which is making it impossible to hate her. But that doesn’t mean you can’t outdress her.

Aubs throws parties for Digg, where she works as the marketing manager. She’ll be in New York shortly, organizing a shindig for 3,000+ people, and she’s also planning a big birthday blowout for herself and a friend while she’s there. Speaking of which, how much do you love friends who just take charge of their own birthdays, instead of pouting that no one ever remembers their special day? You love them a lot, that’s how much.

Anyway, her entire enormous closet is filled with dresses. She never goes anywhere that requires pants, and I’m pretty sure she works out in cocktail attire. So you know, owning no pants is madness in San Francisco. It’s seriously cold here, especially in the evenings, which is Aubrey’s favorite time of day.

I asked her to show me four of her favorite outfits and her no-fail cocktail outfit, which just happens to be a genuine Little Black Dress. Here are the results:

This is what Aubrey wears when she’s taking her scooter out for soda pop with the gang. (To the best of my knowledge Aubrey doesn’t actually own a scooter, but I encouraged her get one.)

This is the forlorn bag I forgot to include in the photo. Sorry, little bag.

Sundresses and cowboy boots is one of Aubrey’s favorite looks. This is because San Francisco hills laugh at you if you try to wear heels.

Also, if you wear heels, the homeless people assume you’re a tourist and they hassle you because they take you for an easy mark. Same story if you wear shorts. No one here wears shorts, because all of us know that the weather could turn on you at any moment (except Aubrey who is clearly a mutant freak with no nerve endings). And then you’re freezing your ass off in Union Square with aggressive panhandlers yelling at you, and you have to go buy a pair of cheap San Francisco! sweatpants, which only exacerbates the problem. But I digress.

This is Aubrey’s favorite dress, and she’s right about that. Flattering, baby. She usually wears this with cowboy boots too, but she agreed to change things up to give the natives a thrill. We were outside for about two minutes taking this photo, and she was hooted and honked at no less than three times. That’s a good dress.

How cool are these earrings? Aubrey said she never wears them, so I put them in my purse before I left. Aubrey, I stole your awesome earrings as punishment for neglecting them. I’m going to take them out and show them the world, show them what it means to be loved.

She loves this green dress, but rarely wears it either because she has to pair it with 15″ heels so it doesn’t drag on the floor. Tailors, ladies! Fifteen bucks and it’s a whole new dress. Because seriously? You’re not gonna hem it. Don’t kid yourself.

Aubrey laughs 99 percent of the time. She was really trying to put on a solemn face for the sake of fashion, but this is the real Aubrey in action.

I’m such a sucker for a lariat necklace. Almost no one wears them, which makes them even better.

Aubrey has that kind of enviable straight hair that will do a spiky chignon with four bobby pins. Speaking of which, please ignore the pins I neglected to tuck.

The aforementioned uncomfortable shoes.

This is Aubrey pretending to chug a bottle of whiskey. She’s wearing her all-purpose Little Black Dress, and holy crap it’s a good one. (J Crew, you do this so right.)

I love this photo. It’s so nightcap.

Closeup of her chunky bracelet, which is actually a twisted necklace.

Adorable, harrassment-attracting patent leather shoes.

I know, that was exhausting. Thanks for being so game, Aubs. Especially considering the aftermath. Hoo-boy.

So! That’s my very first Mighty Closet. Was it good for you? Let me know if you’d like me to do anything differently next time. Do you want brand names, even though a lot of the stuff won’t be available anymore? Links to similar outfits? Stories behind the outfits? Photos of exceptional lingerie drawers? I live to serve, so let me know.