Hank: Do you see the light is green?
Me: All those lights are green. When that happens it means the lights are timed. That means little robots tell the lights to let everyone go at once.
Hank: Outside robots?
Me: Yes, they live up by the lights.
Hank: We cannot see them. We should go on a walk to see them. And then they will give me robot high fives!

Me: Crap! I need to text that bartender back.
Bryan: …
Me: Said your wife.

-Yeah, my mom used to be a nun.
-What? When?
-Before I was born. For like 17 years?
-Whoa. I’m surprised you aren’t more religious.
-No. I had an atheist boyfriend who took care of that.
-Ugh! I hate that guy.
-I know. Atheist ex-boyfriends are everyone’s downfall.
-Actually, for me it was a religious studies course in college. But Atheist Ex-Boyfriend is my new band name.
-It’s a bunch of pale skinny guys who happen to play guitar.
-No way. It’s just three dudes smirking while they play, like, piano, violin, and french horn.

Conversations my cab driver had last night:

With a red light:

“Whoa. WHOOOOOOOoooooa!”

With me:

“HOLD ON!… (Brakes aggressively.) Sorry about that.”

With his cell phone:

“OK. What time are you getting off? OK. What time are you getting off? OKOKOKOKOKOK. Man, what time are you getting off?

With me:

Him: Why are cell phones so useless for the simple exchange of information? You can’t get any information from them. Did you hear how many times I had to ask that guy what time he was getting off? It was like talking to a goddamn girlfriend…

Me:…

Him: Not to insult women or anything.

Me: Right. Except for how you were insulting women there.

Him: Nononononono. Most women are fine Except for the ones unfortunate enough to have dated me…

Me: …

Him: Women are great, most women are perfectly great. Except for the ones I’ve dated. Especially that one goddamn bitch who I dated in 1982…

Me: …

Him: Most women are fine. I mean. But not that one chick. She broke my heart. And here I am still pining for her…

Me: …

Him: Thirty years later, here I am still pining for that bitch.

Me: You can drop me here, thanks.

Me: We should really do more outdoorsy stuff, spend more time outside. It’s good for us.
Bryan: That’s why I picked a bar with a skylight.