Mighty Life List
Dec 28 2010

Just Before They Use Your Life Force as a Battery

Hank: Do you see the light is green?
Me: All those lights are green. When that happens it means the lights are timed. That means little robots tell the lights to let everyone go at once.
Hank: Outside robots?
Me: Yes, they live up by the lights.
Hank: We cannot see them. We should go on a walk to see them. And then they will give me robot high fives!

Jun 1 2010

And the Bass Player, Too

Me: Crap! I need to text that bartender back.
Bryan: …
Me: Said your wife.

May 24 2010

And They Need a Stylist

-Yeah, my mom used to be a nun.
-What? When?
-Before I was born. For like 17 years?
-Whoa. I’m surprised you aren’t more religious.
-No. I had an atheist boyfriend who took care of that.
-Ugh! I hate that guy.
-I know. Atheist ex-boyfriends are everyone’s downfall.
-Actually, for me it was a religious studies course in college. But Atheist Ex-Boyfriend is my new band name.
-It’s a bunch of pale skinny guys who happen to play guitar.
-No way. It’s just three dudes smirking while they play, like, piano, violin, and french horn.

Apr 16 2010

Cab Ride, 1 a.m.

Conversations my cab driver had last night:

With a red light:

“Whoa. WHOOOOOOOoooooa!”

With me:

“HOLD ON!… (Brakes aggressively.) Sorry about that.”

With his cell phone:

“OK. What time are you getting off? OK. What time are you getting off? OKOKOKOKOKOK. Man, what time are you getting off?

With me:

Him: Why are cell phones so useless for the simple exchange of information? You can’t get any information from them. Did you hear how many times I had to ask that guy what time he was getting off? It was like talking to a goddamn girlfriend…

Me:…

Him: Not to insult women or anything.

Me: Right. Except for how you were insulting women there.

Him: Nononononono. Most women are fine Except for the ones unfortunate enough to have dated me…

Me: …

Him: Women are great, most women are perfectly great. Except for the ones I’ve dated. Especially that one goddamn bitch who I dated in 1982…

Me: …

Him: Most women are fine. I mean. But not that one chick. She broke my heart. And here I am still pining for her…

Me: …

Him: Thirty years later, here I am still pining for that bitch.

Me: You can drop me here, thanks.

Apr 14 2010

Compromise

Me: We should really do more outdoorsy stuff, spend more time outside. It’s good for us.
Bryan: That’s why I picked a bar with a skylight.

May 22 2009

Open Communication

A couple weeks ago, Bryan lost his keys, causing much upheaval. They’re the kind of keys you can’t copy, thus leaving us with only one key between us and the sitter. This morning, I saw them sitting on the dresser.

Me: Hey! Where did you find your keys?
Bryan: (slightly annoyed) I told you already.
Me: What? When?
Bryan: Yeah, I already told you this.
Me: No. I’m sure you didn’t. Where did you find them?
Bryan: Remember when I was all, “Me and a bottle of cabernet are besting the toddler?”
Me: What? What are even you talking about? Where did you find them?
Bryan: Didn’t you read my Twitters?
Me: … You mean you told me via your public Twitter? Are you kidding me right now?
Bryan: Yeah, remember I was all, “It only took six days, but I bested…”
Me: No. No. Stop saying things out loud.